How to Praise a Difficult Child

As a parent, have you ever tried to compliment your difficult child, only to have it turn into an argument or fight? (ODD kids especially are good at trying to analyze your motive or drag you into a conflict on their turf: words.) If so, here’s a little strategy that is very effective because … well, because after the compliment you’ll disappear! (It’s quite difficult to argue with someone who isn’t there.)

There are two components to pulling off this intervention. First, you’ll need a pre-planned, quick exit. Second, you’ll need an argument-resistant compliment or expression of thanks, something that can be objectively verified. (“Thank you for being nice today” is not an objective statement and, with some youngsters, it can turn into a noose around your neck. “I noticed you put the lawnmower back in the garage” would be objective and verifiable.)

Here’s an example of a father speaking to his teenage daughter as he is standing at the front door, car keys in hand:
 

Oh, Terri, I wanted to tell you something. I’m headed to the store to get some whipped cream for dinner, but I didn’t want to neglect to mention this. It’s important. Every day this week you’ve gotten out your homework and attended to it without your mother or I needing to remind you at all. That’s wonderful, Terri. Thanks. Gotta go.

And he leaves quickly, before there’s even an opportunity for Terri to say anything.

Now, if she really wants to say, “Thanks, Dad, thanks for noticing,” she can say it when Dad returns. It’s up to her, but there’s no need for an obligatory response on her part, nor is there an opening for her to whip up an argument or “attitude.” The good stuff happens in the silence as Dad is driving to the store.

The beginnings of positive change don’t make any sound at all.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

A Father’s Day Tribute, 2009

Here’s a YouTube upload of a song I wrote following the loss of my father, Fred Sutton, in 1998. The lyrics of it are in an earlier Father’s Day post on this site. This posting is my Father’s Day, 2009, tribute to him. More than that, it’s for all the fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers that have lovingly guided our lives in so many ways.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks for always being there for me.

James Sutton, Psychologist www.docspeak.com

Best Wishes, Alyssa

The front page of the San Antonio Express-News captured my attention this morning. It was a huge photograph of St. Mary’s University sophomore, Alyssa Trevino and her mother, Edna, fullfilling a longstanding wish to meet the pope. (In the photo, he seems as delighted as she is.)

Alyssa, a native of Harlingen, Texas,  is 19, but six years ago, she had open-heart surgery. The Rio Grande chaper of the Make-A-Wish Foundation sent Alyssa and her mother to the Vatican for this memorable moment.

But there’s more. Alyssa is currently majoring in biology, with plans to become a pediatric cardiologist. Something tells me she’s going to make it.

We live in a time when young people collect a lot of bad press. Some of it’s their fault, some not. But is refreshing to reflect on the fact that there are plenty of good kids out there.

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

Thoughts on D-Day, 65 Years Later

Precious few of those who survived the invasion of Normandy and eventually broke the back of the Nazi regime are still with us. It’s been 65 years.

Their sacrifice and their unfaltering resolve stood in the gap at a time when the Allies were assured of nothing. I don’t know if there was a back-up plan to the invasion, but I doubt it. Had the invasion failed, our world would be much  different today.

The decision to invade the beaches and thrust through France and eventually onto German soil had to be sheer agony  for Allied Supreme Commander General Eisenhower. He was aware of the cost. I’m sure that, as he looked into the faces of the men of the 101st Airborne as they were preparing to be dropped behind enemy lines as a component of the plan, he knew full well a good many of these soldier would ever see their families and loved ones again.

But mostly, it was not the generals, but rather the privates, corporals and seamen whose resolve made the defining difference. They weren’t fighting for glory; they were fighting for absolutely everything they held dear. 

We could use a little of that sort of resolve today.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist     www.docspeak.com

Why Kids STAY Angry

Anger in children and adolescents is one of the toughest behavioral issues to manage. This is partly because the expression of anger “feeds” the next angry outburst. In other words, angry behavior is self-reinforcing because of the “benefits” it creates for the individual. Consequences alone usually don’t slow down the angry youngster much at all. Nationally recognized psychologist and author, Dr. James Sutton, explains the issues of anger in young people, why they are so difficult to address, and how we can better address the needs of the angry child or adolescent.

It might take a moment for this video to load. Here’s a link of this video you can email: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ls_A9zaV3s4

James Sutton, Psychologist www.docspeak.com

Dealing with Difficult Behavior in Children

WHY IS THIS? Here’s an excellent and insightful email response to the April newsletter:  

From your last newsletter, it sounds like, in cases like this, there’s no remedy to solve the problems of oppositional children. (It leads one to believe that) defiance is just basic human instinct, to give a negative charge to what the other person wants the outcome to be.

 

 

I believe that, in milder forms of defiant behavior, this can be exactly the case. This is especially true in good kids who pull their load at school, make decent grades, have friends and, in general, function pretty well. There are dispositional traits to defiance that might make a youngster a prime candidate for the debate team … even a winning debater. They are geared to take issue with just about everything, and once in awhile they’re even right.

 

Problems surface when a youngster’s behaviors create short and long-term serious damage, especially to self. (In fact, the DSM diagnosis of ODD notes this.) Failure in school, alienation of friends and relationships, self-medication with drugs, alcohol and sex (and other self-effacing behaviors) and progression into full-blown mental illness are unacceptable to anyone who cares about this child or adolescent. “Remedy” is a pretty strong word for mental health professionals, but here’s how I would encourage parents to approach the behaviors of a child that are more than just a “difficult phase:”

 

1. Don’t throw gasoline on the fire. Too often, the energy of our response to inappropriate behavior further “feeds” what we don’t want. It can tell the youngster just exactly how effective the rotten behavior was (especially when it’s written all over our face).

