Sometimes I believe my son actually ENJOYS all the negativity his oppositional and defiant behavior brings upon him. Could that possibly be the case? Can a child really “enjoy” being in trouble constantly? If so, what can I do about it?

The short answer is, “Absolutely!” Like so many facets of behavior, however, there are deeper issues that play into what’s going on.

One huge issue is the power and control a youngster like your son experiences when he can control the emotions and behavior of an adult. Early on in my practice, I had a young patient who had his father by the throat (figuratively speaking, of course). He could make a lot of stuff happen by squeezing on that hold. Unfortunately, Dad played right into the son’s game. All the boy had to do was forget a chore, for instance, and Dad would go into a tirade.

Just imagine this picture. All the boy had to do was neglect taking out the trash and he got a first-rate floor show, and he knew he made it happen, and could make it happen any time he wanted. Although the boy didn’t like the hard edge of Dad’s wrath (consequences bordered on abuse), part of him delighted in the power and control he had over the old man.

Your situation probably is not as severe as the example I just shared, but I strongly believe that an adult’s response to oppositional, defiant and noncompliant behavior has a great deal to do with those behaviors happening again and again. It’s not the sort of payoff you can reach out and touch, but it’s a powerful, intangible payoff that a youngster can grow to prefer. Why? Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley say it well in their book, Transforming the Difficult Child:

“The energy, reactivity and animation that we radiate when we are pleased is relatively flat compared to our verbal and nonverbal responses to behaviors that cause us displeasure, frustration or anger.”

How Do We Change Things?

1. Refuse to become overly upset. If there is a consequence to be applied, apply it, then physically remove yourself from the situation, if you can. Youngsters don’t like consequences. If you hang around, they just might go through their entire script of unhappiness.

2. Work out all the consequences in advance, and write them down. Discuss with your child what would be reasonable consequences for forgotten tasks or inappropriate behaviors. When they are not in a defensive mood or “on-the-spot,” many youngsters will come up with excellent consequences as you consider what would be reasonable and fair for a given situation. (These are called “elicited” consequences. If the youngster helps you with the consequences, he’ll be less likely to say they are unfair when you later have to apply them.) Type all this up on the computer (better yet, let the youngster do it). Go over it again with them, and give them a copy of the signed document. Later, instead of telling them the consequence for a behavior, produce the list, and ask them to read it to you. There’s something about a child or teen stating a consequence in their own voice that takes a lot of the fight out of the situation.

3. Attend to your child when he’s NOT in trouble. Although this makes a lot of sense on the surface, we live in a busy, busy world. When our kids create trouble, we have to attend to it, but it’s easy to let relationships slide when there’s no emergency. Make a commitment just to be with the youngster for a few moments on a regular basis. A parent’s physical presence, especially in those few moments before their child goes to sleep, is a powerful and positive thing.

4. Consider ways to provide additional empowerment. For some kids, getting adults worked up into a full lather appeals to them because they feel that’s the only way they have any power at all. A simple way to increase empowerment is to offer more choices, where appropriate. In assigning chores, for instance, give them five tasks and explain they can give two of them back to you if they do three of them by a certain time.

5. Learn to live more calmly in an imperfect world. This one certainly applies to all of us. I have to work on it every day.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

That uncomfortable turn doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, that is precisely the issue, really. The problems we don’t see coming are the toughest ones to fix. Too often, our response is to wait and see if things will improve, or simply do nothing at all (except complain), as we wait not-so-patiently for everyone else to change.

The 72-hour Challenge

Here’s an idea that just might help. Imagine that, starting right now, you had only three days left here on Planet Earth. That’s a 72-hour deadline to settle ALL your business. What’s more, you couldn’t tell anyone you had only three days left.

Would this shift your priorities? Would the actions and habits of loved one that used to irritate you suddenly not matter anymore? Would such a challenge move you to take action to do some things that got lost on the back burner labeled “Later”? Obviously, I don’t know what would be on your three-day “To-Do” list; it would be different for every person. But I’m pretty sure what would be at the top of most every list: the repair, revering and deepening of one’s closest relationships.

