LET’S GET OUT OF HERE! The counselor’s office can be a semi-intimidating place for some youngsters. They don’t always do their best thinking there. There’s nothing wrong with a change of scenery.

One of my best sessions was with a girl I was treating for depression. She lived in a group home and just happened to be showing a lamb at the junior livestock show. She offered to show me the animal. After seeing her lamb, we walked a short distance to a rail fence and admired the open spaces as we visited.

The girl did more reflecting with me sitting on that rail fence than she did in weeks of sessions in the office. I have visited with young people at picnic tables, on a swing set, on a basketball court, in a woodshop with tools and on a brisk nature walk. All of those sessions were productive. These options are more limited in a school environment, both logistically and from a standpoint of confidentiality. But a little creativity can pay off in a big way.

James Sutton, Psychologist      www.docspeak.com

Special Guest: Dr. Doug Riley, author of best-seller, The Defiant Child, and the new book, What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You.

It was my distinct pleasure to interview Dr. Riley in this information-packed program on explosive behaviors in children and adolescents. He shares things that make sense in understanding and addressing different kinds of explosive behavior in young people.

For more information and to listen to or download the program, CLICK HERE.

James Sutton, Psychologist        www.docspeak.com

“IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT MUCH.” Minimization is “leaky” denial. In many ways, minimization is more difficult to deal with than denial because a youngster can minimize for 50 years. There could be a couple of reasons why a student or client would minimize the impact of an emotional event. It could be a way to avoid looking at or discussing painful stuff.

If a counselor puts off discussing the issue because the youngster minimizes it, the issue could eat the child alive. There is another possibility.

Youngsters who feel they must remain tough and bulletproof (difficult and defiant youngsters often fall into this category) feel they can’t afford any emotional baggage that pulls them down. Denial and minimization are their handiest defense against what they perceive as yet more pain and vulnerability. They feel that even quality suffering and getting through the issues are luxuries they can’t afford. It has always amazed me at just how surprised these youngsters are when they get an authentic glimpse of the power of what bothers them.

An example. I was doing group therapy at a residential treatment center one day. In the circle with me were about a dozen emotionally disturbed adolescent females. One girl was asked if it bothered her that her mother refused to keep her shortly after adopting her. (The girl tried to burn the house down, not exactly a way to show gratitude to a new parent.) “Not really,” she replied. “It doesn’t bother me much at all.”

“Sandy,” I said (not her real name), “does it bother you this much?” (I patted the empty seat next to me.) “Or does it bother you THIS MUCH?” (I screamed it out and hit the chair with both hands, full force.)

After we all recovered our wits, and after I assured the secretarial staff in the other room that they didn’t have to call in the National Guard, we discussed minimization. That remains one of my best therapy sessions ever.

(This intervention on minimization came from Dr. Sutton’s book, 60 Ways to Reach a Difficult and Defiant Child. This publication is also available in ebook (pdf) format at a very nominal cost. Go to his website, www.docspeak.com, for more information.)

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

NONCRITICAL NOTICING: It’s a safe bet that many, if not most, oppositional and defiant youngsters expect just about everything coming out of an adult’s mouth to be critical of them. They expect it, and they’re prepared for it. (Well, with the kind of responses their behaviors generally bring, it could be true much of the time.) But if you’ve ever attempted to pay them a compliment directly, they might find a way to trash it, right?

So how do we “notice” our children without it being turned into a conflict? Try a strategy I call Noncritical Noticing. 

In Noncritical Noticing a parent describes a slice of time with their child in it. It’s a clear example of how we must do our best work with our children when there is no conflict. Noncritical Noticing contains a lot of specifics, but no interpretation, judgement, or criticism. As such, it requires no response. This intervention is intended to slip silently under a child’s “radar,” catching them off guard, but in a positive way. It suggests to the youngster that we are taking a moment to notice THEM, and nothing else. It can be a powerful way to shape behavior, soften defenses, and build on a relationship. (Isn’t this an improvement over a youngster acting out in order to be noticed?)

