Bob eventually became the CEO of a very large nonprofit organization dedicated to putting physically disabled folks back into the workplace. When Bob spoke, people listened. His influence and his service to thousands was beyond measure.

Here’s another story. It’s different, yet it’s really the same. –JDS

Louis

Young Louis loved to tinker with the tools in the leather shop. His father, a master leather smith, had a strong reputation across the French countryside as a maker of the finest horse tack.

One day, Louis was attempting to punch through a piece of tough leather with an awl, a sharply pointed tool. The awl slipped and struck Louis in the eye. The wound became infected, then the infection spread to his other eye, also. The boy quickly became totally blind.

He was sent to a school for the blind in Paris. It didn’t take long for his teacher to discover that Louis was quite bright. Although Louis enjoyed learning, he became frustrated with the method used for teaching blind students to read. Heavy sheets of wet paper were placed over wire or wooden cutouts of letters. When the paper dried, students could read the words by feeling the raised parts of the paper.

Louis didn’t like this system much. It worked, but it was slow and cumbersome. Books made in this fashion were huge, heavy and hard to handle. And they were expensive to make. Besides, they accounted for reading only. Trying to write using this system was next to impossible.

As a young teen struggling to come up with a better way for blind classmates and himself to read and write, Louis heard about a system of night writing that had been developed by a French army captain. It was an alphabetical arrangement of raised dots and dashes pressed into paper. With it, military communication was possible even in total darkness.

Louis liked the idea of night writing, but felt that it, also, was too cumbersome to be practical for the blind. So, armed with the very same awl that had blinded him, Louis set out to improve on the captain’s system. He needed to come up with something that was simple, functional, and easy to use in both reading and writing.

He developed an alphabet consisting of two narrow columns of up to three raised dots each. These one to six dots in the columns represented a specific letter. Best of all, it could be read instantly with a single touch.

His improved system of reading and writing for the blind gained support by the time Louis was fifteen years old. It seemed paradoxical that the same leather worker’s tool that had blinded him played such a role in the ultimate education, literacy and independence of many millions of sight-challenged individuals. His work carries his name to this day.

That fifteen year old boy was Louis Braille (1809-1852).

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Perception is a close relative of belief; it “colors” everything we do … and everything we don’t do. When we perceive we can’t do something, like ride a bike, ice skate, or stand on our head, we essentially affirm that perception regardless of ability or skill. In other words, we simply “talk” ourselves out of that ability.

Perception easily overrides reality, although it eventually constructs a reality of its own. The good news is that negative, unproductive and unhealthy perceptions can be changed through the careful and methodical “adjustment” of behavior. The two are linked into a never-ending cycle; perception influences behavior, and behavior influences perception. Want to change one? Well, just work on the other!

Changed Behavior Changes Perception

A middle school coach once shared with me how he taught a student to remain in his seat when students were working on assignments.

This boy was in constant motion. He would, on occasion, come completely out of his seat. The coach had an idea.

“I’ll bet I can convince you that you can stay in your seat for ten minutes with no problem at all.”

The boy didn’t think such a thing was possible. Staying seated had always been difficult for him at school, at home, at church, everywhere.

The coach smiled and left. In a moment he was back with a jump rope and a timer. He folded the jump rope a couple of times and placed it across the boy’s knees.

“In a moment, I’m going to set this timer for ten minutes,” he said. “All you have to do is keep the jump rope in your lap, without touching it with your hands, until the timer goes off.”

When the timer went off, no one was more surprised than the young man to see the jump rope still across his lap. He grinned at the coach, handed him the jump rope, and reset the timer for ten more minutes. When the timer went off for the second time, the boy was still in his seat.

Change Perception Changed Behavior

Once the boy was convinced he could remain in his seat, he became certain he could repeat the challenge, even without the jump rope.

Have you ever thought you couldn’t do something, only to watch another person do it, perhaps a person of less skill or ability than yourself? Did it ever cause you to think, “Well, if he can do it, I know I can?” That’s behavioral change that grew from a changed perception. It’s a powerful component of all sorts of learning.

Why Was the Coach’s “Experiment” Successful?

This is a question I ask when I share this story in teacher training. It brings some interesting responses, but two reasons stand above the others:

1. The instruction was simple and doable. The coach designated ten minutes, not two hours. Also, he instructed the boy to simply keep the jump rope on his lap. He didn’t bog the youngster down with multiple directions on how to do it (“Keep your feet on the floor;” “Keep your back straight and your hands on the desk,” “Don’t rock back in your chair;” “Just concentrate;” “Don’t look around the room”).

2. There was a focal point that gave the boy ongoing feedback. He could watch the timer and know precisely where he was in the challenge.

Another Reason?

