Let’s Get Out of Here!

LET’S GET OUT OF HERE! The counselor’s office can be a semi-intimidating place for some youngsters. They don’t always do their best thinking there. There’s nothing wrong with a change of scenery.

One of my best sessions was with a girl I was treating for depression. She lived in a group home and just happened to be showing a lamb at the junior livestock show. She offered to show me the animal. After seeing her lamb, we walked a short distance to a rail fence and admired the open spaces as we visited.

The girl did more reflecting with me sitting on that rail fence than she did in weeks of sessions in the office. I have visited with young people at picnic tables, on a swing set, on a basketball court, in a woodshop with tools and on a brisk nature walk. All of those sessions were productive. These options are more limited in a school environment, both logistically and from a standpoint of confidentiality. But a little creativity can pay off in a big way.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist      www.docspeak.com

The Explosive Child: Call-in Teleseminar

Special Guest: Dr. Doug Riley, author of best-seller, The Defiant Child, and the new book, What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You.

It was my distinct pleasure to interview Dr. Riley in this information-packed program on explosive behaviors in children and adolescents. He shares things that make sense in understanding and addressing different kinds of explosive behavior in young people.

For more information and to listen to or download the program, CLICK HERE.

James Sutton, Psychologist        www.docspeak.com

Working with the Child Who Minimizes

“IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT MUCH.” Minimization is “leaky” denial. In many ways, minimization is more difficult to deal with than denial because a youngster can minimize for 50 years. There could be a couple of reasons why a student or client would minimize the impact of an emotional event. It could be a way to avoid looking at or discussing painful stuff.

If a counselor puts off discussing the issue because the youngster minimizes it, the issue could eat the child alive. There is another possibility.

Youngsters who feel they must remain tough and bulletproof (difficult and defiant youngsters often fall into this category) feel they can’t afford any emotional baggage that pulls them down. Denial and minimization are their handiest defense against what they perceive as yet more pain and vulnerability. They feel that even quality suffering and getting through the issues are luxuries they can’t afford. It has always amazed me at just how surprised these youngsters are when they get an authentic glimpse of the power of what bothers them.

An example. I was doing group therapy at a residential treatment center one day. In the circle with me were about a dozen emotionally disturbed adolescent females. One girl was asked if it bothered her that her mother refused to keep her shortly after adopting her. (The girl tried to burn the house down, not exactly a way to show gratitude to a new parent.) “Not really,” she replied. “It doesn’t bother me much at all.”

“Sandy,” I said (not her real name), “does it bother you this much?” (I patted the empty seat next to me.) “Or does it bother you THIS MUCH?” (I screamed it out and hit the chair with both hands, full force.)

After we all recovered our wits, and after I assured the secretarial staff in the other room that they didn’t have to call in the National Guard, we discussed minimization. That remains one of my best therapy sessions ever.

(This intervention on minimization came from Dr. Sutton’s book, 60 Ways to Reach a Difficult and Defiant Child. This publication is also available in ebook (pdf) format at a very nominal cost. Go to his website, www.docspeak.com, for more information.)

 

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

Noncritical Noticing

NONCRITICAL NOTICING: It’s a safe bet that many, if not most, oppositional and defiant youngsters expect just about everything coming out of an adult’s mouth to be critical of them. They expect it, and they’re prepared for it. (Well, with the kind of responses their behaviors generally bring, it could be true much of the time.) But if you’ve ever attempted to pay them a compliment directly, they might find a way to trash it, right?

So how do we “notice” our children without it being turned into a conflict? Try a strategy I call Noncritical Noticing. 

In Noncritical Noticing a parent describes a slice of time with their child in it. It’s a clear example of how we must do our best work with our children when there is no conflict. Noncritical Noticing contains a lot of specifics, but no interpretation, judgement, or criticism. As such, it requires no response. This intervention is intended to slip silently under a child’s “radar,” catching them off guard, but in a positive way. It suggests to the youngster that we are taking a moment to notice THEM, and nothing else. It can be a powerful way to shape behavior, soften defenses, and build on a relationship. (Isn’t this an improvement over a youngster acting out in order to be noticed?)

(One of the tricky parts to this intervention is that a parent MUST use it when there is no conflict. This means there must be a conscious effort to use it when things are going relatively smoothly. In other words, opportunities must be created.)

Here are a couple of examples from my book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD (Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). This first one would be appropriate for a young child:

I see you’re putting a lot of bright colors into your drawing. Yes; there’s yellow, green and orange … and a very bright red right there. Really bright colors!

Notice that there is no evaluation at all regarding what the colors mean to the adult other than they are bright. The child already knew what he wanted to do with the colors; he just appreciated being noticed for it.

Here’s an example of Noncritical Noticing with an adolescent:

Tammy, I see you are carefully folding your clothes so you can get them all into that one suitcase you’re taking to Grandma’s. Look, you even found a way to use that small space down there on the end.

It’s really a snapshot, isn’t it? In this comment the parent is recognizing Tammy’s skill and focus in packing the suitcase without overinterpreting it. To Tammy the message could be: You have the ability to figure things out for yourself, to have a plan and make it work. After all, Tammy’s interpretation is the one that matters, right? Actually, it would probably work best for the parent to leave the room after the comment, giving it some time and silence to soak in.

Warning: The first time you try Noncritical Noticing you’ll struggle with wanting to intrepret or evaluate. It gets better with practice. 

Teachers: Noncritical Noticing is also a great strategy to use in the classroom, like in this example.

Tommy, before class started,  I saw you sharpening not one, not two, but THREE pencils! 

 The youngster in this situation receives the benefit of being recognized by the adult (and they DO like that), but with no judgement as to what the three pencils signify. There’s no fuel for disagreement, unless the student actually sharpened FOUR.

(You’ll find more great ideas for parents in Dr. Sutton’s book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD (Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). Click on the title for more information and to order. This great resource also is available in ebook (pdf) format at a reduced cost. For specifics on the ebook and for the option of immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

Put it to Bed!