 

2. Discern, if you can, the child’s “self” message. Some kids beat themselves up with their behaviors because they see themselves as “bad” or unacceptable in some way. These youngsters usually have difficulty with peers, also. Even when they desperately want a friend, they’re apt to destroy the relationship. Young children keep peers at a distance (because they can’t handle them up close) with behaviors that don’t make much sense, but they work. Older kids are a bit more sophisticated in the behaviors, but the message is the same: “Don’t get too close, because you won’t like what you’ll find.” (My 72-page e-book, Improving a Child’s Self-Esteem, has a five-part evaluation for assessing components of self-concept, along with suggestions for addressing areas of concern. This guide is not a panacea, but it does offer real help, especially with younger children. For more information on it, CLICK HERE.)

 

Haim Ginot in his marvelous classic, Between Parent and Child, tells the story of a parent taking a three-year-old to a day-care facility for the first time. The boy looks around the room and shouts, “Who drew all these ugly pictures?” The parent, aghast at the lad’s behavior, started to correct him. The day-care director immediately intervened, saying to the boy, “Here you’re allowed to draw pictures however you want to.” She had correctly interpreted and addressed the boy’s “self” message: “What happens around here to a kid who doesn’t draw very well?”

 

3. Work on the “self” message as much as you work on behaviors: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, one popular intervention,operateson a simple premise: “Our core beliefs are displayed in our behavior.” As core beliefs change, so does behavior, although the textbooks fail to mention that it’s more difficult to put into practice what’s simple to put into a paragraph. (This is precisely why I’m not a big proponent of behavior modification and the use of rewards to change behavior. These measures have their merit, but they don’t address core beliefs much at all.)  

 

Although professional help might be in order, I don’t believe parents are powerless to create lasting and positive change. We will continue to address this issue in future (free) installments of the ODD Management Digest.

ODD, Gifted … and Difficult

WHY IS THIS? Here’s an interesting question that came by email:

My 13-year-old daughter is both ODD and gifted. She was failing math in school. We made a deal that, if she would bring up the math grades, I would buy her a certain jacket she is crazy about. Bottom line: she failed. I don’t understand it. She WANTED that jacket.

 

This is a common problem. I call it a “dynamic” issue because a lot is going on below the surface. We’re assuming that the jacket is a sufficient goal for the girl, and that she really wants it. If both of those conditions are met, why does she keep failing when she clearly can do better? Consider two reasons:

1. Tangibles don’t necessarily outweigh intangibles. The jacket is a tangible. You can see it, touch it, and wear it. But the visible frustration on the faces and the escalating blood pressure of the parents is a powerful payoff also. The message from the girl could be: “I’ll lose the jacket, but I’ll win this battle.” Another payoff is she doesn’t have to do any math. I’ve seen youngsters offered money (a lot of it) and even a four-wheeler if they’d bring grades up to passing, yet they deliberately failed. This “Gotcha Game” has high stakes.

2. Defiant behavior has an addictive quality. I honestly believe many youngsters are drawn into defiant behavior because of the “rush” they get from the outcomes, especially when those outcomes reinforce the behaviors. Just about every child and adolescent will tell you they don’t like having their parents upset with them, but that doesn’t mean the defiant behaviors are going to stop.

Okay, so how do we use incentives and make them work for us?

1. Make certain you don’t flinch. The youngster is expecting the adult to get upset when they are again defiant, or when their behavior causes them to lose an incentive the parents really wanted them to have. No parent wants to see a plan fail, but it’s important that their frustration doesn’t register with the youngster. Bottom line: Be as upset as you need to be, but not in front of, or in earshot, of the child.

2. Don’t talk too much. Most young people believe adults talk non-stop. After a point, they tune it out.

3. Let the youngster write up the “deal.” If you set up an incentive as a reward for specific accomplishment (such as better grades), have the child put all the particulars down in her own handwriting. Everyone signs it and gets a copy.

4. Have incremental action items for the youngster. Using the example shared in the mother’s comments, let’s say there’s three weeks until the end of the reporting period for grades. The girl will present her parents with a “coupon” for the jacket at the successful conclusion of three weeks. At the end of the first week of the incentive she receives one third of the coupon from her parents, but she has to show documented effort at bringing up the grades, and she has to ask for it. The same goes for the second and third piece of the jacket coupon. When she can tape together the three pieces and give the coupon to her parents, the jacket is hers. If she doesn’t ask for any of the pieces, NOTHING is said about it. She’ll learn quickly enough.

James Sutton, Psychologist      www.docspeak.com

This post comes from the April, 2009 edition of the free online publication, the ODD Management Digest.  To subscribe for free, CLICK HERE.

Listen to What’s NOT Being Said

“LISTEN TO WHAT’S NOT BEING SAID” Much defiant and difficult behavior in children and adolescents comes from their reactions to circumstances and situations in their lives. The burden cast on parents to play the guessing games happens when youngsters, for whatever reason, don’t talk about it. They often suffer through, with their behavior being the expression of that suffering.

Although there can be many reasons why youngsters don’t talk about what troubles them, three reasons cover most of the bases:

1. They don’t know HOW to talk about it.

2. They are afraid that expressing themselves and how they feel will only get them into yet MORE trouble.

3. They feel that talking about their troubles only makes them bigger.

 

By way of an example, let me share about a time when I was convinced I had only a few days to live. I was nine years old.

It’s not difficult for a few third-grade boys to get into trouble. One day we played war at the pencil sharpener, sword fighting with freshly sharpened pencils. I was stabbed in my right hand. The lead broke off, leaving a good-sized chunk of the point in my palm.

“Too bad,” one of my friends lamented. “That’s lead in your hand. You’re going to get lead poisoning … and DIE.” The other boys concurred with his diagnosis. I was terrified. (To be totally accurate, I had been wounded by graphite, not lead. But just try to figure that out while your friends are dividing up your stuff.)

I wasn’t certain they were right, but I was certain that I didn’t want to tell my teacher or the school nurse about it. I wasn’t up to hearing an adult confirm what the boys had told me.

I just suffered in silence until it was time to go home.

Eventually, I knew I had to tell my parents. I remember watching my father one evening before supper, wondering just how I would tell him his only son was dying. The poor man was trying to read the paper when I blubbered out the whole story.