Some folks suggest there was another reason why this experiment was successful: the attention, positive belief and affirmation of the coach. It certainly didn’t hurt. In terms of a long-term skill, the success with the jump rope was probably the most important, most useful and most remembered lesson he taught that student.

Closer to Home

Okay, this example involves a coach, but a parent can accomplish the same thing. In fact, every day parents demonstrate to doubting children what they can accomplish.

My first bicycle was a full-sized, three-speed English racer; no training wheels. Even with my father walking behind me hold onto the back of the seat, I felt overwhelmed. Knowing he was there with me helped me practice my balance.

When Dad thought I was ready to handle the bike on my own, he took me to a part of the street that had a slight downhill grade. I got some speed going and felt pretty good about it, especially knowing my father was right there behind me.

Only he wasn’t, of course. When I got to the end of the street and looked for my father, he was half a block behind me, grinning. He had “proven” to me I could manage the bike just fine. From that day on, that bike was my magic carpet over my small part of the world.

Is There a Life Lesson Here?

If you look back over the scenario with the jump rope, you’ll note the boy did not remain in his seat for ten minutes; he remained in his seat for 20 minutes; his choice! More importantly, he knew he could do the same anywhere and anytime for the rest of his life.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Jack was in front of me, being wheeled through the jetbridge by an attendant. A young lady, a social worker, accompanied him. He certainly was a delightful fellow and, in conversation with him and the social worker, I discovered he was 104 years old and moving to San Diego.

The attendant asked if I would hold boarding the plane until he could come back with the wheelchair; he needed the room to turn the chair around. They seated Jack on the front row, and we resumed boarding.

As we were landing in San Diego, a flight attendant announced that Jack was their special guest for that flight, that he was 104 years young, and that he was moving to San Diego. He also shared that, as folks got off the plane, they might want to shake Jack’s hand and wish him the well as as they passed by.

As I said, I was a through passenger, so I got to watch everyone as they spoke to Jack before getting off the plane. It was special, indeed. “They are making his day,” I thought to myself. I was wrong, of course.

He was making THEIR day!

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Sometimes I believe my son actually ENJOYS all the negativity his oppositional and defiant behavior brings upon him. Could that possibly be the case? Can a child really “enjoy” being in trouble constantly? If so, what can I do about it?

The short answer is, “Absolutely!” Like so many facets of behavior, however, there are deeper issues that play into what’s going on.

One huge issue is the power and control a youngster like your son experiences when he can control the emotions and behavior of an adult. Early on in my practice, I had a young patient who had his father by the throat (figuratively speaking, of course). He could make a lot of stuff happen by squeezing on that hold. Unfortunately, Dad played right into the son’s game. All the boy had to do was forget a chore, for instance, and Dad would go into a tirade.

Just imagine this picture. All the boy had to do was neglect taking out the trash and he got a first-rate floor show, and he knew he made it happen, and could make it happen any time he wanted. Although the boy didn’t like the hard edge of Dad’s wrath (consequences bordered on abuse), part of him delighted in the power and control he had over the old man.

Your situation probably is not as severe as the example I just shared, but I strongly believe that an adult’s response to oppositional, defiant and noncompliant behavior has a great deal to do with those behaviors happening again and again. It’s not the sort of payoff you can reach out and touch, but it’s a powerful, intangible payoff that a youngster can grow to prefer. Why? Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley say it well in their book, Transforming the Difficult Child:

“The energy, reactivity and animation that we radiate when we are pleased is relatively flat compared to our verbal and nonverbal responses to behaviors that cause us displeasure, frustration or anger.”

How Do We Change Things?

1. Refuse to become overly upset. If there is a consequence to be applied, apply it, then physically remove yourself from the situation, if you can. Youngsters don’t like consequences. If you hang around, they just might go through their entire script of unhappiness.

2. Work out all the consequences in advance, and write them down. Discuss with your child what would be reasonable consequences for forgotten tasks or inappropriate behaviors. When they are not in a defensive mood or “on-the-spot,” many youngsters will come up with excellent consequences as you consider what would be reasonable and fair for a given situation. (These are called “elicited” consequences. If the youngster helps you with the consequences, he’ll be less likely to say they are unfair when you later have to apply them.) Type all this up on the computer (better yet, let the youngster do it). Go over it again with them, and give them a copy of the signed document. Later, instead of telling them the consequence for a behavior, produce the list, and ask them to read it to you. There’s something about a child or teen stating a consequence in their own voice that takes a lot of the fight out of the situation.

3. Attend to your child when he’s NOT in trouble. Although this makes a lot of sense on the surface, we live in a busy, busy world. When our kids create trouble, we have to attend to it, but it’s easy to let relationships slide when there’s no emergency. Make a commitment just to be with the youngster for a few moments on a regular basis. A parent’s physical presence, especially in those few moments before their child goes to sleep, is a powerful and positive thing.