PUT IT TO BED! A 13-year-old boy was brought to my office by his parents; they were having big-time struggles with him. During the evaluation I asked him if he had a message he wanted his parents to hear loud and clear above all else. He replied (almost tearfully), “Tell them I don’t mean to cause trouble.” I believe he meant it, but it wasn’t going to stop his defiance. His statement did, however, underscore a powerful message I have been hearing one way or another from young people for over 30 years: They might struggle with their folks, but they DON’T want to lose them. This intervention focuses on recapturing the relationship in the midst of conflict.

As your son or daughter is just going to sleep, sit quietly at the foot of their bed for 2 minutes. Two minutes, that’s all (but it will seem like an eternity at first). Say nothing, then leave after the two minutes. If you continue this, it’s a safe bet that your child will eventually say something like, “Uh … Mom (Dad), WHY are you sitting on my bed?” There’s your opening. Try responding with something like this:

Well, you know, it’s gets a little crazy around this house during the day sometimes (especially in the mornings). If we’re not fussing at each other, we’re not speaking much at all. I guess I just wanted to be with you for a minute or two when things were quiet and calm. Is that okay?

Chances are it will be more than okay. The interchange that can occur naturally during the most peaceful and stable part of the child’s entire day, the moments before they drop off to sleep, can be special and relationship-focused.  

I’ve shared this intervention with thousands of parents over the years. Of those who have tried it and reported back to me, not a single parent ever indicated that the intervention exploded in their face. There were varying degrees of effectiveness, but all of them were glad they tried it. Most of them kept it up.

Let me be clear. I don’t recommend this intervention for all parents (I wouldn’t recommend it if the child was afraid of the parent, for instance), but it continues to be one of the most simple yet powerful actions I know that can put a relationship back on track. It won’t solve every issue, but it’s not a bad place to start.

NOTE: To subscribe to Dr. Sutton’s free monthly publication, the ODD Management Digest, click on the link to the right of this posting.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist      www.docspeak.com

Teleseminar on ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)

NOTE: This teleseminar has already been conducted and is now ready for download. CLICK HERE to download the program in an mp3 file suitable for use in an iPod, mp3 player or computer.

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TELESEMINAR: “WINNING THE BEHAVIOR GAME”: We have recently set up a telephone bridge for conducting live teleseminars, and are excited about the possibilities of using this dependable and effective medium of training. We will be coordinating the telephone with a printed handout delivered by email.

The date of the teleseminar is Thursday, August 27th, 2009. It will be held at 8:00pm Central Time (Dallas and Chicago time). The teleseminar will be 60-70 minutes in length.

Dr. Sutton will be the presenter on this first teleseminar. His topic, Winning the Behavior Game, is a timely one in the management of difficult behavior in young people. Here’s what the program will cover:

 

1. The concept of how inappropriate behavior is often reinforced inadvertantly.

 

2. What a youngster attempts to achieve with inappropriate behavior, and how to manage it directly.

 

3. The concept of patterns of behavior and why they are so difficult to manage.

 

4. The three powerful elements of a pattern.

 

5. Strategies and interventions for breaking down patterns and redirecting behavior.

 

6. The value of NOT “Stirring the Pot” in intervention.

The teleseminar will allow time for questions and interaction.

We will archive the training and the handout on the web, where it will be available for download.

Registration is limited. To express your interest in participating in this first program at no cost, simply email Dr. Sutton at the email address in the section to the right of this post, and put “Teleseminar” in the subject line. We will contact you with the phone number and access code for the call and, of course, the file for the training handout.

Do remember that, when registration is full, the teleseminar will be closed.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

What Are You Willing to Do?

I was in Lousiana doing training for St. John’s Parish schools earlier this week when I had the opportunity to hear Ron Clark deliver an awesome keyote address to the educators gathered there. (Ron Clark is a North Carolina boy, the teacher about whom the film, “The Ron Clark Story,” was made. He was played by actor Matthew Perry. It’s a compelling story about Clark’s work with challenging students and circumstances in New York City’s Harlem.)

During his presentation, Ron shared a story about an effort he once made to encourage students to pay closer attention in class. He challenged them that, for every two minutes he had the undivided attention of the whole class, he would chug a lunch carton of chocolate milk. (He assured them that, if they did pay attention, he would most certainly throw up eventually.)

The plan worked. Ron shared how he made it through 14 cartons before … well, you know.

What happened next, however, was something he had not planned on. That evening, these students gave their folks an account of what had happened in class. Ron then began hearing from parents. They told him that, if he was willing to make himself sick to hold their child’s attention in class, he had their complete support.

My apologies go out to Ron Clark for this poor rendition of a story he told with such gusto, but I mention it here in support of his continuing work with young people. It poses an interesting question:

Just how reachable would kids be if we were willing to pay the price to make it happen?

Well, he charged my battery; that’s for sure.

Ron Clark’s efforts to challenge youngsters to a lifetime of achievement continue through his school in Atlanta, The Ron Clark Academy.

I wonder if he lets them serve chocolate milk there?

“It Doesn’t Bother Me THAT Much!”

“IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT MUCH.” Minimization is “leaky” denial. In many ways, minimization is more difficult to deal with than denial because a youngster can minimize for 50 years.

There could be a couple of reasons why a student or client would minimize the impact of an emotional event. It could be a way to avoid looking at or discussing painful stuff. If a counselor puts off discussing the issue because the youngster minimizes it, the issue could eat the child alive.

There is another possibility. Youngsters who feel they must remain tough and bulletproof (difficult and defiant youngsters often fall into this category) feel they can’t afford any emotional baggage that pulls them down. Denial and minimization are their handiest defense against what they perceive as yet more pain and vulnerability. They feel that even quality suffering and getting through the issues are luxuries they can’t afford.

It has always amazed me at just how surprised these youngsters are when they get an authentic glimpse of the power of what bothers them.

An example. I was doing group therapy at a residential treatment center one day. In the circle with me were about a dozen emotionally disturbed adolescent females. One girl was asked if it bothered her that her mother refused to keep her shortly after adopting her. (The girl tried to burn the house down, not exactly a way to show gratitude to a new parent.) “Not really,” she replied. “It doesn’t bother me much at all.”

“Sandy,” I said (not her real name), “does it bother you this much?” (I patted the empty seat next to me.) “Or does it bother you THIS MUCH?” (I screamed it out and hit the chair with both hands, full force.) After we all recovered our wits, and after I assured the secretarial staff in the other room that they didn’t have to call in the National Guard, we discussed minimization and its cost.

