Still Have the Key? The Value of a Child’s Trust

Years ago, my 17-year-old stepped into my office at home and noticed a pair of handcuffs sitting on my desk. He picked them up and gestured, “What are you doing with these?”

I explained I had borrowed them from the sheriff. An artist friend was going to make a graphic of them for use in a training program I was doing on codependency.

“So you have a key for these, Dad?” he asked.

“Yes; I do,” I mumbled as I hit “Save” on what I had been writing.

SLAP!

Immediately, he slapped the handcuffs down over both wrists.

“Jamie!” I gasped. “I do have the key for those, but I never said I had it WITH me. What on earth are you going to do if I tell you the key is in my office in San Antonio?”

The boy never blinked. He held out his hand.

“Dad, you would NEVER let me slap these cuffs on myself if you didn’t have the key with you.”

I dug into my pocket and passed him the key.

Risky Business?

I’m not suggesting every kid get the feel of a pair of handcuffs. (After all, some risks are better than others.) But here was an example of a reasonably safe and spontaneous venture into risk-taking.

Spontaneity in our children can be a good thing. It means they’re not so consumed and careful with planning their every move that they drain life of every drop of fun. (Kids that are always overly cautious don’t make happy campers and, as adults, they don’t change much.)

If a kid can’t enjoy being a kid, what’s the point in being one?

A Deeper Message

In this handcuff-modeling scenario, my son demonstrated something I would never want to see tarnished: He trusted me absolutely.

How valuable is that? How precious is a son’s or daughter’s absolute trust? It’s valuable enough to help a youngster feel a little more secure in a world that’s pretty shaky sometimes. It’s also valuable enough for a child to know that, through all the normal ups and downs of being part of a family, a parent’s intent and desire for his or her well-being rests on solid ground.

Isn’t it fortunate we don’t have to be graduates of The School of Perfect Parenting in order to have that kind of trust from our children?

But I do recommend you keep that key in your pocket, just in case.

 

 

A nationally recognized child and adolescent psychologist, author and speaker, Dr. James Sutton is in demand for his expertise on emotionally and behaviorally troubled youngsters, and his skill for sharing it. He the founder and host of The Changing Behavior Network, a popular internet radio program supporting young people and their families, and every month he publishes The Changing Behavior Digest, offering tips on managing difficult children and teens. Both resources (and others) are available at no cost through his website,
http://www.DocSpeak.com
.

You BECOME What You Think About

YOU BECOME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT: If you wanted to purchase music in 1956, your options were limited. There were no downloads, CDs, cassettes, Ipods, personal computers or anything like that. You had two choices: phonograph record or reel-to-reel tape.

It was in that year, 1956, that the first spoken-word record to become a GOLD RECORD (selling over one million copies) was recorded and distributed. It was a recording by the late Earl Nightengale, entitled The Strangest Secret. (He was one of only 12 marines aboard the USS Arizona that survived as the ship sank during the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, but that’s another story.) Here’s the main point of Nightengale’s message that caused that record to sell over a million copies:

You BECOME what you think about.

A few other folks said much the same thing:

King Solomon, known for his great wisdom, said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)

Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right!”

Shakespeare said, “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

But Earl Nightengale nailed it in only six words: “You become what you think about.” Pleasant thoughts, all.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

When Love Rode on a Dime

WHEN LOVE RODE ON A DIME: I was always eager to welcome the west Texas summers. School would be out; I could leave my shoes under the bed. One of my dearest summer memories, however, was watching for the mailman to leave something special in our mailbox.

Two Dimes

It would be a letter from my grandmother in Oklahoma. The letter was always addressed to my mother, but my sister and I were not forgotten. There would be two dimes taped to a card inside Grandma’s letter; one for each of us.

These dimes meant one thing: ice cream! If my sister or I heard the ice cream man on the next street over, we’d rush inside to grab our dimes and stand patiently on the curb until he came down our street. If our tastes weren’t too fancy, a dime would be just enough.

Long-distance Love

It was a given that Grandma loved us, but using the US Mail to deliver ice cream in the summer was a creative way to send the message. It was long-distance love, and we experienced it for many years.

But something always puzzled me about those dimes. They were ALWAYS brand-new and shiny; uncirculated. Many years later, Mom shared the story how, near the first of the month, Grandma would ride the city bus downtown with her modest check in hand. She would stop by the bank to cash it, always asking for a roll of new dimes. No old dimes for her five grandkids; they had to be NEW ones.

Too Much?

Today it’s possible for grandparents to video chat with their grandkids in real time. Cell phones and the internet give instant access anywhere and anytime, and gift cards can buy just about anything a grandchild could possibly want.

But that’s just the point, isn’t it? I sometimes wonder if we lavish TOO much on our children and grandchildren.

Can expensive gifts cloud a deeper message? Can love be diminished by extravagance? Might we return to a time when the heart of the giver was more valued than the giver?

When love sometimes rode on a dime?

