I called my husband at work (he worked nights then) and he came home. We took her right over to the ER, thinking she was on drugs. She was neg. for drugs but they kept her for a week & she was diagnosed with ODD. The doctor called me & I’ll never forget what he said. He told me she was downright spoiled & had way too much control in our home. And he was right.

She had been an only child for 11 years before our son came along & she was the center of our world, especially mine, as my husband worked long, rotating hours as a teamster driver. He was usually home on week-ends. Things calmed down for a few years after that, when we put her back into private Christian school.

But at 16, after my husband let her go back to public school, it started all over again right away. She was out of control and she hated my guts. This is a child who was almost catered to, I’m ashamed to admit. Never laid a hand on her, rarely ever yelled at her.

Yet, as soon as she got back into public school, she started getting in trouble at school for fighting, refused to do her school work, even though she was A’s & B’s in private school, and started running away. I would spend nights, with our baby son in the car, riding around half the night looking for her. One time, she stayed hidden at a friend’s house for a month. I nearly went crazy with fright.

Then she met “John” – the biggest loser we ever saw. We did everything we could to keep them apart. She became pregnant at 17 and, unfortunately, she married the jerk. We later found out he was diagnosed as Bi-polar but I’m sure he has ODD as well. Well, that was 12 years ago and they have lived with us most of that time.

They just moved in one day to our garage apartment. He rarely worked, as he usually got fired from his jobs. He sat around playing video games & being emotionally abusive to me, her, and the kids, constantly refusing to let me see our G-daughters every time he got mad at me. He ran around on our daughter constantly.

Our daughter actually later calmed down for most of that time & turned out to be a very good mother. She got a job & also put her self through enough schooling to get a better job & has been there part time for about 5 years now.

A couple years ago, he took up with his latest mistress & walked out 3 days before Thanksgiving. Our daughter & the kids were hysterical. He called on Thanksgiving Day to tell his kids, “Daddy’s not coming home anymore.”

Needless to say, our daughter completely fell apart, became profoundly depressed and has reverted back again to hating my guts. These two have cost us so much money, wiped out our savings, due to having to basically support another whole family all those years.

Since he left, she talked her Dad into co-signing an expensive apt. lease & then refused to get a full time job to pay for it. I begged him not to do it but she was always Daddy’s girl. He never said no to her in her life. In the last two years, she’s managed to totally screw up her credit, never pays her bills. We got stuck with her apt. rent. & she has gotten numerous speeding tickets, & now in trouble with law after getting caught with dead tags, speeding, etc. her Atty suggested she agree to some jail time to avoid all the points.

I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried to talk her into counseling & medication but she refuses. I can’t force them out because of the kids and she knows this. She treats her Dad like gold & me like dirt. She screams horrible things at me in front of the kids. She refuses to clean her place or make the kids pick up. It’s a pig sti. She won’t pay rent or even help with utilities. She couldn’t get a place now if she wanted to. She hardly spends any time with her kids anymore & has become downright neglectful. They spend much of their time down with us & we make sure they’re taken care of but they’re doing poorly in school because she won’t pay any attention.

It’s like watching your child on a runaway freight train & not being able to do anything about it. It’s the worst feeling in the world to love your child so much & know she hates you so much and nothing will ever change. It’s also heartbreaking to watch the pain our G-daughters feel.

They’ve become very angry, sullen little girls. I’m so scared what will happen with them in a couple years. And now my husband has a bad heart & is on permanent disability. I don’t know what to do. I sit up at night worrying about everyone, like I’m doing now at 1 am.

Best of luck!

Can someone help me to understand the disease a little better. Does it feel subtle? I am so confused.

My husband does argue over everything and cannot take any criticisim but he turns it all around on me. He refuses to stick with any one set of rules when disciplining our children. He lashes out at me calling me a “bitch” b/c I dont want him to lay on me when I am sleeping. It feels like emotional bullying b/c it wears you down. However, he always manages to make me feel that it is my fault or that it is b/c of what I contribute to the situation that causes it to go so awry.

I too thought he had a “passive aggressive personality”. My husband also had a messed up childhood that included sexual abuse, drug overuse in teens, getting a girl pregnant and ending it in abortion, a previous divorce, affairs on me and two job firings. He believes he is unscathed from all the things in his childhood and has said that if I could just let the other stuff go it would not be a big deal. At one point, I just thought he was immature. I cannot figure out what is my part in this and what is his. He is a very loving father and I know he loves me. That makes this even harder. I am at the end of my rope though feeling like my life is in constant turmoil. It is always a struggle.

Am I looking at a person with ODD or am I confused? How do you know? What do you do if the person does not think they do anything wrong or will call you crazy if you suggest this to them? Even if I read him all of your stories he would say he is different b/c… or he would say that it is not this bad and that I am being dramatic. HELP!