Dad didn’t tell me my fear was silly or foolish. He validated it, and then promised he had something that would fix the whole thing. He went to the bathroom medicine cabinet and came back with a small bottle of what he called Monkey Blood. He wisely told me this cure would hurt, but that the pain would be a sure sign the medicine was working. He then dumped half the bottle into the palm of my hand.

I was never so grateful to feel pain (a lot of it). I was going to LIVE! I still carry a small graphite tattoo deep in the palm of my right hand, a reminder to be a bit more understanding of the fear and concern of another human being.

This story is about fear; other stories are about anger. Depending on the circumstances (and it seems families today have plenty of them), a youngster can “stew” in an issue months before behaviors surface. Encouraging a son or daughter to talk about it is critical to managing the behavior effectively. Here are a few suggestions for accomplishing just that:

1. Always try to exercise patience. We live in a society that wants instant cures and instant answers, but haste will cripple communication.

2. Let the youngster know that talking with you about their problems doesn’t make them larger and unmanageable; it brings additional resources for dealing with them.

3. Realize that some youngsters have trouble handling direct questions when they are scared or upset.  “Why did you do THAT?” will bring few, if any, answers you can use. Instead, focus on finding the issue by offering a small “menu.” Here’s an example of a simple two-part menu:

When you screamed at your mother earlier, were you really angry at her, or were you still upset that Grandma is in Intensive Care?

Parents are pretty intuitive, they can generally get very close to the issues and open the door to discussion.

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

(Pages 69-72 of my book, What Parents Need to Know about ODD, outline a process I call “Good Faith” Confrontation. Over the years it has worked well when parents follow the steps. It’s an approach that gets dialog going quickly and focuses on both the issues and the relationships.)

   (You’ll find more great ideas for parents in Dr. Sutton’s book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD(Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). Click on the title for more information and to order. This great resource also is available in ebook (pdf) format at a reduced cost. For specifics on the ebook and for the option of immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

Why ODD Doesn’t Qualify for Special Ed

WHY DOESN’T MY CHILD QUALIFY? This mother put into her question the frustration experienced by a lot of parents:
My ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) child’s behavior is causing her to fail in school, yet I was told she does NOT qualify for Special Education assistance. How can this be?

Strict application of Special Education guidelines specify that only emotionally disabled youngsters can be eligible for placement and services in Special Education. Youngsters with behavioral disorders (and ODD is considered a behavioral disorder) technically do not qualify for these services.

Frankly, this loophole is as loose or as tight as one wants to make it. There might be a number of options, but these two are the primary ones:

1. Experts agree that ODD rarely occurs by itself; it’s generally accompanied by conditions like low frustration tolerance, poor impulse control and even depression. Since depression or issues with impulse control (both emotional conditions) may not be addressed at all in the acting out youngster, the child could be denied those services she could qualify for easily. Only a good assessment can identify and quantify emotionality for certain. Although there appears to be little difference between diagnosis of the same child as “ODD with features of depression” or “Depression with features of oppositionality and defiance” one will qualify the child for Special Education assistance, while the other won’t. Wording makes a difference.

2. Current guidelines stipulate that a student failing in school should receive intervention that starts in the classroom and, if necessary, moves up in “tiers,” a hierarchy sometimes called the Pyramid of Intervention. This intervention is documented in a file that can be reviewed. Good, effective intervention often addresses the behavior and the issues with no need for a Special Education referral at all.

James Sutton, Psychologist www.docspeak.com

Behavior As An Attempt to “Fix” Problems

BEHAVIOR AS AN ATTEMPT TO “FIX” PROBLEMS:  The behaviors of young people, what they DO, can be one of the best indicators of what’s going on inside of them. More often that we realize, their behaviors are an attempt to “fix” issues and situations in their lives.  Reading this behavior is not especially difficult, but it takes a little practice.

A boy is fearful his parents will divorce. How does he stop them? I’ve seen youngsters find their way into so much trouble at school their parents had to come to together to deal with it.

Now that’s an interesting dynamic. As long as the boy is in trouble, Mom and Dad are actually communicating and working together on something involving their son. And, as long as they are working together, they are together. With that kind of payoff, how do you propose to stop the lad’s behavior?

Here’s another example. I had the opportunity some time back to work with a high-school girl from a single-parent family. (Her mother had died of pancreatic cancer, one enormous and unaddressed source of the girl’s depression and anger.) Dad work had him on the road all the time. The girl felt she essentially had lost both of her parents.

She found an effective way to get her father off the road. She began failing in school. It worked! Dad had countless meetings with her teachers, and he begged her to bring up her grades. Clearly capable of passing, she failed the ninth grade. In fact, since Dad was a slow learner, she failed it three times.

In both of these examples the youngsters considered the consequences of their behavior preferable to letting the problem continue. As obvious as these two examples appear, they were not obvious to the folks in the middle of them. Effective intervention, therefore, should recognize the problem the behavior is trying to “fix,” then address both it and the behavior.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

 

   (You’ll find more great ideas for parents in Dr. Sutton’s book, What Parents Need to Know About ODD(Friendly Oaks Publications, 2007). Click on the title for more information and to order. This great resource also is available in ebook (pdf) format at a reduced cost. For specifics on the ebook and for the option of immediate download, CLICK HERE.)

Duane with No Brain

When it comes to young people, we’re are often confronted with challenges that seem to have neither reason nor solution. Perhaps this story will help reinforce the notion that youngsters don’t always tell us where it hurts. That’s when we need to listen to the behaviors.

I was a school psychologist working with a fifth grader. Let’s call him Duane. The boy had a brain tumor and, fortunately, it was benign. The tumor was removed and he healed quickly and completely … physically.

Academically, however, it was a different story. Duane was a solid and capable student before his surgery. After the surgery, he began failing everything. Everyone was puzzled; there was no reason why he should have difficulty. Doctors assured the school and Duane’s folks that the boy should be able to do everything he could do before the surgery, only better. I was assigned to work with Duane and (hopefully) arrive at a solution to the problem.