(Although this might seem like a far-fetched “What if …?” on your behavior, it’s a reality for some folks. Randy Pausch, professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, lived it until he died in the summer of 2008 from pancreatic cancer. His best-selling book, The Last Lecture, and the actual lecture itself, continue to challenge us to dream big and live abundantly, starting with those we love the most. Randy’s biggerst regret was that his three children were much too young to understand the things he so much wanted to tell them before he died.)

If you accept the “72-hour Challenge” and take action to change some things, knowing you can’t explain the circumstances to anyone, you will discover how the results of those changes will be positive in essentially every instance. And all it takes is a reason and the resolve to something now, rather than the “later” that might never happen at all. ###

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

—————————————

If you were in the market for a watch in 1880, would you know where to get one? You would go to a store, right? Well, of course you could do that, but if you wanted one that was cheaper and a bit better than most of the store watches, you went to the train station! Sound a bit funny? Well, for about 500 towns across the northern United States, that’s where the best watches were found.

Why were the best watches found at the train station? The railroad company wasn’t selling the watches, not at all The telegraph operator was. Most of the time the telegraph operator was located in the railroad station because the telegraph lines followed the railroad tracks from town to town. It was usually the shortest distance and the right-of-ways had already been secured for the rail line.

Most of the station agents were also skilled telegraph operators and that was the primary way that they communicated with the railroad. They would know when trains left the previous station and when they were due at their next station. And it was the telegraph operator who had the watches. As a matter of fact they sold more of them than almost all the stores combined for a period of about 9 years.

This was all arranged by “Richard”, who was a telegraph operator himself. He was on duty in the North Redwood, Minnesota train station one day when a load of watches arrived from the east. It was a huge crate of pocket watches. No one ever came to claim them.

So Richard sent a telegram to the manufacturer and asked them what they wanted to do with the watches. The manufacturer didn’t want to pay the freight back, so they wired Richard to see if he could sell them. So Richard did. He sent a wire to every agent in the system asking them if they wanted a cheap, but good, pocket watch. He sold the entire case in less than two days and at a handsome profit.

That started it all. He ordered more watches from the watch company and encouraged the telegraph operators to set up a display case in the station offering high quality watches for a cheap price to all the travelers. It worked! It didn’t take long for the word to spread and, before long, people other than travelers came to the train station to buy watches.

Richard became so busy that he had to hire a professional watch maker to help him with the orders. That was Alvah. And the rest is history as they say.

The business took off and soon expanded to many other lines of dry goods.

Richard and Alvah left the train station and moved their company to Chicago — and it’s still there.

IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT that for a while in the 1880′s, the biggest watch retailer in the country was at the train station. It all started with a telegraph operator:

Richard Sears and his partner Alvah Roebuck

This telephone interview runs 29 minutes, and can be accessed through this link:
www.thechangingbehaviornetwork.com/2011/12/03.

There are over 60 medical, psychological, and environmental conditions and circumstances that can mimic the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

What does this mean? It means that almost 2.5 million young people are being misdiagnosed, mismedicated, and wrongly labeled as ADHD. The implications of this are far-reaching and harmful to our children.

In this fast-paced and fact-filled interview, ADHD expert and family practice physican, Dr. Frank Barnhill, describes the problems and concerns associated with a “quick fix,” a hasty diagnosis of ADHD and use of stimulant drugs without benefit of a thorough evaluation. He shares how a wrongful diagnosis in children and teens can lead to employment, legal, and emotional problems in adulthood. He then draws on his 27 years of family medicine to cover important questions parents should ask their doctor to be sure their children are being effectively evaluated and treated for ADHD (29:04).

Dr. Barnhill is the author of the aclaimed book, Mistaken for ADHD. The book, an ADHD blog, and his newsletter, “Living with ADHD,” are all available through his excellent and informative website, www.mistakenforadhd.com.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Marilyn initiates this intervention with the whole class, sharing that, if she circles a problem on a student’s paper, it is a guarantee it is CORRECT. (Now, isn’t that exactly the opposite of how it worked when you and I were in school? If a teacher ever circled something on my paper, it generally meant, “You might want to look at that one again.”)