That remains one of my best therapy sessions ever. There is harmful power and potency in the emotional baggage we stuff into convenient corners and closets.

James Sutton, EdD  Psychologist    www.docspeak.com 

The Window (A Need to Control Something)

My wife and I recently took two of our grandchildren on a flight to visit our daughter and two more grandkids in Idaho. It was one of those regional jets (SMALL), and we were to be cramped in there all the way from Houston to our connection in Salt Lake City.

One of the grandkids, Jake, had never flown before. Guess whom he sat with?To say he was nervous would be an understatement. But he did just fine.

He did something interesting. (Poor boy; how many kids have to fly for the first time with the added burden of sitting next to a grandparent who is also a psychologist?) After we were in the air, he would raise the little window next to him, look out, then close it. He did this over and over again.

My first thought was he was made more anxious by what he saw when the window was open, so he closed it. (I can’t imagine why he would be anxious about flying in an enclosed aluminum tube loaded with fuel, going five hundred miles per hour, six miles up.)

As I thought about it, a different reason came to me. The little window was the ONLY thing he could control. Regarding everything else, he was totally dependent. He couldn’t even get out of his seat unless the little light allowed it. So he worked that little window for the whole trip.

At first it irritated me a bit. But when I realized that it was bothering no one else on that airplane, I became fine with it.

Don’t we ALL need something we can control in times of stress and uncertainty? Whatever it is might not make a big difference in the total outcome of situations and circumstances, but it does help us tolerate an uncomfortable experience.

Dr. Viktor Frankl (Austrian psychiatrist and author of “Man’s Search for Meaning”) realized this very thing when he, a Jew, was thrust into the Nazi death camps of World War II. In the experience of daily not knowing if he would live or die, he realized he still had complete control over one thing–how he would interpret it all. From that, the whole existential movement in psychiatry grew. The attachment of meaning to live’s experiences (Dr. Frankl called it Logotherapy) clearly  makes a difference in physical and psychological survival and thrival.

We all need to feel like we can control something, even if it’s a little window headed for Salt Lake.

James Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

The “Forever” Pause

Here’s a tip for child service professionals who find themselves faced with trying to get a difficult youngster to talk to them.

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Here’s a great strategy to use when you’re engaged in an activity with a youngster that requires taking turns. I’ve used it many times with youngsters who tend to be overly reticent. I simply pause when it’s my turn, then I pose a question or make a comment or observation. I don’t complete my turn until I get a response.

The best of counseling and therapy happens in the pauses anyway, those reflective moments of insight and understanding.

I remember visiting with a young man as we played a game of pool. (When given the option to sit and talk or “do something” and talk, “do something” always wins.) He got a little more caught up in the game than in the therapy.

Rather than redirect him verbally, I used the game to my advantage. At my turn, I started to take a shot, then pulled the stick back. I paused and reflected on what we had been discussing.  With a confused and questioning look on my face (not at all difficult for me), I asked him something:

 

John, I just now was wondering what you might have been thinking when your stepmom said that to you. Do you think she was angry at you, or was she actually angry at your father?

 

Then I waited (The “Forever” Pause). The easiest way for John to keep the game going was to answer my question. Oh, there was pressure for him to respond, but it didn’t seem contrived or full of manipulation. It was more spontaneous, and it “fit” in the moment. On balance, this approach has been a very effective strategy for encouraging youngster to interact. It can be used with most any game or activity that requires players to take turns.

By the way, did you notice the “Splitting the Universe” in my question to John? (We covered that in last month’s Digest; it’s a great tool.) I gave him a menu of only two items, and went from there. Had I asked, “What do you believe she was thinking, John?” he likely would have said, “I don’t know.”

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(For 59 other interventions and problem-solving approaches with young people, check out Dr. Sutton’s book, 60 Ways to Reach a Difficult and Defiant Child. Just a couple of these ideas can enhance greatly your work and success with difficult and defiant youngsters. The book is immediately downloadable in pdf format. For more no-obligation information and options for immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

 

James Sutton, Psychologist

The Defiance Doctor

www.docspeak.com

How to Praise a Difficult Child

As a parent, have you ever tried to compliment your difficult child, only to have it turn into an argument or fight? (ODD kids especially are good at trying to analyze your motive or drag you into a conflict on their turf: words.) If so, here’s a little strategy that is very effective because … well, because after the compliment you’ll disappear! (It’s quite difficult to argue with someone who isn’t there.)

There are two components to pulling off this intervention. First, you’ll need a pre-planned, quick exit. Second, you’ll need an argument-resistant compliment or expression of thanks, something that can be objectively verified. (“Thank you for being nice today” is not an objective statement and, with some youngsters, it can turn into a noose around your neck. “I noticed you put the lawnmower back in the garage” would be objective and verifiable.)

Here’s an example of a father speaking to his teenage daughter as he is standing at the front door, car keys in hand:
 

Oh, Terri, I wanted to tell you something. I’m headed to the store to get some whipped cream for dinner, but I didn’t want to neglect to mention this. It’s important. Every day this week you’ve gotten out your homework and attended to it without your mother or I needing to remind you at all. That’s wonderful, Terri. Thanks. Gotta go.

And he leaves quickly, before there’s even an opportunity for Terri to say anything.

Now, if she really wants to say, “Thanks, Dad, thanks for noticing,” she can say it when Dad returns. It’s up to her, but there’s no need for an obligatory response on her part, nor is there an opening for her to whip up an argument or “attitude.” The good stuff happens in the silence as Dad is driving to the store.

The beginnings of positive change don’t make any sound at all.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

A Father’s Day Tribute, 2009

Here’s a YouTube upload of a song I wrote following the loss of my father, Fred Sutton, in 1998. The lyrics of it are in an earlier Father’s Day post on this site. This posting is my Father’s Day, 2009, tribute to him. More than that, it’s for all the fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers that have lovingly guided our lives in so many ways.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks for always being there for me.

James Sutton, Psychologist www.docspeak.com

Best Wishes, Alyssa

The front page of the San Antonio Express-News captured my attention this morning. It was a huge photograph of St. Mary’s University sophomore, Alyssa Trevino and her mother, Edna, fullfilling a longstanding wish to meet the pope. (In the photo, he seems as delighted as she is.)