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Zig Ziglar: WHY I BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS

Zig Ziglar: WHY I BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS

On November 28, 2012, Zig Ziglar passed away at the age of 86. In his career he inspired hundreds of thousands of folks, many of whom were hungry for a message of hope. In 1996, I visited with Zig in his office in Dallas, where we recorded the audio program, The Power of Gratitude. Zig lived that message. His son, Tom Ziglar, posted Zig’s Christmas message in the company’s newsletter. Part of it is shared here. –Jim Sutton

“It’s the first Christmas I can remember. It arrived just seven weeks after the deaths of my father and baby sister. To make matters worse, it was in the heart of the Great Depression. Things were tough. All of us children who were older made what income contributions we could, but the truth was my mother had eight of her eleven remaining children still living at home, and six were too young to work. Understandably, the Ziglar kids were concerned about what kind of Christmas it would be!

“The good news is that though our grief was fresh, we still celebrated Christmas. We received no toys that year, but much to my delight in my gift box I found three English walnuts and something I had never tasted before–raisins! They were absolutely delicious. Mama prepared her wonderful molasses candy and we had a small cedar tree. And my mother read the Christmas story, like she always did.

“My sixth Christmas will always have great meaning to me. We celebrated the birth of Christ even in hard times because we believed in Christmas.”

I could not think of a better message or messenger than this one today. Merry Christmas, all.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

“I Just Got Back From the Moon!”

“I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE MOON!” Before you laugh too much at this one, you must know it actually happened in a counseling session of mine. I asked an 11-year-old how his weekend went. He launched into quite a tale.

He told me his folks were divorced and that his father lived outside Houston. When he went to visit his dad over the weekend, they took a trip to the Manned Spacecraft Center. The boy told me they had a rocket there all fueled up and ready to go, so they asked him if he was up for a two-day trip to the moon. He said, “Sure!” and blasted off.

There’s a lot I don’t know about NASA and the whole business of space, but I’m pretty sure Houston folks only track flights; they don’t launch ‘em. But I sensed that confronting him would be more harmful than productive. Besides, he already knew he didn’t really go to the moon.

Why would a youngster say such a thing (assuming he wasn’t thought disordered)? I believe it was a cover for his own sense of insignificance. Perhaps he was really saying, “If you really knew how dull and lackluster my life really is, you wouldn’t waste either your breath or your time on me. But if I can tell some really far-out stuff, perhaps I can hold your attention a little longer.”

I know there are kids out there who are starving for just five unconditional minutes with us. A little affirmation can work wonders, and it will slowly bring reality back into view and into discussion. It’s not a race. Take your time with a youngster like this one.–JDS

 

For 59 other interventions and ways to develop rapport and redirect youngsters effectively, get Dr. Sutton’s book, 60 Ways to Reach a Difficult and Defiant Child. Just one or two of these great ideas can help create more successful outcomes as it reduces your stress and frustration. What is that worth? For more information or to order this book, CLICK HERE.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Free Hugs!

FREE HUGS: If the weather’s decent on a Saturday morning, and if the tourists are out and about, you just might find him near Alamo Plaza in San Antonio, Texas. He’ll be the one wearing a bed-sheet cape, holding a sign that reads, “FREE HUGS.”

The man is 27-year-old Christopher Webster. For the past six years he has taken part in the “Free Hugs” social movement started by an Australian in 2004. But the really hug-worthy part of the movement is Christopher himself. He has Asperger’s Syndrome, a condition that makes interaction with others quite uncomfortable and difficult.

“It was stepping out of my comfort zone,” Christopher shared with news reporter, Vincent Davis. “Once I started, it became natural.”

Most of us know full well the best way to deal with things that make us uncomfortable or fearful is to face them head-on. The problem is we just don’t want to do it.

So look for the guy in the bed-sheet cape. He’s leading the way. –JDS

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

“Be Patient with Me …”

“BE PATIENT WITH ME …”: Growing tomatos in south Texas can be a challenge. You have to get most of your harvest in the spring, as the blistering sun will cut them down in July.

“This one’s finished,” I said to myself, as I prepared to yank a plant up by the roots and throw it into the compost pile.

It was then my fingers, not my eyes, discovered it: a perfectly formed, fist-sized tomato. Fastened near the bottom of the plant, it was green and growing, resting against the picket fence where it had been shielded from my view.

“Be patient with me; I can still contribute,” the plant seemed to be saying to me. I left it.

In that moment I was was struck with the notion that people sometimes are like that heat-battered tomato plant. It could be the student who is painfully shy in the classroom. It could be the hard-working immigrant who struggles to learn a strange, new language. Or it could be the kind soul who must live out her days in a nursing home. Circumstances differ, yet the message remains the same:

Be patient with me;
I can STILL contribute.

Only the Master Gardener has all the answers.

“… For man looketh on the outward appearance,
but the Lord looketh on the heart.”
I Samuel 16:7b (KJV)

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

“If You Want Something Done …”

“IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE … “: As colonial Philadelphia rapidly grew, Ben Franklin saw a problem developing. Streets became busier and more crowded, clogged with pedestrians, horses and carriages. Traffic was bad enough during the day, but at night it was DANGEROUS. People were getting hurt; the streets needed light at night.

Franklin pleaded with the city to put out street lamps for the safety of the people. He was told there were no funds for such a project. Lighted streets were a good idea; there just wasn’t any money for it.