Duane was your proverbial “good kid,” a polite and respectful young man, the sort of youngster you wouldn’t mind taking home with you. The testing I administered didn’t point to any issues that would account for his present difficulty. In short, I was stumped, also.

Then it hit me. Could it be?

I couldn’t wait to get back to the school the next day and pull Duane out of class.

“Duane, when you had the surgery …”

“Yes sir?” he responded.

“Did you think they removed your brain?”

“Yes sir.”

“Your WHOLE brain, Duane?”

“Yes, sir. Didn’t they?”

“No, Duane. They just took out the tumor. Your brain is still there, better than ever.”

“Really, sir?”

“Absolutely! You shouldn’t have any more trouble with it.”

And he didn’t it. Duane was instantly happier and his grades shot up in a matter of hours.

I wish all the problems I encountered could have worked out like Duane. Even today, however, I’m always on alert for the fears and concerns youngsters are NOT talking about.

James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

My Dancing “Elf” Grandkids

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ALL!

Here’s an antimated elf  movie of our grandchildren:

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/f4Fg1fNryh6szGHU

James Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

Defiant Children: Why Some Interventions DON’T Work

This post is taken from my December issue of the ODD Management Digest (click here to subscribe). It poses an interesting question.

It’s happened to all of us, hasn’t it. We implement a new intervention we have learned … and it falls FLAT! It not only fails, it flops miserably. Why?

A 9th-grade teacher tried Karen Ledet’s idea from the November issue of the ODD Management Digest and emailed the following concern (essentially, Karen, a teacher in Vernon, Florida, posed a really simple, but powerful idea: to provide a desk separated from the others for any youngster who just wants more “space” when they do their classwork):

  I tried the “Privacy Desk” technique with one student, but he does not like it because he says I am isolating him. I would appreciate your advice.

Obviously this would not be a strategy to use with a student who considers it a punitive measure. I might isolate a student as a disciplinary measure, but that would be a different intervention entirely.

As I see it, and as Karen explained it, the benefit of the “Privacy Desk” is that it runs mostly on automatic pilot. Students who feel they need a bit more space from others can use the “isolated” desk. There are those times when some youngsters WANT to be alone in a crowded classroom.

This teacher’s concern is both valid and real; I’ve definitely “been there; done that.” The whole issue brings up the importance of the role of perception in determining exactly HOW a student will handle an intervention.

An example. I once provided counseling services in a small school district in southeast Texas. I was only there once a month, but I quickly got to know most of the students. They would come up to me in the hall and ask me if I would sit next to them at lunch. To them, it was a big thing.

But consider the youngster who cannot behave or keep his hands to himself. The teacher tell him he will sit with her at lunch, and will not be going outside with the others for lunch recess. That kid HATES it. The same behavior, sitting with the teacher or counselor at lunch, can be Heaven or Hell to a child depending on how it is ”packaged.”

A youngster’s perception of an intervention is a key ingredient to its success. 

 

James Sutton, Psychologist         www.docspeak.com

Thoughts on Five Kernels of Corn

The story on this blogsite, Five Kernels of Corn, The Thanksgiving Story, originally goes back to William Bradford’s personal account of the Pilgrims’ early experiences in this country. I have never read Bradford’s account, only excerpts of it from Marshall and Manuel’s inspiring book, The Light and the Glory (Fleming H. Revell, 1977). I included it as a story of faith in a publication of my own.

There are those who have said the story is not true. I cannot guarantee that it is, but I have read Manuel and Marshall’s book twice, and am amazed at the research and the multiple references that went into their work. Nothing careless there that I could see. 

One reason for debunking the story is that five kernels of corn have no nutritional value. They could not sustain life. Maybe so, but faith and hope have no nutritional value, but both are powerful sustainers of life.

(Speaking of nutritional value, Manuel and Marshall describe how some of the early Jamestown settlers became so hungry they boiled and ate the leather hinges off boxes and trunks. Not much nutritional value there either but, if it’s all you have, it’s all you have.)   

Personally, I believe the story is one of simple faith, a willingness to put one’s total self and soul into the hands of the Creator of it all. After all, what is left when your back is to the wall, and your stomach is rubbing against your backbone?

The Pilgrims didn’t have the luxury of a government bailout plan. They stayed with the faith that brought them here.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

(If you know of anyone who struggles sometimes with their children, please tell them about my free ebooklet, Resolving Conflicts with Your Children. They can download it through my free monthly email publication, the ODD [Oppositional Defiant Disorder] Mangement Digest. The link for it is on the right. It is a great resource for educators, counselors and parents.)

 

James Sutton, Psychologist

Can Gifted and Talented Youngsters be ODD?

Here is one of a number of articles from the November edition of the free, monthly publication, the ODD Management Digest. This newsletter is dedicated specifically to those who parent, teacher or counsel youngsters described as oppositional and defiant (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). The question answered this month dealt with defiant behavior in Gifted & Talented children and adolescents. Note: For a free subscription to the ODD Management Digest, CLICK HERE. –James Sutton, EdD, Psychologist (author of the award-winning book, If My Kid’s So Nice, Why’s He Driving ME Crazy?)

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Can Gifted & Talented youngsters also be ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?

Absolutely! My Gifted & Talented (but not ODD) friend in Virginia, Dr. Doug Riley (author of The Defiant Child), tells us that most ODD youngsters feel they are the EQUAL of the adults in their struggles. (Although that’s a fairly arrogant perspective, “arrogant” is another descriptor for many ODD kids.) G&T youngsters certainly can crank it up a few notches and take defiance to a whole new creative level. They don’t feel EQUAL; they feel SUPERIOR in the conflict. (I guess we could call that arrogance on steroids.) They are crafty at planning outcomes THEY are almost guaranteed to win.