(One of the tricky parts to this intervention is that a parent MUST use it when there is no conflict. This means there must be a conscious effort to use it when things are going relatively smoothly. In other words, opportunities must be created.)

Here are a couple of examples from my book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD (Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). This first one would be appropriate for a young child:

I see you’re putting a lot of bright colors into your drawing. Yes; there’s yellow, green and orange … and a very bright red right there. Really bright colors!

Notice that there is no evaluation at all regarding what the colors mean to the adult other than they are bright. The child already knew what he wanted to do with the colors; he just appreciated being noticed for it.

Here’s an example of Noncritical Noticing with an adolescent:

Tammy, I see you are carefully folding your clothes so you can get them all into that one suitcase you’re taking to Grandma’s. Look, you even found a way to use that small space down there on the end.

It’s really a snapshot, isn’t it? In this comment the parent is recognizing Tammy’s skill and focus in packing the suitcase without overinterpreting it. To Tammy the message could be: You have the ability to figure things out for yourself, to have a plan and make it work. After all, Tammy’s interpretation is the one that matters, right? Actually, it would probably work best for the parent to leave the room after the comment, giving it some time and silence to soak in.

Warning: The first time you try Noncritical Noticing you’ll struggle with wanting to intrepret or evaluate. It gets better with practice. 

Teachers: Noncritical Noticing is also a great strategy to use in the classroom, like in this example.

Tommy, before class started,  I saw you sharpening not one, not two, but THREE pencils! 

 The youngster in this situation receives the benefit of being recognized by the adult (and they DO like that), but with no judgement as to what the three pencils signify. There’s no fuel for disagreement, unless the student actually sharpened FOUR.

(You’ll find more great ideas for parents in Dr. Sutton’s book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD (Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). Click on the title for more information and to order. This great resource also is available in ebook (pdf) format at a reduced cost. For specifics on the ebook and for the option of immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

PUT IT TO BED! A 13-year-old boy was brought to my office by his parents; they were having big-time struggles with him. During the evaluation I asked him if he had a message he wanted his parents to hear loud and clear above all else. He replied (almost tearfully), “Tell them I don’t mean to cause trouble.” I believe he meant it, but it wasn’t going to stop his defiance. His statement did, however, underscore a powerful message I have been hearing one way or another from young people for over 30 years: They might struggle with their folks, but they DON’T want to lose them. This intervention focuses on recapturing the relationship in the midst of conflict.

As your son or daughter is just going to sleep, sit quietly at the foot of their bed for 2 minutes. Two minutes, that’s all (but it will seem like an eternity at first). Say nothing, then leave after the two minutes. If you continue this, it’s a safe bet that your child will eventually say something like, “Uh … Mom (Dad), WHY are you sitting on my bed?” There’s your opening. Try responding with something like this:

Well, you know, it’s gets a little crazy around this house during the day sometimes (especially in the mornings). If we’re not fussing at each other, we’re not speaking much at all. I guess I just wanted to be with you for a minute or two when things were quiet and calm. Is that okay?

Chances are it will be more than okay. The interchange that can occur naturally during the most peaceful and stable part of the child’s entire day, the moments before they drop off to sleep, can be special and relationship-focused.  

I’ve shared this intervention with thousands of parents over the years. Of those who have tried it and reported back to me, not a single parent ever indicated that the intervention exploded in their face. There were varying degrees of effectiveness, but all of them were glad they tried it. Most of them kept it up.

Let me be clear. I don’t recommend this intervention for all parents (I wouldn’t recommend it if the child was afraid of the parent, for instance), but it continues to be one of the most simple yet powerful actions I know that can put a relationship back on track. It won’t solve every issue, but it’s not a bad place to start.

NOTE: To subscribe to Dr. Sutton’s free monthly publication, the ODD Management Digest, click on the link to the right of this posting.

James Sutton, Psychologist      www.docspeak.com

NOTE: This teleseminar has already been conducted and is now ready for download. CLICK HERE to download the program in an mp3 file suitable for use in an iPod, mp3 player or computer.