Being a man of action and considerable influence (except with the city, apparently), Franklin addressed the part of the problem that was in front of HIS home. He commissioned the crafting of a beautiful, ornate post and had it placed at the street in front of his house. He ordered a clean lamp be lit and placed on the post every day at dusk.

Folks nearby admired their neighbor’s lamp post so much they did the same in front of their homes. It didn’t take long before streets were safer all over Philadelphia.

It is better to light one candle than

to curse the darkness.

Chinese proverb

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Turning Disability into Destiny

TURNING DISABILITY INTO DESTINY: Early in my career as a school psychologist, I met a man who had no arms from the elbows down. As I recall, his name was Bob. As an electrician, he was involved in an accident that left him permanently disabled.

Bob eventually became the CEO of a very large nonprofit organization dedicated to putting physically disabled folks back into the workplace. When Bob spoke, people listened. His influence and his service to thousands was beyond measure.

Here’s another story. It’s different, yet it’s really the same. –JDS

Louis

Young Louis loved to tinker with the tools in the leather shop. His father, a master leather smith, had a strong reputation across the French countryside as a maker of the finest horse tack.

One day, Louis was attempting to punch through a piece of tough leather with an awl, a sharply pointed tool. The awl slipped and struck Louis in the eye. The wound became infected, then the infection spread to his other eye, also. The boy quickly became totally blind.

He was sent to a school for the blind in Paris. It didn’t take long for his teacher to discover that Louis was quite bright. Although Louis enjoyed learning, he became frustrated with the method used for teaching blind students to read. Heavy sheets of wet paper were placed over wire or wooden cutouts of letters. When the paper dried, students could read the words by feeling the raised parts of the paper.

Louis didn’t like this system much. It worked, but it was slow and cumbersome. Books made in this fashion were huge, heavy and hard to handle. And they were expensive to make. Besides, they accounted for reading only. Trying to write using this system was next to impossible.

As a young teen struggling to come up with a better way for blind classmates and himself to read and write, Louis heard about a system of night writing that had been developed by a French army captain. It was an alphabetical arrangement of raised dots and dashes pressed into paper. With it, military communication was possible even in total darkness.

Louis liked the idea of night writing, but felt that it, also, was too cumbersome to be practical for the blind. So, armed with the very same awl that had blinded him, Louis set out to improve on the captain’s system. He needed to come up with something that was simple, functional, and easy to use in both reading and writing.

He developed an alphabet consisting of two narrow columns of up to three raised dots each. These one to six dots in the columns represented a specific letter. Best of all, it could be read instantly with a single touch.

His improved system of reading and writing for the blind gained support by the time Louis was fifteen years old. It seemed paradoxical that the same leather worker’s tool that had blinded him played such a role in the ultimate education, literacy and independence of many millions of sight-challenged individuals. His work carries his name to this day.

That fifteen year old boy was Louis Braille (1809-1852).

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Turning “I Can’t” into “I Can”

TURNING “I CAN’T” INTO “I CAN!”

Perception is a close relative of belief; it “colors” everything we do … and everything we don’t do. When we perceive we can’t do something, like ride a bike, ice skate, or stand on our head, we essentially affirm that perception regardless of ability or skill. In other words, we simply “talk” ourselves out of that ability.

Perception easily overrides reality, although it eventually constructs a reality of its own. The good news is that negative, unproductive and unhealthy perceptions can be changed through the careful and methodical “adjustment” of behavior. The two are linked into a never-ending cycle; perception influences behavior, and behavior influences perception. Want to change one? Well, just work on the other!

Changed Behavior Changes Perception

A middle school coach once shared with me how he taught a student to remain in his seat when students were working on assignments.

This boy was in constant motion. He would, on occasion, come completely out of his seat. The coach had an idea.

“I’ll bet I can convince you that you can stay in your seat for ten minutes with no problem at all.”

The boy didn’t think such a thing was possible. Staying seated had always been difficult for him at school, at home, at church, everywhere.

The coach smiled and left. In a moment he was back with a jump rope and a timer. He folded the jump rope a couple of times and placed it across the boy’s knees.

“In a moment, I’m going to set this timer for ten minutes,” he said. “All you have to do is keep the jump rope in your lap, without touching it with your hands, until the timer goes off.”

When the timer went off, no one was more surprised than the young man to see the jump rope still across his lap. He grinned at the coach, handed him the jump rope, and reset the timer for ten more minutes. When the timer went off for the second time, the boy was still in his seat.

Change Perception Changed Behavior

Once the boy was convinced he could remain in his seat, he became certain he could repeat the challenge, even without the jump rope.

Have you ever thought you couldn’t do something, only to watch another person do it, perhaps a person of less skill or ability than yourself? Did it ever cause you to think, “Well, if he can do it, I know I can?” That’s behavioral change that grew from a changed perception. It’s a powerful component of all sorts of learning.

Why Was the Coach’s “Experiment” Successful?