Gifted & Talented kids are experts at knowing how to win by LOSING. They might be failing in school, but they can stir up a meeting that last for hours (that’s a LOT of power for a youngster). Threats don’t work, as evidenced by the “I win!” grin on this kid’s face when they push the adult to deliver a consequence that sends blood pressure off the chart and, likely as not, ends up being a mass inconvenience. Rewards don’t fair much better if the biggest “goodie” is frustrating the adults in their lives. And these kids know how to do it. Heck, they could TEACH it!

Fair enough, but what do we DO with these youngsters?

 I would start by addressing the youngster’s behavior in two phases:

1. I’d attempt to determine what the payoff for the inappropriate behavior would be, they find a way NOT to pay it.

2. I’d look and see if there are other addressable issues at the core of the defiance.

Since it’s not my intent to write a book chapter here, let me just hit a couple of highlights on these two phases. First of all, if I felt the youngster’s intent was to delight in frustrating me, I’d back out of the conflict. Within the classroom setting, for instance, I’d put this child on an assignment in a small group with just two other (compliant) classmates. The kid can’t hide, because three minus one leaves a hole anyone would notice. Also, the defiance toward the teacher has stopped (at least temporarily), and youngsters tend to be less defiant toward peers, especially if  the groups are changed regularly. It would also be more difficult for this kid to trash a reward  or benefit that was earned by the group.    

And, yes, there can issues the core of the defiance. These issues are often not addressed because the BEHAVIOR is the focus of treatment. This can often make the child even angrier and more difficult, and the brigher the child, the more angry and difficult the behavior.

Depression is not unusual. In fact, some research back in 1993 indicated that approximately 50% of youngsters diagnosed as Oppositional Defiant Disorder could also have been diagnosed as depressed. If the depression goes untreated, behavior usually worsens. If it is treated, there can be a breakthrough in behavior. This is why a good psychological assessment is so important.

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Different Looks; Same Focus

I just returned from a great trip to Canada, Alberta to be exact. I flew into Calgary to do some training for the Alberta Teachers Association, an absolutely top-shelf organization. The conference was held at the Delta Lodge at Kananaskis, in the Canadian Rockies near the site of the Calgary Winter Olympics.

In speaking with teachers there, I learned something about tolerance for cold weather. I made the comment that, at some point, minus 40 degrees (common in the area) wouldn’t seem much colder than minus 20.

I was IMMEDIATELY corrected on that one.

“Those 20 degrees make a HUGE difference,” I was informed. “We can let the children play outside when it’s minus 20, but not when it’s minus 40.”

“REALLY?” I exclaimed. Where I’m from in south Texas, there might be some folks who wouldn’t let their children play outside when it’s 40 degrees ABOVE zero. But, of course, kids play outside ALL the time in 100+ degree weather.”

“How could that be?” someone said. “It would be like an oven!” How could you possibly bear to be outdoors in any temperatures above 90?”

Interesting, huh? It’s all a matter of HOW and WHERE you grew up. The human body is a pretty resilient organism.

We DID agree on the fact that today, more than ever, parents and teachers need to step up to the plate and love, affirm, guide and educate their children to experience and master not only the temperature, but all the “climates” they will encounter in this ever-changing and evolving world.

And that will remain constant whether you live in Pleasanton, Texas (USA), Calgary, Alberta (Canada), or any place else. 

 

James Sutton, EdD Psychologist        www.docspeak.com

A Familiar Strain Might Ease the Pain

As a psychologist, I was always taught to work with patients where THEY were, which included helping them with their emotional/behavioral baggage without loading them up with mine. That’s not a bad precept.

One of the toughest areas involves spirituality and religion because this aspect of faith can build (hope) or tear down (shame). People have been both supported and damaged by religion for eons. “Tread carefully” is the therapeutic message.

I had a patient, and elderly gentleman, who proudly professed to be a born-again Christian. The probelm was he ruminated on every mistake he ever made in his life. He beat himself up continously. It was painful to watch him do it.

One day he sank in his wheelchair and dropped his head as he mumbled against himself. On a whim, I reached back and started singing the first hymn a young child learns:

“Jesus love me, this I know …”

He started singing with me as he slowly lifted his head. Tears were streaming down his face, but he was smiling for the first time in months. We finished the song; he said: “Sing it again.”

We did.

You know, I’m not suggesting that I initiated any miracle here, the “lift” it provided for him was temporary, I’m sure. But it made a difference to him in THAT moment.

Sometimes a familiar strain might ease the pain … if only for a while. And that’s good news for children of ANY age.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

Adults with ODD?

By far the most popular question coming through my website and email is one that doesn’t even deal with children and adolescents. Regardless of how the questions are stated, they all sound something like this:

Everything I hear and read talks about Oppositional Defiant Disorder in children and adolescents. What about ADULTS? Is there an adult ODD?

Odd is classified as a condition of childhood and adolescence according to the current edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), as published by the American Psychiatric Association. When a youngster reaches 18, he or she moves out of ODD and into the adult classification system. If the adult’s behavior is serious enough, they might be classified according to a group of diagnoses called “personality disorders.” At one time there was a classification called Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, but it is no longer being used. One theory on it being discontinued was that all personality disorders contain some passive-aggressive (oppositional and defiant) behaviors.

Okay, what constitutes “serious enough?” 

Maladaptive behaviors are serious enough when the adult cannot maintain employment or constantly moves from job to job, has trouble with significant other relationships (possible multiple divorces), or has a strong dependence on alcohol, substances or negative habits.

Although we’re talking about adults here, young people can engage in similar behaviors when they have trouble in school, have difficulty making and keeping friends, and rely on fancy toys or video games to synthetically alter their mood.

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This piece is from the October edition of the ODD Management Digest by Dr. Sutton. For a FREE email subscription, click here.

James D. Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

 

Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Six-Final)

The information in this serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Six-Final)

“Automatic” Soothing

The capacity for a youngster to self-soothe is directly related to that child’s concept of themself. This concept is Self Concept, and the youngster’s evaluation of it makes up Self Esteem. When a youngster improves or gains in Self Concept, his ability to self-soothe improves also; they move together. It makes sense then that efforts at improving Self Concept would “automatically” boost skills of self-soothing.