4. Consider ways to provide additional empowerment. For some kids, getting adults worked up into a full lather appeals to them because they feel that’s the only way they have any power at all. A simple way to increase empowerment is to offer more choices, where appropriate. In assigning chores, for instance, give them five tasks and explain they can give two of them back to you if they do three of them by a certain time.

5. Learn to live more calmly in an imperfect world. This one certainly applies to all of us. I have to work on it every day.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

That uncomfortable turn doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, that is precisely the issue, really. The problems we don’t see coming are the toughest ones to fix. Too often, our response is to wait and see if things will improve, or simply do nothing at all (except complain), as we wait not-so-patiently for everyone else to change.

The 72-hour Challenge

Here’s an idea that just might help. Imagine that, starting right now, you had only three days left here on Planet Earth. That’s a 72-hour deadline to settle ALL your business. What’s more, you couldn’t tell anyone you had only three days left.

Would this shift your priorities? Would the actions and habits of loved one that used to irritate you suddenly not matter anymore? Would such a challenge move you to take action to do some things that got lost on the back burner labeled “Later”? Obviously, I don’t know what would be on your three-day “To-Do” list; it would be different for every person. But I’m pretty sure what would be at the top of most every list: the repair, revering and deepening of one’s closest relationships.

(Although this might seem like a far-fetched “What if …?” on your behavior, it’s a reality for some folks. Randy Pausch, professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, lived it until he died in the summer of 2008 from pancreatic cancer. His best-selling book, The Last Lecture, and the actual lecture itself, continue to challenge us to dream big and live abundantly, starting with those we love the most. Randy’s biggerst regret was that his three children were much too young to understand the things he so much wanted to tell them before he died.)

If you accept the “72-hour Challenge” and take action to change some things, knowing you can’t explain the circumstances to anyone, you will discover how the results of those changes will be positive in essentially every instance. And all it takes is a reason and the resolve to something now, rather than the “later” that might never happen at all. ###

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

—————————————

If you were in the market for a watch in 1880, would you know where to get one? You would go to a store, right? Well, of course you could do that, but if you wanted one that was cheaper and a bit better than most of the store watches, you went to the train station! Sound a bit funny? Well, for about 500 towns across the northern United States, that’s where the best watches were found.

Why were the best watches found at the train station? The railroad company wasn’t selling the watches, not at all The telegraph operator was. Most of the time the telegraph operator was located in the railroad station because the telegraph lines followed the railroad tracks from town to town. It was usually the shortest distance and the right-of-ways had already been secured for the rail line.

Most of the station agents were also skilled telegraph operators and that was the primary way that they communicated with the railroad. They would know when trains left the previous station and when they were due at their next station. And it was the telegraph operator who had the watches. As a matter of fact they sold more of them than almost all the stores combined for a period of about 9 years.

This was all arranged by “Richard”, who was a telegraph operator himself. He was on duty in the North Redwood, Minnesota train station one day when a load of watches arrived from the east. It was a huge crate of pocket watches. No one ever came to claim them.

So Richard sent a telegram to the manufacturer and asked them what they wanted to do with the watches. The manufacturer didn’t want to pay the freight back, so they wired Richard to see if he could sell them. So Richard did. He sent a wire to every agent in the system asking them if they wanted a cheap, but good, pocket watch. He sold the entire case in less than two days and at a handsome profit.

That started it all. He ordered more watches from the watch company and encouraged the telegraph operators to set up a display case in the station offering high quality watches for a cheap price to all the travelers. It worked! It didn’t take long for the word to spread and, before long, people other than travelers came to the train station to buy watches.

Richard became so busy that he had to hire a professional watch maker to help him with the orders. That was Alvah. And the rest is history as they say.

The business took off and soon expanded to many other lines of dry goods.

Richard and Alvah left the train station and moved their company to Chicago — and it’s still there.

IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT that for a while in the 1880′s, the biggest watch retailer in the country was at the train station. It all started with a telegraph operator:

Richard Sears and his partner Alvah Roebuck

This telephone interview runs 29 minutes, and can be accessed through this link:
www.thechangingbehaviornetwork.com/2011/12/03.

There are over 60 medical, psychological, and environmental conditions and circumstances that can mimic the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

What does this mean? It means that almost 2.5 million young people are being misdiagnosed, mismedicated, and wrongly labeled as ADHD. The implications of this are far-reaching and harmful to our children.