This is a question I ask when I share this story in teacher training. It brings some interesting responses, but two reasons stand above the others:

1. The instruction was simple and doable. The coach designated ten minutes, not two hours. Also, he instructed the boy to simply keep the jump rope on his lap. He didn’t bog the youngster down with multiple directions on how to do it (“Keep your feet on the floor;” “Keep your back straight and your hands on the desk,” “Don’t rock back in your chair;” “Just concentrate;” “Don’t look around the room”).

2. There was a focal point that gave the boy ongoing feedback. He could watch the timer and know precisely where he was in the challenge.

Another Reason?

Some folks suggest there was another reason why this experiment was successful: the attention, positive belief and affirmation of the coach. It certainly didn’t hurt. In terms of a long-term skill, the success with the jump rope was probably the most important, most useful and most remembered lesson he taught that student.

Closer to Home

Okay, this example involves a coach, but a parent can accomplish the same thing. In fact, every day parents demonstrate to doubting children what they can accomplish.

My first bicycle was a full-sized, three-speed English racer; no training wheels. Even with my father walking behind me hold onto the back of the seat, I felt overwhelmed. Knowing he was there with me helped me practice my balance.

When Dad thought I was ready to handle the bike on my own, he took me to a part of the street that had a slight downhill grade. I got some speed going and felt pretty good about it, especially knowing my father was right there behind me.

Only he wasn’t, of course. When I got to the end of the street and looked for my father, he was half a block behind me, grinning. He had “proven” to me I could manage the bike just fine. From that day on, that bike was my magic carpet over my small part of the world.

Is There a Life Lesson Here?

If you look back over the scenario with the jump rope, you’ll note the boy did not remain in his seat for ten minutes; he remained in his seat for 20 minutes; his choice! More importantly, he knew he could do the same anywhere and anytime for the rest of his life.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Jack: a 104-Year-Old Inspiration

While wrapping up a speaking engagement in Sacramento, I boarded a plane for home. I was going to San Antonio, with a stop in San Diego.

Jack was in front of me, being wheeled through the jetbridge by an attendant. A young lady, a social worker, accompanied him. He certainly was a delightful fellow and, in conversation with him and the social worker, I discovered he was 104 years old and moving to San Diego.

The attendant asked if I would hold boarding the plane until he could come back with the wheelchair; he needed the room to turn the chair around. They seated Jack on the front row, and we resumed boarding.

As we were landing in San Diego, a flight attendant announced that Jack was their special guest for that flight, that he was 104 years young, and that he was moving to San Diego. He also shared that, as folks got off the plane, they might want to shake Jack’s hand and wish him the well as as they passed by.

As I said, I was a through passenger, so I got to watch everyone as they spoke to Jack before getting off the plane. It was special, indeed. “They are making his day,” I thought to myself. I was wrong, of course.

He was making THEIR day!

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Can a Child ENJOY Being in Trouble Constantly

“CAN A CHILD ‘ENJOY’ BEING IN TROUBLE CONSTANTLY?”

Sometimes I believe my son actually ENJOYS all the negativity his oppositional and defiant behavior brings upon him. Could that possibly be the case? Can a child really “enjoy” being in trouble constantly? If so, what can I do about it?

The short answer is, “Absolutely!” Like so many facets of behavior, however, there are deeper issues that play into what’s going on.

One huge issue is the power and control a youngster like your son experiences when he can control the emotions and behavior of an adult. Early on in my practice, I had a young patient who had his father by the throat (figuratively speaking, of course). He could make a lot of stuff happen by squeezing on that hold. Unfortunately, Dad played right into the son’s game. All the boy had to do was forget a chore, for instance, and Dad would go into a tirade.

Just imagine this picture. All the boy had to do was neglect taking out the trash and he got a first-rate floor show, and he knew he made it happen, and could make it happen any time he wanted. Although the boy didn’t like the hard edge of Dad’s wrath (consequences bordered on abuse), part of him delighted in the power and control he had over the old man.

Your situation probably is not as severe as the example I just shared, but I strongly believe that an adult’s response to oppositional, defiant and noncompliant behavior has a great deal to do with those behaviors happening again and again. It’s not the sort of payoff you can reach out and touch, but it’s a powerful, intangible payoff that a youngster can grow to prefer. Why? Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley say it well in their book, Transforming the Difficult Child:

“The energy, reactivity and animation that we radiate when we are pleased is relatively flat compared to our verbal and nonverbal responses to behaviors that cause us displeasure, frustration or anger.”

How Do We Change Things?

1. Refuse to become overly upset. If there is a consequence to be applied, apply it, then physically remove yourself from the situation, if you can. Youngsters don’t like consequences. If you hang around, they just might go through their entire script of unhappiness.

2. Work out all the consequences in advance, and write them down. Discuss with your child what would be reasonable consequences for forgotten tasks or inappropriate behaviors. When they are not in a defensive mood or “on-the-spot,” many youngsters will come up with excellent consequences as you consider what would be reasonable and fair for a given situation. (These are called “elicited” consequences. If the youngster helps you with the consequences, he’ll be less likely to say they are unfair when you later have to apply them.) Type all this up on the computer (better yet, let the youngster do it). Go over it again with them, and give them a copy of the signed document. Later, instead of telling them the consequence for a behavior, produce the list, and ask them to read it to you. There’s something about a child or teen stating a consequence in their own voice that takes a lot of the fight out of the situation.