Alyssa, a native of Harlingen, Texas,  is 19, but six years ago, she had open-heart surgery. The Rio Grande chaper of the Make-A-Wish Foundation sent Alyssa and her mother to the Vatican for this memorable moment.

But there’s more. Alyssa is currently majoring in biology, with plans to become a pediatric cardiologist. Something tells me she’s going to make it.

We live in a time when young people collect a lot of bad press. Some of it’s their fault, some not. But is refreshing to reflect on the fact that there are plenty of good kids out there.

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

Thoughts on D-Day, 65 Years Later

Precious few of those who survived the invasion of Normandy and eventually broke the back of the Nazi regime are still with us. It’s been 65 years.

Their sacrifice and their unfaltering resolve stood in the gap at a time when the Allies were assured of nothing. I don’t know if there was a back-up plan to the invasion, but I doubt it. Had the invasion failed, our world would be much  different today.

The decision to invade the beaches and thrust through France and eventually onto German soil had to be sheer agony  for Allied Supreme Commander General Eisenhower. He was aware of the cost. I’m sure that, as he looked into the faces of the men of the 101st Airborne as they were preparing to be dropped behind enemy lines as a component of the plan, he knew full well a good many of these soldier would ever see their families and loved ones again.

But mostly, it was not the generals, but rather the privates, corporals and seamen whose resolve made the defining difference. They weren’t fighting for glory; they were fighting for absolutely everything they held dear. 

We could use a little of that sort of resolve today.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist     www.docspeak.com

Why Kids STAY Angry

Anger in children and adolescents is one of the toughest behavioral issues to manage. This is partly because the expression of anger “feeds” the next angry outburst. In other words, angry behavior is self-reinforcing because of the “benefits” it creates for the individual. Consequences alone usually don’t slow down the angry youngster much at all. Nationally recognized psychologist and author, Dr. James Sutton, explains the issues of anger in young people, why they are so difficult to address, and how we can better address the needs of the angry child or adolescent.

It might take a moment for this video to load. Here’s a link of this video you can email: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ls_A9zaV3s4

James Sutton, Psychologist www.docspeak.com

Dealing with Difficult Behavior in Children

WHY IS THIS? Here’s an excellent and insightful email response to the April newsletter:  

From your last newsletter, it sounds like, in cases like this, there’s no remedy to solve the problems of oppositional children. (It leads one to believe that) defiance is just basic human instinct, to give a negative charge to what the other person wants the outcome to be.

 

 

I believe that, in milder forms of defiant behavior, this can be exactly the case. This is especially true in good kids who pull their load at school, make decent grades, have friends and, in general, function pretty well. There are dispositional traits to defiance that might make a youngster a prime candidate for the debate team … even a winning debater. They are geared to take issue with just about everything, and once in awhile they’re even right.

 

Problems surface when a youngster’s behaviors create short and long-term serious damage, especially to self. (In fact, the DSM diagnosis of ODD notes this.) Failure in school, alienation of friends and relationships, self-medication with drugs, alcohol and sex (and other self-effacing behaviors) and progression into full-blown mental illness are unacceptable to anyone who cares about this child or adolescent. “Remedy” is a pretty strong word for mental health professionals, but here’s how I would encourage parents to approach the behaviors of a child that are more than just a “difficult phase:”

 

1. Don’t throw gasoline on the fire. Too often, the energy of our response to inappropriate behavior further “feeds” what we don’t want. It can tell the youngster just exactly how effective the rotten behavior was (especially when it’s written all over our face).

 

2. Discern, if you can, the child’s “self” message. Some kids beat themselves up with their behaviors because they see themselves as “bad” or unacceptable in some way. These youngsters usually have difficulty with peers, also. Even when they desperately want a friend, they’re apt to destroy the relationship. Young children keep peers at a distance (because they can’t handle them up close) with behaviors that don’t make much sense, but they work. Older kids are a bit more sophisticated in the behaviors, but the message is the same: “Don’t get too close, because you won’t like what you’ll find.” (My 72-page e-book, Improving a Child’s Self-Esteem, has a five-part evaluation for assessing components of self-concept, along with suggestions for addressing areas of concern. This guide is not a panacea, but it does offer real help, especially with younger children. For more information on it, CLICK HERE.)

 

Haim Ginot in his marvelous classic, Between Parent and Child, tells the story of a parent taking a three-year-old to a day-care facility for the first time. The boy looks around the room and shouts, “Who drew all these ugly pictures?” The parent, aghast at the lad’s behavior, started to correct him. The day-care director immediately intervened, saying to the boy, “Here you’re allowed to draw pictures however you want to.” She had correctly interpreted and addressed the boy’s “self” message: “What happens around here to a kid who doesn’t draw very well?”

 

3. Work on the “self” message as much as you work on behaviors: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, one popular intervention,operateson a simple premise: “Our core beliefs are displayed in our behavior.” As core beliefs change, so does behavior, although the textbooks fail to mention that it’s more difficult to put into practice what’s simple to put into a paragraph. (This is precisely why I’m not a big proponent of behavior modification and the use of rewards to change behavior. These measures have their merit, but they don’t address core beliefs much at all.)  

 

Although professional help might be in order, I don’t believe parents are powerless to create lasting and positive change. We will continue to address this issue in future (free) installments of the ODD Management Digest.

ODD, Gifted … and Difficult

WHY IS THIS? Here’s an interesting question that came by email:

My 13-year-old daughter is both ODD and gifted. She was failing math in school. We made a deal that, if she would bring up the math grades, I would buy her a certain jacket she is crazy about. Bottom line: she failed. I don’t understand it. She WANTED that jacket.

 

This is a common problem. I call it a “dynamic” issue because a lot is going on below the surface. We’re assuming that the jacket is a sufficient goal for the girl, and that she really wants it. If both of those conditions are met, why does she keep failing when she clearly can do better? Consider two reasons:

1. Tangibles don’t necessarily outweigh intangibles. The jacket is a tangible. You can see it, touch it, and wear it. But the visible frustration on the faces and the escalating blood pressure of the parents is a powerful payoff also. The message from the girl could be: “I’ll lose the jacket, but I’ll win this battle.” Another payoff is she doesn’t have to do any math. I’ve seen youngsters offered money (a lot of it) and even a four-wheeler if they’d bring grades up to passing, yet they deliberately failed. This “Gotcha Game” has high stakes.