As students are working on an assignment in class, Marilyn moves about the room checking and circling problems on students’ work. If she asks for volunteers to put the problem on the board, students with circled work know they won’t be embarrassed. It builds confidence and it builds trust with the teacher. Confidence and trust can reduce difficult behavior a bunch. Marilyn adds:

I roll my chair up and down the aisles as I check papers. It puts me on the same level with the students, and it helps foster a team atmosphere.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

I’m a Vietnam vet, and it’s becoming increasingly more clear to me that we are the OLD guys (and gals), now that so many of our WWII and Korea vets are no longer with us. When I do training now, and especially when I train school folks, most of the audience wasn’t even born when I was in the service.

When President Johnson stepped up the war in Vietnam in the late 60s, the draft was on, big-time. I joined so as to have at least a little choice, knowing my “number” was coming. I went into the Navy and, on balance, it was four years I think back on with pride. Because I tested out well in boot camp, I was able to get into the Naval Security Group, a branch of the Navy that handled extremely sensitive communication. It’s a very small part of the Navy.

This put me on two separate trips to Vietnam in 1969-70 in support of our marine counterparts With the Third Marine Amphibious Force (Camp Horn), near DaNang. I knew these guys; we had trained together in Pensacola, Florida. Because part of our duty was to call in firepower on the enemy, it was their job to try to knock us out of business. They wanted to kill us, and they certainly tried. I can remember clearly still wondering if the next incoming rocket was going to have my name on it. Fortunately, I made it through alright, with just a few close calls. Since then, I haven’t been able to come even close to the feeling of fellowship I experienced with those marines, and I’ve never felt, before or since, the sensation of absolutely KNOWING that what I was doing was signifcant because it saved many, many American lives.

As some of you might know, Vietnam vets were spat upon and ridiculed when they returned, as if they were somehow involved in the politics of it all. I remember all that. But today, I’m deeply humbled and appreciative.

Thanks again, from a veteran. May God bless you all.

Petty Officer 2nd Class James D. Sutton, USN (1966-1970)

Folks can write all kinds of books on raising and teaching difficult kids. It certainly seems that one’s head can become so overloaded with ideas until it’s difficult to focus on ANY of them. Tell me, what is the ONE thing I can do to have the most impact in changing the difficult and defiant behavior of my child?

It’s so easy to become overwhelmed by all the well-intended advice. Actually, this question reminds me a bit of the movie City Slickers (Columbia Pictures, 1991). Curly Washburn, Jack Palance’s character in the picture tells the wanna-be cowboys there is one one thing that matters most in their cattle drive, and in life. Curly never tells them what it is, exhorting them to figure it out for themselves.

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, the psychologist noted for his unique and effective approach to healing (his success resulted in the closing of an entire ward set aside for criminally insane patients at the Hawaii State Hospital in the late 80s), shares how he was inspired by a simple plaque on his mentor’s desk:

Peace Begins with Me

(Dr. Hew Len’s story inspired me from the moment I first heard of it, then later read about in the book, Zero Limits. His approach to healing lies at the very core of my newest work, The Changing Behavior Book.)

If this was the driving philosophy that helped Dr. Hew Len achieve astonishing improvement in what many would consider “impossible” individuals, how much better would it serve us with reasonably intact young people capable even of expressing a bit of tenderness amid the turmoil?

But what sort of peace is that? Well, for starters, I believe it means waking up in the morning without a “hangover” full of yesterday’s issues. Is that difficult to do? Incredibly so, sometimes; I’ve been there as a parent. But I honestly can’t remember one single instance where my anger, resentment, and frustration ever contributed anything to a solution. One doesn’t change the weather by smashing the thermometer.

Authentic peace, and how to achieve it, has as many meanings as there are folks interpreting it. One thing, however, is for cetain: Everyone knows when they don’t have it.