3. Attend to your child when he’s NOT in trouble. Although this makes a lot of sense on the surface, we live in a busy, busy world. When our kids create trouble, we have to attend to it, but it’s easy to let relationships slide when there’s no emergency. Make a commitment just to be with the youngster for a few moments on a regular basis. A parent’s physical presence, especially in those few moments before their child goes to sleep, is a powerful and positive thing.

4. Consider ways to provide additional empowerment. For some kids, getting adults worked up into a full lather appeals to them because they feel that’s the only way they have any power at all. A simple way to increase empowerment is to offer more choices, where appropriate. In assigning chores, for instance, give them five tasks and explain they can give two of them back to you if they do three of them by a certain time.

5. Learn to live more calmly in an imperfect world. This one certainly applies to all of us. I have to work on it every day.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

The 72-hour Challenge

As a parent, have you ever had “the-child-you-would-die-for” become “the-kid-you-can’t-live-with?” Even if your experiences were not that extreme, it’s not at all difficult to see how things between parent and child can take an uncomfortable turn.

That uncomfortable turn doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, that is precisely the issue, really. The problems we don’t see coming are the toughest ones to fix. Too often, our response is to wait and see if things will improve, or simply do nothing at all (except complain), as we wait not-so-patiently for everyone else to change.

The 72-hour Challenge

Here’s an idea that just might help. Imagine that, starting right now, you had only three days left here on Planet Earth. That’s a 72-hour deadline to settle ALL your business. What’s more, you couldn’t tell anyone you had only three days left.

Would this shift your priorities? Would the actions and habits of loved one that used to irritate you suddenly not matter anymore? Would such a challenge move you to take action to do some things that got lost on the back burner labeled “Later”? Obviously, I don’t know what would be on your three-day “To-Do” list; it would be different for every person. But I’m pretty sure what would be at the top of most every list: the repair, revering and deepening of one’s closest relationships.

(Although this might seem like a far-fetched “What if …?” on your behavior, it’s a reality for some folks. Randy Pausch, professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, lived it until he died in the summer of 2008 from pancreatic cancer. His best-selling book, The Last Lecture, and the actual lecture itself, continue to challenge us to dream big and live abundantly, starting with those we love the most. Randy’s biggerst regret was that his three children were much too young to understand the things he so much wanted to tell them before he died.)

If you accept the “72-hour Challenge” and take action to change some things, knowing you can’t explain the circumstances to anyone, you will discover how the results of those changes will be positive in essentially every instance. And all it takes is a reason and the resolve to something now, rather than the “later” that might never happen at all. ###

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Where to Buy a Watch in 1880

Here’s a great story sent to my by my friend in New England, Dan Spry. It speaks well to free enterprise and what you can accomplish living in the good old US of A.–JDS

—————————————

If you were in the market for a watch in 1880, would you know where to get one? You would go to a store, right? Well, of course you could do that, but if you wanted one that was cheaper and a bit better than most of the store watches, you went to the train station! Sound a bit funny? Well, for about 500 towns across the northern United States, that’s where the best watches were found.

Why were the best watches found at the train station? The railroad company wasn’t selling the watches, not at all The telegraph operator was. Most of the time the telegraph operator was located in the railroad station because the telegraph lines followed the railroad tracks from town to town. It was usually the shortest distance and the right-of-ways had already been secured for the rail line.

Most of the station agents were also skilled telegraph operators and that was the primary way that they communicated with the railroad. They would know when trains left the previous station and when they were due at their next station. And it was the telegraph operator who had the watches. As a matter of fact they sold more of them than almost all the stores combined for a period of about 9 years.

This was all arranged by “Richard”, who was a telegraph operator himself. He was on duty in the North Redwood, Minnesota train station one day when a load of watches arrived from the east. It was a huge crate of pocket watches. No one ever came to claim them.

So Richard sent a telegram to the manufacturer and asked them what they wanted to do with the watches. The manufacturer didn’t want to pay the freight back, so they wired Richard to see if he could sell them. So Richard did. He sent a wire to every agent in the system asking them if they wanted a cheap, but good, pocket watch. He sold the entire case in less than two days and at a handsome profit.

That started it all. He ordered more watches from the watch company and encouraged the telegraph operators to set up a display case in the station offering high quality watches for a cheap price to all the travelers. It worked! It didn’t take long for the word to spread and, before long, people other than travelers came to the train station to buy watches.

Richard became so busy that he had to hire a professional watch maker to help him with the orders. That was Alvah. And the rest is history as they say.

The business took off and soon expanded to many other lines of dry goods.

Richard and Alvah left the train station and moved their company to Chicago — and it’s still there.

IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT that for a while in the 1880′s, the biggest watch retailer in the country was at the train station. It all started with a telegraph operator:

Richard Sears and his partner Alvah Roebuck

What if it’s NOT ADHD? (An Interview with Frank Barnhill, MD)

I recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Frank Barnhill, family practice physician and ADHD expert at his home in South Carolina. The information in this interview is so powerful that I decided to put a link to the intervied on the “It’s About Them” blog.