In addition to Self Esteem, there are three other components to Self Concept: Body Self, Social Self and Cognitive Self. It’s not at all unusual for a youngster to struggle with one or more of these. Here’s where we can help.

Body Self relates to how a youngster views her physical appearance and presence in comparison to peers. Although we can’t always change every aspect of how our children look, the best appearance or correction possible is important, whether it be clothing, braces, eyeglasses or any number of things that enhance appearance and a sense of physical wholeness and functionality. In other instances, Body Self might be related to physical skills and abilities. Sports and athletics would be an example. Helping a youngster with these skills contributes powerfully to Body Self.

Social Self reflects a youngster’s comfort in being around and interacting with others. Like any other skill, it can be developed. Consider also how Social Self is critical to self-soothing. If a youngster is socially adept enough to ask other for help or assistance, they are getting the soothing they seek.

Cogntive Self is closely tied to self-soothing. It’s the ability to use skills of thinking and accumulated knowledge to solve problems and issues. A child who is failing in school is experiencing a major problem with Cognitive Self. Helping a child with homework or finding for them a good tutor address Cognitive Self. The practice of commenting on a youngster’s good decision making addresses Cognitive Self and encourages the child to keep up the effort.  A child with a stronger Cognitive Self finds it easier to self-soothe.

All four of these, Self Esteem, Body Self, Social Self and Cognitive Self are all inter-related. When we improve a youngster’s capacity in one or more of them, the whole Self Concept receives a boost. When that happens, improved skills of self-soothing follow “automatically”.

(To read about my informative 73 page e-book, Improving a Youngster’s Self-Esteem, click here. It gets into much more detail on the subject.)

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James Sutton, Psychologist                     www.docspeak.com

Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Five)

The information in this serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Five)

Falling Back on Reminders

It’s a general practice of adults to evaluate present events and circumstances against past experiences. There’s a high-water mark for joy, sorrow, fear and all emotional states, and chances are good that the high-water mark is NOT what’s happening right now. (If it is, then you have a higher “mark” for evaluating future events and circumstances.) In other words, we’ve had higher highs and lower lows and have survived them.

The act of considering a current experience against an extreme mark for that same sort of experience can be a soothing reflection for older children. They’ve been around long enough to make a few deposits and withdrawals from their “bank” of experiences. Younger children have more difficulty making these comparisons because of fewer experiences, but the same concepts works still apply.

Here are some reframing statements a youngter can make as another way of soothing themselves:

“Hey, I know I’ve handled stuff tougher than this before.”

“This isn’t really as bad as it looked at first.”

“I can handle this because I’ve handled worse.”

“I’m up to the challenge this time.”

“You know, there’s really no need for me to turn this into World War III.” 

Watch for Part Six (final): “Automatic” Soothing

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James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part Four)

The information in this serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-Soothe (Part Four)

Address the Physical Cues

Youngsters in deep emotional tormoil can’t put off being soothed, nor should they. But if they experience a temporary difficulty they should learn how to tolerate and manage, a focus on changing physical cues can be helpful.

All emotional distress comes with physical cues, specific elements of fear and tension that work on the body. These can be changed. The better the capacity to change physical cues in times of stress, the better the ability to self-soothe.

A child who recognizes that her body is getting tense, for instance, can to focus specifically on making her body relax some.

A child who is not breathing well can focus on breathing, perhaps even use the Breath the Square activity. 

A child who is tense and standing can sit down. A child who is tense and sitting can stand up.

A child who is tense and dry-mouthed might drink a glass of water slowly.

The important thing to addressing physical cues is not what youngsters do to alter physical cues of fear and distress, but that they DO something. It is an option of empowerment. These simple actions might not change the circumstances that caused the distress, but they do focus on something youngsters CAN control, however small it might be.

Watch for Part Four: Fall Back on Reminders

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James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part Three)

The information in this serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part Three)

Make a Soothing “Appointment”

Good school counselors know there’s a thin line between being an emotional resource to a child and being a too-available crutch. (Therapists have the same concerns with adult patients.) The “fix” for the too-available problem is for the counselor to offer incentive, praise and reinforcement to a youngster for NOT coming to them between scheduled visits.

When the child or adolescent is encouraged to “save up” their troubles and bring them to the regularly scheduled appointment, they are stresing self-soothing. The counselor is encouraging that youngster to make an attempt to get through an uncomfortable situation as best they can on their own steam, then share about it later.

Of course, it’s important for the counselor to encourage the youngster to continue to use and expand this skill.

Parents and caregivers can accomplish much the same thing. It’s critical, however, that a specific and predetermined time, the “appointment,” be established for sharing. If this isn’t done, the whole process comes across sounding like, “Just deal with it and don’t bother me about it … EVER!”

Keep the appointments.

Watch for Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part Four): Address the Physical Cues

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Dr. James D. Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com

Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part Two)

The information in the serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part Two)

Breathing on the Square

When individuals are under stress, their breathing is affected because they are emotionally preparing to run or fight. They are gasping and panting, not breathing. Consequently, much needed oxygen doesn’t get to the brain as it should. It’s a rapid recipe for things getting worse, not better.

Here’s an activity that was shared by a teacher in Tennessee. She used it with her students just before they were to take an important test. She instructed her class to do the following in four-second intervals.

1. Breathe in slowly

2. Hold that breath

3. Breathe out slowly

4. Pause before starting over

The whole “square” takes 16 seconds. If a youngster does this correctly, the gasping and panting have to stop. Systematic breathing brings in oxygen and a sense of order and control … all positive benefits.

It’s not difficult to create a model of a square with four segments to each side as a visual. It can be drawn on a piece of paper or it can be drawn on the floor. Another idea would be to use something like square stepping stones and have the youngsters actually move through the square as they preform the breathing.