Let me close this section with a word of caution about “Peace Begins with Me.” It is contagious.

Your kids can catch it.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

As I conference with the school on my child’s behavior, I’m finding it difficult to suggest a proactive approach to intervention. What do you see as the issue here, and how can we best address it?

This is an excellent question. To make sure we’re on the same page, proactive intervention refers to addressing a pattern of behavior in a way that it cannot happens again. For instance, if Sally doesn’t want to stay in her seat, she’s given a task she can only do standing up, or if Tony’s always dropping his crayons when it’s time to go to lunch, the before-lunch activity is changed so there are no crayons to drop. (These are just examples; intervention can become considerably more involved than this.)

Why it can be a Difficult “Sell”

Three reasons come to mind as to why a suggested proactive plan might meet with resistance:

1. Everyone is overwhelmed already. Schools have their hands plenty full just following mandated state and federal standards. The last thing they need is one more thing. If being proactive involves planning, it might just be shuffled to the bottom of the stack.

2. Proactivity means spending time and energy on something that hasn’t happened (yet). It’s an elective approach for addressing something that, in a perfect world, might not happen again. Look at it this way: How many folks buy a burglar alarm after their house has been robbed.

3. The prevailing thought might be, “the YOUNGSTER needs to be doing the changing, not me.” This is an understandable position, but it might not take into account that the child is “stuck” and doesn’t have the faintest clue how to change.

“Selling” It

An effective proactive plan for addressing problem behavior might be “sold” by pointing out some of the following benefits:

1. It sets up the child to be successful. If the youngster can go a day without the problem behavior, it can be the begining of a new, better pattern. Who doesn’t want to have a better day?

2. A proactive stance is the best and most efficient use of time and resources. The counselor, school psychologist, and administrator aren’t being called out for emergencies. Also, there are no discipline referrals for problems that don’t happen; there’s nothing for teachers to have to write. (They have enough of that already.)

3. There’s less distraction and more on-task work. The youngster, the other students, and the teacher all benefit from a problem that never happens.

4. It’s much more pleasant. Relationships fare better with a proactive approach. When there are no negative consequences, no losses are imposed (and we all know how kids hate to lose anything).

It would not be difficult to work a proactive approach into Response to Intervention, Positive Behavior Intervention and Support, an Individualized Education Plan (Special Education), a Behavior Improvement Plan (also SpEd), or a 504 Plan. Tracking and follow-up, and accountability all the way around (including the parent, of course), would be built into the effort.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

I wonder how many folks would change their striving if they believed that Hoffer and Prager were on target. I’m talking about those folks who say they will be happy after they get a raise, or get a better job, or get married, or get divorced, and on and on. It just doesn’t work like that. How many people have pretty much everything … and are miserable with it?

In their book, The Second Force, Gary and Pat Emery say this: “Learning to be happy is like training a bird to sit on your shoulder. You have to let the happiness come to you rather than chase after it.” They also add, “Happiness is a discovery without a search.”

I LIKE that!

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

I love the bumper crop of bright yellow flowers against the deep green of the leaves, and I also love what the word Esperanza means in Spanish: Hope.

These Esperanzas are thriving in south Texas temperatures that topped 100 degrees every single day for months. As long as they’re watered, they’ll grow close to 20 feet in a single season. (I’m no plant expert, but I believe that my Esperanza plants are so tall because they want to get out of the shade. There’s hardly a bloom on them until they grow taller than the fence and then some. They WANT the sun.

When a freeze comes, however, the Esperanzas are the first to go; I cut them down even with the ground every winter. And yet, when spring, they start their climb once more. Why? Well, because they have awesome roots that hold fast, cold or hot.

These Esperanza plants can teach us a very important lesson: If you are rooted well, you know who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. With strong roots a little care, you can grow and grow and grow. Adversity not only causes you to grow even more, it can even uncover hidden blessings and opportunity.

Hope is alive and well. Grow, Esperanzas, grow!

James Sutton, Psychologist