2. Defiant behavior has an addictive quality. I honestly believe many youngsters are drawn into defiant behavior because of the “rush” they get from the outcomes, especially when those outcomes reinforce the behaviors. Just about every child and adolescent will tell you they don’t like having their parents upset with them, but that doesn’t mean the defiant behaviors are going to stop.

Okay, so how do we use incentives and make them work for us?

1. Make certain you don’t flinch. The youngster is expecting the adult to get upset when they are again defiant, or when their behavior causes them to lose an incentive the parents really wanted them to have. No parent wants to see a plan fail, but it’s important that their frustration doesn’t register with the youngster. Bottom line: Be as upset as you need to be, but not in front of, or in earshot, of the child.

2. Don’t talk too much. Most young people believe adults talk non-stop. After a point, they tune it out.

3. Let the youngster write up the “deal.” If you set up an incentive as a reward for specific accomplishment (such as better grades), have the child put all the particulars down in her own handwriting. Everyone signs it and gets a copy.

4. Have incremental action items for the youngster. Using the example shared in the mother’s comments, let’s say there’s three weeks until the end of the reporting period for grades. The girl will present her parents with a “coupon” for the jacket at the successful conclusion of three weeks. At the end of the first week of the incentive she receives one third of the coupon from her parents, but she has to show documented effort at bringing up the grades, and she has to ask for it. The same goes for the second and third piece of the jacket coupon. When she can tape together the three pieces and give the coupon to her parents, the jacket is hers. If she doesn’t ask for any of the pieces, NOTHING is said about it. She’ll learn quickly enough.

James Sutton, Psychologist      www.docspeak.com

This post comes from the April, 2009 edition of the free online publication, the ODD Management Digest.  To subscribe for free, CLICK HERE.

Listen to What’s NOT Being Said

“LISTEN TO WHAT’S NOT BEING SAID” Much defiant and difficult behavior in children and adolescents comes from their reactions to circumstances and situations in their lives. The burden cast on parents to play the guessing games happens when youngsters, for whatever reason, don’t talk about it. They often suffer through, with their behavior being the expression of that suffering.

Although there can be many reasons why youngsters don’t talk about what troubles them, three reasons cover most of the bases:

1. They don’t know HOW to talk about it.

2. They are afraid that expressing themselves and how they feel will only get them into yet MORE trouble.

3. They feel that talking about their troubles only makes them bigger.

 

By way of an example, let me share about a time when I was convinced I had only a few days to live. I was nine years old.

It’s not difficult for a few third-grade boys to get into trouble. One day we played war at the pencil sharpener, sword fighting with freshly sharpened pencils. I was stabbed in my right hand. The lead broke off, leaving a good-sized chunk of the point in my palm.

“Too bad,” one of my friends lamented. “That’s lead in your hand. You’re going to get lead poisoning … and DIE.” The other boys concurred with his diagnosis. I was terrified. (To be totally accurate, I had been wounded by graphite, not lead. But just try to figure that out while your friends are dividing up your stuff.)

I wasn’t certain they were right, but I was certain that I didn’t want to tell my teacher or the school nurse about it. I wasn’t up to hearing an adult confirm what the boys had told me.

I just suffered in silence until it was time to go home.

Eventually, I knew I had to tell my parents. I remember watching my father one evening before supper, wondering just how I would tell him his only son was dying. The poor man was trying to read the paper when I blubbered out the whole story.

Dad didn’t tell me my fear was silly or foolish. He validated it, and then promised he had something that would fix the whole thing. He went to the bathroom medicine cabinet and came back with a small bottle of what he called Monkey Blood. He wisely told me this cure would hurt, but that the pain would be a sure sign the medicine was working. He then dumped half the bottle into the palm of my hand.

I was never so grateful to feel pain (a lot of it). I was going to LIVE! I still carry a small graphite tattoo deep in the palm of my right hand, a reminder to be a bit more understanding of the fear and concern of another human being.

This story is about fear; other stories are about anger. Depending on the circumstances (and it seems families today have plenty of them), a youngster can “stew” in an issue months before behaviors surface. Encouraging a son or daughter to talk about it is critical to managing the behavior effectively. Here are a few suggestions for accomplishing just that:

1. Always try to exercise patience. We live in a society that wants instant cures and instant answers, but haste will cripple communication.

2. Let the youngster know that talking with you about their problems doesn’t make them larger and unmanageable; it brings additional resources for dealing with them.

3. Realize that some youngsters have trouble handling direct questions when they are scared or upset.  “Why did you do THAT?” will bring few, if any, answers you can use. Instead, focus on finding the issue by offering a small “menu.” Here’s an example of a simple two-part menu:

When you screamed at your mother earlier, were you really angry at her, or were you still upset that Grandma is in Intensive Care?

Parents are pretty intuitive, they can generally get very close to the issues and open the door to discussion.

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

(Pages 69-72 of my book, What Parents Need to Know about ODD, outline a process I call “Good Faith” Confrontation. Over the years it has worked well when parents follow the steps. It’s an approach that gets dialog going quickly and focuses on both the issues and the relationships.)

   (You’ll find more great ideas for parents in Dr. Sutton’s book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD(Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). Click on the title for more information and to order. This great resource also is available in ebook (pdf) format at a reduced cost. For specifics on the ebook and for the option of immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

Why ODD Doesn’t Qualify for Special Ed

WHY DOESN’T MY CHILD QUALIFY? This mother put into her question the frustration experienced by a lot of parents:
My ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) child’s behavior is causing her to fail in school, yet I was told she does NOT qualify for Special Education assistance. How can this be?

Strict application of Special Education guidelines specify that only emotionally disabled youngsters can be eligible for placement and services in Special Education. Youngsters with behavioral disorders (and ODD is considered a behavioral disorder) technically do not qualify for these services.