Consider an additional benefit. This breathing intervention provides a sense of focus. For 16 seconds the youngster’s mind and focus (hopefully) is on completing the square. This can greatly reduce impulsive behavior. If the child breathes the square a dozen times without stopping, she’s gone more than three minutes on the soothing she’s provided for herself. More importantly, consider the possibilities of what all didn’t hapen while she was breathing the square.

What value can you put on disasters that DON’T happen?

The next step would be to encourage youngsters to do this on their own, to use Breathing on the Square as a resource they can call on to soothe themselves. Give it to them as an assignment, to try it and report back to you later.

Okay, a youngster walking four-second turns in a mall or supermarket might be a tad conspicious. It’s really just as easy to walk and breathe the square in a straight line. The strategy and the benefits are the same.

(Watch for Part Three: A Soothing “Appointment”) 

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James D. Sutton, Psychologist         www.docspeak.com  

Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part One)

The information in the serial posting comes from psychologist Dr. James Sutton’s current work-in-progress, The Changing Behavior Book: a fresh approach to the difficult child. One of the chapters is on teaching troubled youngsters the skills of soothing themselves in times of difficulty. To read Dr. Sutton’s comments on this new book (which will also be available in e-book format), including a description of its 20 chapters, click here.

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Helping a Troubled Child Self-soothe (Part One)

The issue of self-soothing is a huge area of concern, as many youngsters simply cannot soothe themselves adequately in times of stress and difficulty. They rely on others to soothe them, and seek soothing in food, toys, or activities of distraction. (Could today’s concern about childhood obesity be connected to problems with self-soothing?)

These youngsters run the clear risk of carrying their self-soothing deficiencies into adulthood, where the stakes become even higher: broken relationships, bouts of unemployment, and overdependency on pills, alcohol, and whatever new gadget catches their eye today.

Efforts spent on teaching youngsters skills of self-soothing can pay off today … and way into tomorrow.

Tough Shoes to Fill

If you want to get a glimpse of the value of self-soothing, put yourself in this person’s shoes for a moment:

He was shot out of the sky over North Vietnam in the winter of 1966, sustaining serious injuries. The enemy literally tossed him into solitary confinment in a prison that earned the name of “The Hanoi Hilton”. In addition to being sick, cold, hurt and hungry, he was tortured for information and a confession to war crimes. He remained a prisoner there, separated from home and loved ones, for over seven years.

Try our your self-soothing skills on that scenario. This is from the real-life account of my friend, retired Navy Captain Jerry Coffee. (You can read his whole story his his book, Beyond Survival, published by Putnam.) He shares he survived that experience on the strength of his spiritual faith and the relationships he had built in his life. They continually helped him affirm and reaffirm to himself that he was MUCH more than the painful experiences of the moment. In fact, he’s quick to credit high school literature teachers for stressing that he memorize poems for class. These classic poems, as well as Bible verses he had memorized, pulled him through some incredibly tough times. Jerry is gracious to share that he was not at all unique; many folks could have done the same.

Young children, however, don’t have a deep well of experiences from which to draw soothing. They often don’t have a reference for knowing that the problem of the moment isn’t a catastrophe, or even that they will survive it. Older children have a better perspective simply because they’ve experienced difficulty in the past and know the world didn’t end there. Still, they sometimes struggle anyway.

Even adults struggle with self-soothing.

A youngster who can’t self-soothe goes into a “Someone PLEASE soothe me” mode, where they turn to relationships, activities, and things to comfort them. Their needs are desperate, and their behaviors match their needs.

Not all young people are this desperate in their need for self-soothing, of course, but most of them can benefit from simple ideas and strategies that focus on self-soothing in times of difficulty.

(watch for Part Two: Breathing on the Square)

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Dr. James Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

“All I Need”

I’m a psychologist who, for over 20 years has worked primarily with children and adolescents. Recently I’ve experienced a partial career shift; now I’m seeing patients in nursing homes. (And, if you really think about it, pediatrics and geriatrics aren’t that far apart, really.)

One of my patients, an 86-year-old blind man gave my heart a tug a few days ago. I asked if he needed anything. He gently reached for my hand and said: “Thank you, but I’m an old man. All I need is a good place to sleep and good food to eat.”

Little did he know that afternoon he was doing therapy on ME.

We could all stand to be at a point in our lives where all the excesses of existence are shed to reveal the core of who we really are … a person who doesn’t really need all that stuff.

Kid’s instinctively know the simple life, although they might not know how to get to it. I think it’s adults who try to add too much to it, but it’s also the adults who can show youngsters how much fun they can have fishing with a cane pole instead of an expensive rod and reel. Actually, they can problably teach them that digging for worms can be the best part of fishing. It’s especially the case if the adult is someone who gives the youngster the one thing kids get very little of from adults in their lives … TIME.

Life was not designed to be complicated. In fact, it’s much too fragile to be complicated. So treasure the small things, like a good place to sleep and good food to eat. 

 

James Sutton, Psychologist  www.docspeak.com

Fourth of July: A Yearn to Churn

Whatever happened to the family traditions, those events that stand out in the memories of children of all ages? Why not build some for yourself and your family.

One of my best Fourth of July memories (and not just the Fourth of July, but summer in general) didn’t even involve fireworks. It involved ice cream … handcranked ice cream, to be specific.

Grandma, Mom and my aunt would mix the ingredients for fantastic vanilla ice cream with just a hint of lemon. Dad and my uncle would get the churn ready. The soon-to-be-made ice cream was poured into the stainless steel inside container, the dasher was set into it, then the top was carefully set down over the container and dasher. After that, Dad and my uncle chipped ice and packed it into the churn, freely mixing in some rock salt as they filled the wooden-bucket part of the churn with ice. They’d pack it to the top, then put the crank on the top of the churn, connecting it to the top of the dasher.