This telephone interview runs 29 minutes, and can be accessed through this link:
www.thechangingbehaviornetwork.com/2011/12/03.

There are over 60 medical, psychological, and environmental conditions and circumstances that can mimic the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

What does this mean? It means that almost 2.5 million young people are being misdiagnosed, mismedicated, and wrongly labeled as ADHD. The implications of this are far-reaching and harmful to our children.

In this fast-paced and fact-filled interview, ADHD expert and family practice physican, Dr. Frank Barnhill, describes the problems and concerns associated with a “quick fix,” a hasty diagnosis of ADHD and use of stimulant drugs without benefit of a thorough evaluation. He shares how a wrongful diagnosis in children and teens can lead to employment, legal, and emotional problems in adulthood. He then draws on his 27 years of family medicine to cover important questions parents should ask their doctor to be sure their children are being effectively evaluated and treated for ADHD (29:04).

Dr. Barnhill is the author of the aclaimed book, Mistaken for ADHD. The book, an ADHD blog, and his newsletter, “Living with ADHD,” are all available through his excellent and informative website, www.mistakenforadhd.com.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

I’ll Cover Your Back!

“I’LL COVER YOUR BACK:” Marilyn Scott of the Rose City Middle School in North Little Rock, Arkansas, shares a great idea that deepens a relationship with a potentially difficult student while it diminishes problem behavior. She calls the intervention, “Trust Me; I’ll Cover Your Back.”

Marilyn initiates this intervention with the whole class, sharing that, if she circles a problem on a student’s paper, it is a guarantee it is CORRECT. (Now, isn’t that exactly the opposite of how it worked when you and I were in school? If a teacher ever circled something on my paper, it generally meant, “You might want to look at that one again.”)

As students are working on an assignment in class, Marilyn moves about the room checking and circling problems on students’ work. If she asks for volunteers to put the problem on the board, students with circled work know they won’t be embarrassed. It builds confidence and it builds trust with the teacher. Confidence and trust can reduce difficult behavior a bunch. Marilyn adds:

I roll my chair up and down the aisles as I check papers. It puts me on the same level with the students, and it helps foster a team atmosphere.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Thanks FROM a Veteran

It seemed to me that the recognition of and for active duty military and veterans this year was extra strong and extra special. As a vet myself, it was wonderful to experience. In fact, I just got back from Chili’s, where they were feeding lunch to a whole bunch of vets today. Wonderful.

I’m a Vietnam vet, and it’s becoming increasingly more clear to me that we are the OLD guys (and gals), now that so many of our WWII and Korea vets are no longer with us. When I do training now, and especially when I train school folks, most of the audience wasn’t even born when I was in the service.

When President Johnson stepped up the war in Vietnam in the late 60s, the draft was on, big-time. I joined so as to have at least a little choice, knowing my “number” was coming. I went into the Navy and, on balance, it was four years I think back on with pride. Because I tested out well in boot camp, I was able to get into the Naval Security Group, a branch of the Navy that handled extremely sensitive communication. It’s a very small part of the Navy.

This put me on two separate trips to Vietnam in 1969-70 in support of our marine counterparts With the Third Marine Amphibious Force (Camp Horn), near DaNang. I knew these guys; we had trained together in Pensacola, Florida. Because part of our duty was to call in firepower on the enemy, it was their job to try to knock us out of business. They wanted to kill us, and they certainly tried. I can remember clearly still wondering if the next incoming rocket was going to have my name on it. Fortunately, I made it through alright, with just a few close calls. Since then, I haven’t been able to come even close to the feeling of fellowship I experienced with those marines, and I’ve never felt, before or since, the sensation of absolutely KNOWING that what I was doing was signifcant because it saved many, many American lives.

As some of you might know, Vietnam vets were spat upon and ridiculed when they returned, as if they were somehow involved in the politics of it all. I remember all that. But today, I’m deeply humbled and appreciative.

Thanks again, from a veteran. May God bless you all.

 

Petty Officer 2nd Class James D. Sutton, USN (1966-1970)

The ONE Thing

THE ONE THING:

Folks can write all kinds of books on raising and teaching difficult kids. It certainly seems that one’s head can become so overloaded with ideas until it’s difficult to focus on ANY of them. Tell me, what is the ONE thing I can do to have the most impact in changing the difficult and defiant behavior of my child?

It’s so easy to become overwhelmed by all the well-intended advice. Actually, this question reminds me a bit of the movie City Slickers (Columbia Pictures, 1991). Curly Washburn, Jack Palance’s character in the picture tells the wanna-be cowboys there is one one thing that matters most in their cattle drive, and in life. Curly never tells them what it is, exhorting them to figure it out for themselves.

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, the psychologist noted for his unique and effective approach to healing (his success resulted in the closing of an entire ward set aside for criminally insane patients at the Hawaii State Hospital in the late 80s), shares how he was inspired by a simple plaque on his mentor’s desk:

Peace Begins with Me

(Dr. Hew Len’s story inspired me from the moment I first heard of it, then later read about in the book, Zero Limits. His approach to healing lies at the very core of my newest work, The Changing Behavior Book.)