Frankly, this loophole is as loose or as tight as one wants to make it. There might be a number of options, but these two are the primary ones:

1. Experts agree that ODD rarely occurs by itself; it’s generally accompanied by conditions like low frustration tolerance, poor impulse control and even depression. Since depression or issues with impulse control (both emotional conditions) may not be addressed at all in the acting out youngster, the child could be denied those services she could qualify for easily. Only a good assessment can identify and quantify emotionality for certain. Although there appears to be little difference between diagnosis of the same child as “ODD with features of depression” or “Depression with features of oppositionality and defiance” one will qualify the child for Special Education assistance, while the other won’t. Wording makes a difference.

2. Current guidelines stipulate that a student failing in school should receive intervention that starts in the classroom and, if necessary, moves up in “tiers,” a hierarchy sometimes called the Pyramid of Intervention. This intervention is documented in a file that can be reviewed. Good, effective intervention often addresses the behavior and the issues with no need for a Special Education referral at all.

James Sutton, Psychologist www.docspeak.com

Behavior As An Attempt to “Fix” Problems

BEHAVIOR AS AN ATTEMPT TO “FIX” PROBLEMS:  The behaviors of young people, what they DO, can be one of the best indicators of what’s going on inside of them. More often that we realize, their behaviors are an attempt to “fix” issues and situations in their lives.  Reading this behavior is not especially difficult, but it takes a little practice.

A boy is fearful his parents will divorce. How does he stop them? I’ve seen youngsters find their way into so much trouble at school their parents had to come to together to deal with it.

Now that’s an interesting dynamic. As long as the boy is in trouble, Mom and Dad are actually communicating and working together on something involving their son. And, as long as they are working together, they are together. With that kind of payoff, how do you propose to stop the lad’s behavior?

Here’s another example. I had the opportunity some time back to work with a high-school girl from a single-parent family. (Her mother had died of pancreatic cancer, one enormous and unaddressed source of the girl’s depression and anger.) Dad work had him on the road all the time. The girl felt she essentially had lost both of her parents.

She found an effective way to get her father off the road. She began failing in school. It worked! Dad had countless meetings with her teachers, and he begged her to bring up her grades. Clearly capable of passing, she failed the ninth grade. In fact, since Dad was a slow learner, she failed it three times.

In both of these examples the youngsters considered the consequences of their behavior preferable to letting the problem continue. As obvious as these two examples appear, they were not obvious to the folks in the middle of them. Effective intervention, therefore, should recognize the problem the behavior is trying to “fix,” then address both it and the behavior.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

 

   (You’ll find more great ideas for parents in Dr. Sutton’s book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD(Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). Click on the title for more information and to order. This great resource also is available in ebook (pdf) format at a reduced cost. For specifics on the ebook and for the option of immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

Duane with No Brain

When it comes to young people, we’re are often confronted with challenges that seem to have neither reason nor solution. Perhaps this story will help reinforce the notion that youngsters don’t always tell us where it hurts. That’s when we need to listen to the behaviors.

I was a school psychologist working with a fifth grader. Let’s call him Duane. The boy had a brain tumor and, fortunately, it was benign. The tumor was removed and he healed quickly and completely … physically.

Academically, however, it was a different story. Duane was a solid and capable student before his surgery. After the surgery, he began failing everything. Everyone was puzzled; there was no reason why he should have difficulty. Doctors assured the school and Duane’s folks that the boy should be able to do everything he could do before the surgery, only better. I was assigned to work with Duane and (hopefully) arrive at a solution to the problem.

Duane was your proverbial “good kid,” a polite and respectful young man, the sort of youngster you wouldn’t mind taking home with you. The testing I administered didn’t point to any issues that would account for his present difficulty. In short, I was stumped, also.

Then it hit me. Could it be?

I couldn’t wait to get back to the school the next day and pull Duane out of class.

“Duane, when you had the surgery …”

“Yes sir?” he responded.

“Did you think they removed your brain?”

“Yes sir.”

“Your WHOLE brain, Duane?”

“Yes, sir. Didn’t they?”

“No, Duane. They just took out the tumor. Your brain is still there, better than ever.”

“Really, sir?”

“Absolutely! You shouldn’t have any more trouble with it.”

And he didn’t it. Duane was instantly happier and his grades shot up in a matter of hours.

I wish all the problems I encountered could have worked out like Duane. Even today, however, I’m always on alert for the fears and concerns youngsters are NOT talking about.

James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

My Dancing “Elf” Grandkids

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ALL!

Here’s an antimated elf  movie of our grandchildren:

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/f4Fg1fNryh6szGHU

James Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

Defiant Children: Why Some Interventions DON’T Work

This post is taken from my December issue of the ODD Management Digest (click here to subscribe). It poses an interesting question.

It’s happened to all of us, hasn’t it. We implement a new intervention we have learned … and it falls FLAT! It not only fails, it flops miserably. Why?

A 9th-grade teacher tried Karen Ledet’s idea from the November issue of the ODD Management Digest and emailed the following concern (essentially, Karen, a teacher in Vernon, Florida, posed a really simple, but powerful idea: to provide a desk separated from the others for any youngster who just wants more “space” when they do their classwork):

  I tried the “Privacy Desk” technique with one student, but he does not like it because he says I am isolating him. I would appreciate your advice.

Obviously this would not be a strategy to use with a student who considers it a punitive measure. I might isolate a student as a disciplinary measure, but that would be a different intervention entirely.

As I see it, and as Karen explained it, the benefit of the “Privacy Desk” is that it runs mostly on automatic pilot. Students who feel they need a bit more space from others can use the “isolated” desk. There are those times when some youngsters WANT to be alone in a crowded classroom.

This teacher’s concern is both valid and real; I’ve definitely “been there; done that.” The whole issue brings up the importance of the role of perception in determining exactly HOW a student will handle an intervention.

An example. I once provided counseling services in a small school district in southeast Texas. I was only there once a month, but I quickly got to know most of the students. They would come up to me in the hall and ask me if I would sit next to them at lunch. To them, it was a big thing.

But consider the youngster who cannot behave or keep his hands to himself. The teacher tell him he will sit with her at lunch, and will not be going outside with the others for lunch recess. That kid HATES it. The same behavior, sitting with the teacher or counselor at lunch, can be Heaven or Hell to a child depending on how it is ”packaged.”

A youngster’s perception of an intervention is a key ingredient to its success. 