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TELESEMINAR: “WINNING THE BEHAVIOR GAME”: We have recently set up a telephone bridge for conducting live teleseminars, and are excited about the possibilities of using this dependable and effective medium of training. We will be coordinating the telephone with a printed handout delivered by email.

The date of the teleseminar is Thursday, August 27th, 2009. It will be held at 8:00pm Central Time (Dallas and Chicago time). The teleseminar will be 60-70 minutes in length.

Dr. Sutton will be the presenter on this first teleseminar. His topic, Winning the Behavior Game, is a timely one in the management of difficult behavior in young people. Here’s what the program will cover:

The teleseminar will allow time for questions and interaction.

We will archive the training and the handout on the web, where it will be available for download.

Registration is limited. To express your interest in participating in this first program at no cost, simply email Dr. Sutton at the email address in the section to the right of this post, and put “Teleseminar” in the subject line. We will contact you with the phone number and access code for the call and, of course, the file for the training handout.

Do remember that, when registration is full, the teleseminar will be closed.

James Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

I was in Lousiana doing training for St. John’s Parish schools earlier this week when I had the opportunity to hear Ron Clark deliver an awesome keyote address to the educators gathered there. (Ron Clark is a North Carolina boy, the teacher about whom the film, “The Ron Clark Story,” was made. He was played by actor Matthew Perry. It’s a compelling story about Clark’s work with challenging students and circumstances in New York City’s Harlem.)

During his presentation, Ron shared a story about an effort he once made to encourage students to pay closer attention in class. He challenged them that, for every two minutes he had the undivided attention of the whole class, he would chug a lunch carton of chocolate milk. (He assured them that, if they did pay attention, he would most certainly throw up eventually.)

The plan worked. Ron shared how he made it through 14 cartons before … well, you know.

What happened next, however, was something he had not planned on. That evening, these students gave their folks an account of what had happened in class. Ron then began hearing from parents. They told him that, if he was willing to make himself sick to hold their child’s attention in class, he had their complete support.

My apologies go out to Ron Clark for this poor rendition of a story he told with such gusto, but I mention it here in support of his continuing work with young people. It poses an interesting question:

Just how reachable would kids be if we were willing to pay the price to make it happen?

Well, he charged my battery; that’s for sure.

Ron Clark’s efforts to challenge youngsters to a lifetime of achievement continue through his school in Atlanta, The Ron Clark Academy.

I wonder if he lets them serve chocolate milk there?

“IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT MUCH.” Minimization is “leaky” denial. In many ways, minimization is more difficult to deal with than denial because a youngster can minimize for 50 years.

There could be a couple of reasons why a student or client would minimize the impact of an emotional event. It could be a way to avoid looking at or discussing painful stuff. If a counselor puts off discussing the issue because the youngster minimizes it, the issue could eat the child alive.

There is another possibility. Youngsters who feel they must remain tough and bulletproof (difficult and defiant youngsters often fall into this category) feel they can’t afford any emotional baggage that pulls them down. Denial and minimization are their handiest defense against what they perceive as yet more pain and vulnerability. They feel that even quality suffering and getting through the issues are luxuries they can’t afford.

It has always amazed me at just how surprised these youngsters are when they get an authentic glimpse of the power of what bothers them.

An example. I was doing group therapy at a residential treatment center one day. In the circle with me were about a dozen emotionally disturbed adolescent females. One girl was asked if it bothered her that her mother refused to keep her shortly after adopting her. (The girl tried to burn the house down, not exactly a way to show gratitude to a new parent.) “Not really,” she replied. “It doesn’t bother me much at all.”

“Sandy,” I said (not her real name), “does it bother you this much?” (I patted the empty seat next to me.) “Or does it bother you THIS MUCH?” (I screamed it out and hit the chair with both hands, full force.) After we all recovered our wits, and after I assured the secretarial staff in the other room that they didn’t have to call in the National Guard, we discussed minimization and its cost.