And that’s where I came in. Dad would take a piece of an old blanket and lay it over the ice-packet churn. I sat on top of that folded over blanket to hold the churn in place while the men took turns cranking the ice cream. To this kid it seemed they cranked for hours. They didn’t crank it for hours, but they did crank it long enough for my rear end to get numb as the cold and wet from the melting ice worked its way onto me.

The best part of all this work, of course, was the magical “unveiling” of the finished ice cream. They’d carefully remove the crank, then pull top off the container, and remove the dasher, now covered with lemon-vanilla ice cream. The kids, my sister, my cousins and me, got to take turns licking that dasher.

That still has to be the best way to enjoy homemade ice cream. Pretty awesome stuff!

But the memories are better still.

Have a wonderful Fourth of July.

 

James D. Sutton, Psychologist            www.docspeak.com

“Until Joy Comes Back”

A few years back I was a consulting psychologist to a large childrens’ home in south Texas. One of the caseworkers, Joy, had to go up to the school and bring a girl home because of a behavioral episode at school. (This happened often as these youngsters had been displaced from their homes of origin for various reasons. Many of them were still pretty upset about it.)

Joy, one of the caseworkers, and the staff made it a point that any youngster brought home while school was going on was not going to have a better time at home. She put the girl to work raking and sweeping leaves out in the front of the administration building.

I made a trip up to the admin office and spoke briefly to the girl as I was going inside. She told me Joy had given her that job to do. I returned to the office a couple of hours later, and the girl was still out front, raking and sweeping.

“How long are you supposed to do this?” I asked her, pointing to the good-sized pile of leaves she had raked. 

“UNTIL JOY COMES BACK,” she responded. 

Wow, think of what you could do with that response. In this case she was talking about her caseworker, but the same “until Joy comes back” could be the easiest remedy for the sort of thing that happens with a youngster or an adult who falls into a kind of funk that wants to paralyze them.

Activity helps. By the time we break out of doing nothing and get active in some way, however small, we feel better.

When we decide to DO something, joy might not come rushing back, but perhaps it could be coaxed into taking a “U”-turn.

 

James Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

 

Grocery Store Poppy — Memorial Day, 2008

As a kid growing up in Abilene, Texas, I recall those times with Mom or Dad would come back from the store with a little plastic, red poppy they had received for making a donation to the Veterans of Foreign Wars. That was, of course, the Memorial Day weekend. My father would wear that little poppy on his suit Sunday morning, although it was years before I really understood what the little flower represented, and that the artificial poppies were made by disabled vets.

As I understand it, the significance of the poppy and the rememberance of faithful veterans killed in action goes back to the Great War–World War I, although Memorial Day (which was called Decoration Day at one time) as an event goes back to the Civil War era. When American troups were lost to enemy action and disease in Europe during the Great War, they were buried in Flanders Fields, where they take their rest to this day.

I’ve been told that poppies only grow on soil that’s been broken and turned, as in the preparation and use of a grave. This was the inspiration of one of the greatest poems ever written to the memory and dedication of our uniformed heros past. It was written by John Mcrae in 1915, but it fits today, more than ever:

 

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders Fields

 

Take up our quarrel with the foe;

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies blow

In Flanders Fields

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James D. Sutton, Psychologist    www.docspeak.com

 

  

A Gift of Love

Jim Gentil, my very talented friend in Austin, Texas, sent this piece in a recent newsletter. It’s a great example of just how much we should love and care for our children. I reprint it here with Jim’s permission, and encourage you to visit his website: www.JimGentil.com

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“Can I see my baby?” the happy new mother asked.

When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face, she gasped. The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window. The baby had been born without ears.

Time proved that the baby’s hearing was perfect. It was only his appearance that was marred. When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother’s arms, she sighed, knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks.

He blurted out the tragedy. “A boy, a big boy . . . called me a freak.”

He grew up, handsome for his misfortune. A favorite with his fellow students, he might have been class president, but for that. He developed a gift, a talent for literature and music. “But you might mingle with other young people,” his mother reproved him, but felt a kindness in her heart.
The boy’s father had a session with the family physician. Could nothing be done?  “I believe I could graft on a pair of outer ears, if they could be procured” the doctor decided. Whereupon the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man. Two years went by. Then, “You are going to the hospital, son. Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need. But it’s a secret” said the father.
The operation was a brilliant success, and a new person emerged. His talents blossomed into genius, and school and college became a series of triumphs. Later he married and entered the diplomatic service. “But I must know!” He urged his father. “Who gave so much for me?  I could never do enough for him.”
“I do not believe you could,” said the father, “but the agreement was that you are not to know . . . not yet.”

The years kept their profound secret, but the day did come . . . one of the darkest days that ever pass through a son. He stood with his father over his mother’s casket. Slowly, tenderly, the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick, reddish-brown hair to reveal . . . that the mother had no outer ears.
“Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut,” he whispered gently, “and nobody ever thought mother less beautiful, did they”?
Real beauty lies not in the physical appearance, but in the heart. Real treasure lies not in what that can be seen, but what that cannot be seen. Real love lies not in what is done and known, but in what that is done but not known. 

 

- Author Unknown

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James Sutton, Psychologist       www.docspeak.com

What’s Happening in YOUR House?

Since we as a nation have been struggling with the sub-prime loans crunch, high cost of gasoline and an overall slow-down in the economy, there’s been a lot of talk about the role of government. Is it doing enough? What else can be done?

Good questions all.

I was recently reading Tom Brokow’s latest book, Boom! Voices of The Sixties. In the book he has this quote from Barbara Bush, former First Lady. She said this during a 1990 commencement address at Wellesley College.(Incidentally, 25% of the graduating seniors had signed a petition protesting her appearance.)

Barbara Bush said:

Maybe we should adjust faster; maybe we should adjust slower. But whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: Fathers and mothers, if you have children, they MUST come first. You must read to your children, hug your children, and you must love your children. Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends NOT on what happens in the White House but on what happens inside YOUR house.

I can’t add much to that.

James Sutton, Psychologist   www.docspeak.com