 

James Sutton, Psychologist         www.docspeak.com

Thoughts on Five Kernels of Corn

The story on this blogsite, Five Kernels of Corn, The Thanksgiving Story, originally goes back to William Bradford’s personal account of the Pilgrims’ early experiences in this country. I have never read Bradford’s account, only excerpts of it from Marshall and Manuel’s inspiring book, The Light and the Glory (Fleming H. Revell, 1977). I included it as a story of faith in a publication of my own.

There are those who have said the story is not true. I cannot guarantee that it is, but I have read Manuel and Marshall’s book twice, and am amazed at the research and the multiple references that went into their work. Nothing careless there that I could see. 

One reason for debunking the story is that five kernels of corn have no nutritional value. They could not sustain life. Maybe so, but faith and hope have no nutritional value, but both are powerful sustainers of life.

(Speaking of nutritional value, Manuel and Marshall describe how some of the early Jamestown settlers became so hungry they boiled and ate the leather hinges off boxes and trunks. Not much nutritional value there either but, if it’s all you have, it’s all you have.)   

Personally, I believe the story is one of simple faith, a willingness to put one’s total self and soul into the hands of the Creator of it all. After all, what is left when your back is to the wall, and your stomach is rubbing against your backbone?

The Pilgrims didn’t have the luxury of a government bailout plan. They stayed with the faith that brought them here.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

(If you know of anyone who struggles sometimes with their children, please tell them about my free ebooklet, Resolving Conflicts with Your Children. They can download it through my free monthly email publication, the ODD [Oppositional Defiant Disorder] Mangement Digest. The link for it is on the right. It is a great resource for educators, counselors and parents.)

 

James Sutton, Psychologist

Can Gifted and Talented Youngsters be ODD?

Here is one of a number of articles from the November edition of the free, monthly publication, the ODD Management Digest. This newsletter is dedicated specifically to those who parent, teacher or counsel youngsters described as oppositional and defiant (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). The question answered this month dealt with defiant behavior in Gifted & Talented children and adolescents. Note: For a free subscription to the ODD Management Digest, CLICK HERE. –James Sutton, EdD, Psychologist (author of the award-winning book, If My Kid’s So Nice, Why’s He Driving ME Crazy?)

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Can Gifted & Talented youngsters also be ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?

Absolutely! My Gifted & Talented (but not ODD) friend in Virginia, Dr. Doug Riley (author of The Defiant Child), tells us that most ODD youngsters feel they are the EQUAL of the adults in their struggles. (Although that’s a fairly arrogant perspective, “arrogant” is another descriptor for many ODD kids.) G&T youngsters certainly can crank it up a few notches and take defiance to a whole new creative level. They don’t feel EQUAL; they feel SUPERIOR in the conflict. (I guess we could call that arrogance on steroids.) They are crafty at planning outcomes THEY are almost guaranteed to win.

Gifted & Talented kids are experts at knowing how to win by LOSING. They might be failing in school, but they can stir up a meeting that last for hours (that’s a LOT of power for a youngster). Threats don’t work, as evidenced by the “I win!” grin on this kid’s face when they push the adult to deliver a consequence that sends blood pressure off the chart and, likely as not, ends up being a mass inconvenience. Rewards don’t fair much better if the biggest “goodie” is frustrating the adults in their lives. And these kids know how to do it. Heck, they could TEACH it!

Fair enough, but what do we DO with these youngsters?

 I would start by addressing the youngster’s behavior in two phases:

1. I’d attempt to determine what the payoff for the inappropriate behavior would be, they find a way NOT to pay it.

2. I’d look and see if there are other addressable issues at the core of the defiance.

Since it’s not my intent to write a book chapter here, let me just hit a couple of highlights on these two phases. First of all, if I felt the youngster’s intent was to delight in frustrating me, I’d back out of the conflict. Within the classroom setting, for instance, I’d put this child on an assignment in a small group with just two other (compliant) classmates. The kid can’t hide, because three minus one leaves a hole anyone would notice. Also, the defiance toward the teacher has stopped (at least temporarily), and youngsters tend to be less defiant toward peers, especially if  the groups are changed regularly. It would also be more difficult for this kid to trash a reward  or benefit that was earned by the group.    

And, yes, there can issues the core of the defiance. These issues are often not addressed because the BEHAVIOR is the focus of treatment. This can often make the child even angrier and more difficult, and the brigher the child, the more angry and difficult the behavior.

Depression is not unusual. In fact, some research back in 1993 indicated that approximately 50% of youngsters diagnosed as Oppositional Defiant Disorder could also have been diagnosed as depressed. If the depression goes untreated, behavior usually worsens. If it is treated, there can be a breakthrough in behavior. This is why a good psychological assessment is so important.

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Different Looks; Same Focus

I just returned from a great trip to Canada, Alberta to be exact. I flew into Calgary to do some training for the Alberta Teachers Association, an absolutely top-shelf organization. The conference was held at the Delta Lodge at Kananaskis, in the Canadian Rockies near the site of the Calgary Winter Olympics.

In speaking with teachers there, I learned something about tolerance for cold weather. I made the comment that, at some point, minus 40 degrees (common in the area) wouldn’t seem much colder than minus 20.

I was IMMEDIATELY corrected on that one.

“Those 20 degrees make a HUGE difference,” I was informed. “We can let the children play outside when it’s minus 20, but not when it’s minus 40.”

“REALLY?” I exclaimed. Where I’m from in south Texas, there might be some folks who wouldn’t let their children play outside when it’s 40 degrees ABOVE zero. But, of course, kids play outside ALL the time in 100+ degree weather.”

“How could that be?” someone said. “It would be like an oven!” How could you possibly bear to be outdoors in any temperatures above 90?”

Interesting, huh? It’s all a matter of HOW and WHERE you grew up. The human body is a pretty resilient organism.

We DID agree on the fact that today, more than ever, parents and teachers need to step up to the plate and love, affirm, guide and educate their children to experience and master not only the temperature, but all the “climates” they will encounter in this ever-changing and evolving world.

And that will remain constant whether you live in Pleasanton, Texas (USA), Calgary, Alberta (Canada), or any place else. 