If this was the driving philosophy that helped Dr. Hew Len achieve astonishing improvement in what many would consider “impossible” individuals, how much better would it serve us with reasonably intact young people capable even of expressing a bit of tenderness amid the turmoil?

But what sort of peace is that? Well, for starters, I believe it means waking up in the morning without a “hangover” full of yesterday’s issues. Is that difficult to do? Incredibly so, sometimes; I’ve been there as a parent. But I honestly can’t remember one single instance where my anger, resentment, and frustration ever contributed anything to a solution. One doesn’t change the weather by smashing the thermometer.

Authentic peace, and how to achieve it, has as many meanings as there are folks interpreting it. One thing, however, is for cetain: Everyone knows when they don’t have it.

Let me close this section with a word of caution about “Peace Begins with Me.” It is contagious.

Your kids can catch it.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Proactivity as a Problem

PROACTIVITY AS A PROBLEM:

As I conference with the school on my child’s behavior, I’m finding it difficult to suggest a proactive approach to intervention. What do you see as the issue here, and how can we best address it?

This is an excellent question. To make sure we’re on the same page, proactive intervention refers to addressing a pattern of behavior in a way that it cannot happens again. For instance, if Sally doesn’t want to stay in her seat, she’s given a task she can only do standing up, or if Tony’s always dropping his crayons when it’s time to go to lunch, the before-lunch activity is changed so there are no crayons to drop. (These are just examples; intervention can become considerably more involved than this.)

Why it can be a Difficult “Sell”

Three reasons come to mind as to why a suggested proactive plan might meet with resistance:

1. Everyone is overwhelmed already. Schools have their hands plenty full just following mandated state and federal standards. The last thing they need is one more thing. If being proactive involves planning, it might just be shuffled to the bottom of the stack.

2. Proactivity means spending time and energy on something that hasn’t happened (yet). It’s an elective approach for addressing something that, in a perfect world, might not happen again. Look at it this way: How many folks buy a burglar alarm after their house has been robbed.

3. The prevailing thought might be, “the YOUNGSTER needs to be doing the changing, not me.” This is an understandable position, but it might not take into account that the child is “stuck” and doesn’t have the faintest clue how to change.

“Selling” It

An effective proactive plan for addressing problem behavior might be “sold” by pointing out some of the following benefits:

1. It sets up the child to be successful. If the youngster can go a day without the problem behavior, it can be the begining of a new, better pattern. Who doesn’t want to have a better day?

2. A proactive stance is the best and most efficient use of time and resources. The counselor, school psychologist, and administrator aren’t being called out for emergencies. Also, there are no discipline referrals for problems that don’t happen; there’s nothing for teachers to have to write. (They have enough of that already.)

3. There’s less distraction and more on-task work. The youngster, the other students, and the teacher all benefit from a problem that never happens.

4. It’s much more pleasant. Relationships fare better with a proactive approach. When there are no negative consequences, no losses are imposed (and we all know how kids hate to lose anything).

It would not be difficult to work a proactive approach into Response to Intervention, Positive Behavior Intervention and Support, an Individualized Education Plan (Special Education), a Behavior Improvement Plan (also SpEd), or a 504 Plan. Tracking and follow-up, and accountability all the way around (including the parent, of course), would be built into the effort.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

One Way to Kill Happiness: Chase It

I came across this quote the other day; it’s from Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.” It immediately struck me as being absolutely true. It also resonated with a book I read a number of years ago: Happiness is a Serious Problem by Dennis Prager.

I wonder how many folks would change their striving if they believed that Hoffer and Prager were on target. I’m talking about those folks who say they will be happy after they get a raise, or get a better job, or get married, or get divorced, and on and on. It just doesn’t work like that. How many people have pretty much everything … and are miserable with it?

In their book, The Second Force, Gary and Pat Emery say this: “Learning to be happy is like training a bird to sit on your shoulder. You have to let the happiness come to you rather than chase after it.” They also add, “Happiness is a discovery without a search.”

I LIKE that!

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Esperanza: Hope is Alive and Well!

Most of us would avoid long stands in the direct sun if we could. But not the Esperanza plants in my back yard. They say, “Bring it on, the more, the better!” Here’s a picture of them.

I love the bumper crop of bright yellow flowers against the deep green of the leaves, and I also love what the word Esperanza means in Spanish: Hope.

These Esperanzas are thriving in south Texas temperatures that topped 100 degrees every single day for months. As long as they’re watered, they’ll grow close to 20 feet in a single season. (I’m no plant expert, but I believe that my Esperanza plants are so tall because they want to get out of the shade. There’s hardly a bloom on them until they grow taller than the fence and then some. They WANT the sun.

When a freeze comes, however, the Esperanzas are the first to go; I cut them down even with the ground every winter. And yet, when spring, they start their climb once more. Why? Well, because they have awesome roots that hold fast, cold or hot.

These Esperanza plants can teach us a very important lesson: If you are rooted well, you know who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. With strong roots a little care, you can grow and grow and grow. Adversity not only causes you to grow even more, it can even uncover hidden blessings and opportunity.