In this fast-paced and fact-filled interview, ADHD expert and family practice physican, Dr. Frank Barnhill, describes the problems and concerns associated with a “quick fix,” a hasty diagnosis of ADHD and use of stimulant drugs without benefit of a thorough evaluation. He shares how a wrongful diagnosis in children and teens can lead to employment, legal, and emotional problems in adulthood. He then draws on his 27 years of family medicine to cover important questions parents should ask their doctor to be sure their children are being effectively evaluated and treated for ADHD (29:04).

Dr. Barnhill is the author of the aclaimed book, Mistaken for ADHD. The book, an ADHD blog, and his newsletter, “Living with ADHD,” are all available through his excellent and informative website, www.mistakenforadhd.com.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Marilyn initiates this intervention with the whole class, sharing that, if she circles a problem on a student’s paper, it is a guarantee it is CORRECT. (Now, isn’t that exactly the opposite of how it worked when you and I were in school? If a teacher ever circled something on my paper, it generally meant, “You might want to look at that one again.”)

As students are working on an assignment in class, Marilyn moves about the room checking and circling problems on students’ work. If she asks for volunteers to put the problem on the board, students with circled work know they won’t be embarrassed. It builds confidence and it builds trust with the teacher. Confidence and trust can reduce difficult behavior a bunch. Marilyn adds:

I roll my chair up and down the aisles as I check papers. It puts me on the same level with the students, and it helps foster a team atmosphere.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

I’m a Vietnam vet, and it’s becoming increasingly more clear to me that we are the OLD guys (and gals), now that so many of our WWII and Korea vets are no longer with us. When I do training now, and especially when I train school folks, most of the audience wasn’t even born when I was in the service.

When President Johnson stepped up the war in Vietnam in the late 60s, the draft was on, big-time. I joined so as to have at least a little choice, knowing my “number” was coming. I went into the Navy and, on balance, it was four years I think back on with pride. Because I tested out well in boot camp, I was able to get into the Naval Security Group, a branch of the Navy that handled extremely sensitive communication. It’s a very small part of the Navy.

This put me on two separate trips to Vietnam in 1969-70 in support of our marine counterparts With the Third Marine Amphibious Force (Camp Horn), near DaNang. I knew these guys; we had trained together in Pensacola, Florida. Because part of our duty was to call in firepower on the enemy, it was their job to try to knock us out of business. They wanted to kill us, and they certainly tried. I can remember clearly still wondering if the next incoming rocket was going to have my name on it. Fortunately, I made it through alright, with just a few close calls. Since then, I haven’t been able to come even close to the feeling of fellowship I experienced with those marines, and I’ve never felt, before or since, the sensation of absolutely KNOWING that what I was doing was signifcant because it saved many, many American lives.

As some of you might know, Vietnam vets were spat upon and ridiculed when they returned, as if they were somehow involved in the politics of it all. I remember all that. But today, I’m deeply humbled and appreciative.

Thanks again, from a veteran. May God bless you all.

Petty Officer 2nd Class James D. Sutton, USN (1966-1970)

Folks can write all kinds of books on raising and teaching difficult kids. It certainly seems that one’s head can become so overloaded with ideas until it’s difficult to focus on ANY of them. Tell me, what is the ONE thing I can do to have the most impact in changing the difficult and defiant behavior of my child?

It’s so easy to become overwhelmed by all the well-intended advice. Actually, this question reminds me a bit of the movie City Slickers (Columbia Pictures, 1991). Curly Washburn, Jack Palance’s character in the picture tells the wanna-be cowboys there is one one thing that matters most in their cattle drive, and in life. Curly never tells them what it is, exhorting them to figure it out for themselves.

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, the psychologist noted for his unique and effective approach to healing (his success resulted in the closing of an entire ward set aside for criminally insane patients at the Hawaii State Hospital in the late 80s), shares how he was inspired by a simple plaque on his mentor’s desk:

Peace Begins with Me

(Dr. Hew Len’s story inspired me from the moment I first heard of it, then later read about in the book, Zero Limits. His approach to healing lies at the very core of my newest work, The Changing Behavior Book.)

If this was the driving philosophy that helped Dr. Hew Len achieve astonishing improvement in what many would consider “impossible” individuals, how much better would it serve us with reasonably intact young people capable even of expressing a bit of tenderness amid the turmoil?

But what sort of peace is that? Well, for starters, I believe it means waking up in the morning without a “hangover” full of yesterday’s issues. Is that difficult to do? Incredibly so, sometimes; I’ve been there as a parent. But I honestly can’t remember one single instance where my anger, resentment, and frustration ever contributed anything to a solution. One doesn’t change the weather by smashing the thermometer.

Authentic peace, and how to achieve it, has as many meanings as there are folks interpreting it. One thing, however, is for cetain: Everyone knows when they don’t have it.

Let me close this section with a word of caution about “Peace Begins with Me.” It is contagious.

Your kids can catch it.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email