 

James Sutton, EdD Psychologist        www.docspeak.com

A Familiar Strain Might Ease the Pain

As a psychologist, I was always taught to work with patients where THEY were, which included helping them with their emotional/behavioral baggage without loading them up with mine. That’s not a bad precept.

One of the toughest areas involves spirituality and religion because this aspect of faith can build (hope) or tear down (shame). People have been both supported and damaged by religion for eons. “Tread carefully” is the therapeutic message.

I had a patient, and elderly gentleman, who proudly professed to be a born-again Christian. The probelm was he ruminated on every mistake he ever made in his life. He beat himself up continously. It was painful to watch him do it.

One day he sank in his wheelchair and dropped his head as he mumbled against himself. On a whim, I reached back and started singing the first hymn a young child learns:

“Jesus love me, this I know …”

He started singing with me as he slowly lifted his head. Tears were streaming down his face, but he was smiling for the first time in months. We finished the song; he said: “Sing it again.”

We did.

You know, I’m not suggesting that I initiated any miracle here, the “lift” it provided for him was temporary, I’m sure. But it made a difference to him in THAT moment.

Sometimes a familiar strain might ease the pain … if only for a while. And that’s good news for children of ANY age.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

Adults with ODD?

By far the most popular question coming through my website and email is one that doesn’t even deal with children and adolescents. Regardless of how the questions are stated, they all sound something like this:

Everything I hear and read talks about Oppositional Defiant Disorder in children and adolescents. What about ADULTS? Is there an adult ODD?

Odd is classified as a condition of childhood and adolescence according to the current edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), as published by the American Psychiatric Association. When a youngster reaches 18, he or she moves out of ODD and into the adult classification system. If the adult’s behavior is serious enough, they might be classified according to a group of diagnoses called “personality disorders.” At one time there was a classification called Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, but it is no longer being used. One theory on it being discontinued was that all personality disorders contain some passive-aggressive (oppositional and defiant) behaviors.

Okay, what constitutes “serious enough?” 

Maladaptive behaviors are serious enough when the adult cannot maintain employment or constantly moves from job to job, has trouble with significant other relationships (possible multiple divorces), or has a strong dependence on alcohol, substances or negative habits.

Although we’re talking about adults here, young people can engage in similar behaviors when they have trouble in school, have difficulty making and keeping friends, and rely on fancy toys or video games to synthetically alter their mood.

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This piece is from the October edition of the ODD Management Digest by Dr. Sutton. For a FREE email subscription, click here.

James D. Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

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Note added July 14, 2009:

This post has obviously struck a chord with a lot of folks. The comments are reflective of the frustration of not only family members of individuals presenting adult-type features of oppositional and defiant behaviors, but of these individuals themselves as they watch their lives and the lives of loved ones fall apart before them.

As noted, these behaviors in adulthood can go by a lot of different names, classifications and diagnoses. Identification and treatment can be a paramount concern, also. It has come to my attention that a white paper on the topic, clarifying features, diagnostics, treatment and support, might be helpful. If there is enough interest, I’ll put one together. 

If you would be interested, email me at suttonjd@docspeak.com, and simply put “White Paper on Adult ODD” in the subject line.

JDS  

 

Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Six-Final)

The information in this serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Six-Final)

“Automatic” Soothing

The capacity for a youngster to self-soothe is directly related to that child’s concept of themself. This concept is Self Concept, and the youngster’s evaluation of it makes up Self Esteem. When a youngster improves or gains in Self Concept, his ability to self-soothe improves also; they move together. It makes sense then that efforts at improving Self Concept would “automatically” boost skills of self-soothing.

In addition to Self Esteem, there are three other components to Self Concept: Body Self, Social Self and Cognitive Self. It’s not at all unusual for a youngster to struggle with one or more of these. Here’s where we can help.

Body Self relates to how a youngster views her physical appearance and presence in comparison to peers. Although we can’t always change every aspect of how our children look, the best appearance or correction possible is important, whether it be clothing, braces, eyeglasses or any number of things that enhance appearance and a sense of physical wholeness and functionality. In other instances, Body Self might be related to physical skills and abilities. Sports and athletics would be an example. Helping a youngster with these skills contributes powerfully to Body Self.

Social Self reflects a youngster’s comfort in being around and interacting with others. Like any other skill, it can be developed. Consider also how Social Self is critical to self-soothing. If a youngster is socially adept enough to ask other for help or assistance, they are getting the soothing they seek.

Cogntive Self is closely tied to self-soothing. It’s the ability to use skills of thinking and accumulated knowledge to solve problems and issues. A child who is failing in school is experiencing a major problem with Cognitive Self. Helping a child with homework or finding for them a good tutor address Cognitive Self. The practice of commenting on a youngster’s good decision making addresses Cognitive Self and encourages the child to keep up the effort.  A child with a stronger Cognitive Self finds it easier to self-soothe.

All four of these, Self Esteem, Body Self, Social Self and Cognitive Self are all inter-related. When we improve a youngster’s capacity in one or more of them, the whole Self Concept receives a boost. When that happens, improved skills of self-soothing follow “automatically”.

(To read about my informative 73 page e-book, Improving a Youngster’s Self-Esteem, click here. It gets into much more detail on the subject.)

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James Sutton, Psychologist                     www.docspeak.com

Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Five)

The information in this serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Five)

Falling Back on Reminders

It’s a general practice of adults to evaluate present events and circumstances against past experiences. There’s a high-water mark for joy, sorrow, fear and all emotional states, and chances are good that the high-water mark is NOT what’s happening right now. (If it is, then you have a higher “mark” for evaluating future events and circumstances.) In other words, we’ve had higher highs and lower lows and have survived them.

The act of considering a current experience against an extreme mark for that same sort of experience can be a soothing reflection for older children. They’ve been around long enough to make a few deposits and withdrawals from their “bank” of experiences. Younger children have more difficulty making these comparisons because of fewer experiences, but the same concepts works still apply.

Here are some reframing statements a youngter can make as another way of soothing themselves:

“Hey, I know I’ve handled stuff tougher than this before.”

“This isn’t really as bad as it looked at first.”

“I can handle this because I’ve handled worse.”

“I’m up to the challenge this time.”

“You know, there’s really no need for me to turn this into World War III.” 

Watch for Part Six (final): “Automatic” Soothing

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James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com