That remains one of my best therapy sessions ever. There is harmful power and potency in the emotional baggage we stuff into convenient corners and closets.

James Sutton, EdD  Psychologist    www.docspeak.com 

My wife and I recently took two of our grandchildren on a flight to visit our daughter and two more grandkids in Idaho. It was one of those regional jets (SMALL), and we were to be cramped in there all the way from Houston to our connection in Salt Lake City.

One of the grandkids, Jake, had never flown before. Guess whom he sat with?To say he was nervous would be an understatement. But he did just fine.

He did something interesting. (Poor boy; how many kids have to fly for the first time with the added burden of sitting next to a grandparent who is also a psychologist?) After we were in the air, he would raise the little window next to him, look out, then close it. He did this over and over again.

My first thought was he was made more anxious by what he saw when the window was open, so he closed it. (I can’t imagine why he would be anxious about flying in an enclosed aluminum tube loaded with fuel, going five hundred miles per hour, six miles up.)

As I thought about it, a different reason came to me. The little window was the ONLY thing he could control. Regarding everything else, he was totally dependent. He couldn’t even get out of his seat unless the little light allowed it. So he worked that little window for the whole trip.

At first it irritated me a bit. But when I realized that it was bothering no one else on that airplane, I became fine with it.

Don’t we ALL need something we can control in times of stress and uncertainty? Whatever it is might not make a big difference in the total outcome of situations and circumstances, but it does help us tolerate an uncomfortable experience.

Dr. Viktor Frankl (Austrian psychiatrist and author of “Man’s Search for Meaning”) realized this very thing when he, a Jew, was thrust into the Nazi death camps of World War II. In the experience of daily not knowing if he would live or die, he realized he still had complete control over one thing–how he would interpret it all. From that, the whole existential movement in psychiatry grew. The attachment of meaning to live’s experiences (Dr. Frankl called it Logotherapy) clearly  makes a difference in physical and psychological survival and thrival.

We all need to feel like we can control something, even if it’s a little window headed for Salt Lake.

James Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

Here’s a tip for child service professionals who find themselves faced with trying to get a difficult youngster to talk to them.

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Here’s a great strategy to use when you’re engaged in an activity with a youngster that requires taking turns. I’ve used it many times with youngsters who tend to be overly reticent. I simply pause when it’s my turn, then I pose a question or make a comment or observation. I don’t complete my turn until I get a response.

The best of counseling and therapy happens in the pauses anyway, those reflective moments of insight and understanding.

I remember visiting with a young man as we played a game of pool. (When given the option to sit and talk or “do something” and talk, “do something” always wins.) He got a little more caught up in the game than in the therapy.

Rather than redirect him verbally, I used the game to my advantage. At my turn, I started to take a shot, then pulled the stick back. I paused and reflected on what we had been discussing.  With a confused and questioning look on my face (not at all difficult for me), I asked him something:

John, I just now was wondering what you might have been thinking when your stepmom said that to you. Do you think she was angry at you, or was she actually angry at your father?

Then I waited (The “Forever” Pause). The easiest way for John to keep the game going was to answer my question. Oh, there was pressure for him to respond, but it didn’t seem contrived or full of manipulation. It was more spontaneous, and it “fit” in the moment. On balance, this approach has been a very effective strategy for encouraging youngster to interact. It can be used with most any game or activity that requires players to take turns.

By the way, did you notice the “Splitting the Universe” in my question to John? (We covered that in last month’s Digest; it’s a great tool.) I gave him a menu of only two items, and went from there. Had I asked, “What do you believe she was thinking, John?” he likely would have said, “I don’t know.”

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(For 59 other interventions and problem-solving approaches with young people, check out Dr. Sutton’s book, 60 Ways to Reach a Difficult and Defiant Child. Just a couple of these ideas can enhance greatly your work and success with difficult and defiant youngsters. The book is immediately downloadable in pdf format. For more no-obligation information and options for immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

James Sutton, Psychologist

The Defiance Doctor

www.docspeak.com