Hope is alive and well. Grow, Esperanzas, grow!

James Sutton, Psychologist

Gaining Compliance Through Balance

GAINING COMPLIANCE THROUGH BALANCE: Here’s an approach to gaining compliance that works well at home or school. In this case, we’ll focus specifically on applications within the classroom using a strategy I call “Balanced Expectations.” The following observations of defiant and noncompliant students are addressed:

Observation #1: A student cannot be compliant and noncompliant at the same time. One of the surest and quickest ways of defeating noncompliant behavior is to empower the student out of it. The easiest way to accomplish this is to offer some sort of choice, although it should be made clear that choice is given all the time.

Observation #2: Defiant and noncompliant students generally feel “What’s the use, anyway,” that they are so hopelessly behind, and that everything they’re being asked to do is absolutely urgent. If we can chip away at this view, we have a chance of gaining more compliance.

Both of these characteristics are addressed when expectations are grouped into three levels: High, Mid, and Low.

High-level Expectations

This level is unyielding; there is no tolerance for any defiance or noncompliance, at all. This is made clear to every student; no exceptions. Whatever the hassle or cost, a high-level expectation will be enforced.

Safety issues at school are a great example, starting with school fire drills. Defiant and noncompliant students know they can’t stay in the building during a fire drill. Result: They leave the building like everyone else.

For a high-level expectation to be effective, a youngster has to know resistance will not be tolerated. This level works best when it is pruned regularly to contain only those expectations that are critical and worth the effort it takes to enforce them. If the high-level category becomes overloaded, old problems will return.

Mid-level Expectations

This level is always task-specific; its purpose is to get work accomplished by empowering students with choice. One way to accomplish mid-level expectations is to offer the same work in several forms or options. For instance, ten math problems could be offered on each of three sheets. The work is the same type and level of learning on each of the three assignments, so it makes no difference to the teacher which one a student selects. The ability to pick from a “menu,” however, could make a big difference to the student, a difference that could pay off in terms of compliance.

Another excellent way to employ a mid-level expectation is to offer a discard:

Tommy, here are five things to do this week. You can pick three and give two of them back to me.

Consider how much better this little empowerment exercise works as compared to giving Tommy the three assignments to start with.

Low-level Expectations

An expectation at this level essentially is a “give back” to a student. It will probably shock the youngster a bit, but he’ll like it, and he should respond favorably.

Low-level expectations are never task-specific; rather they focus on the approach to a task. I was using a low-level expectation in giving this assignment to my middle school students years ago:

Class, it’s now time to work on your SRA kits (reading). You know where you left off last time. Now, you can work at your desk, or you can borrow a clipboard and sit on our new carpet as you work on your assignment. You can stretch out and get comfortable, if you like. Just don’t go to sleep.

Or, if you’d rather, you can sit in the Reading Tub and work, or you can use either one of the large tables in the back.

Notice here how there was no choice as to task; they were told to work on their SRA kits. They had six choices, however, of where they could go to do the activity. That was a menu as to approach to the task. (Parents: Are you getting any ideas here? This works great at home, also.)

Offering students the same assignment, but on different colors of paper, would be the empowerment of choice of approach to a task. For some students, this could make a big difference in overall task compliance.

One additional benefit to the effective use of low-level expectations is that they seem reasonable and enjoyable to the students. They really do position the teacher well. This can only help with other compliance tasks throughout the school year.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email

Something for a Grieving Child

SOMETHING FOR A GRIEVING CHILD: Grieving children can present a multitude of behaviors as they attempt to process the loss of a loved one, even behaviors of defiance, noncompliance, and a lot of anger. Caretaking adults can help a grieving child a great deal with one simple gesture. This article tells how it can be accomplished.

A few years back I had the opportunity to work with a young man who came to live in a group home following the loss of his mother to cancer. (He had lived for a bit with his grandmother, but that arrangement did not work out.) I’ll call him Charles.

As I worked with Charles, I quickly developed a deep respect for this young man. On his own, he had cared for his mother at home. He quit going to school (middle school) in order to be with her. He even drove her car to the grocery store, post office, and the bank as he took care of the two of them. (He was never stopped or questioned by the police.)

As I worked with Charles at the group home, I asked a question I always ask. The discussion went like this:

Is there something I can do for you, Charles?

You could help me get a picture of my mother.

What do you mean?

When Mom died, my grandmother took down all of her pictures. She said it wasn’t good to dwell on the dead.

But you’d like to have a photograph of her to keep for yourself. Is that right. Charles?

Yeah, I would; I really would.

I noted this need to the social worker who communicated the request to the boy’s grandmother. It took several months, but the picture finally arrived in the mail. It was an obituary card with the mother’s picture on the front, the card that had been passed out at her funeral.

You would have thought the boy had won the Publisher’s Sweepstakes. He carried that card with him everywhere and showed it to anyone who would give him a minute.

I believe he began to heal more readily. Charles eventually quit carrying the card and tacked it on the wall next to his bed. It meant a great deal to him.

Transitional Objects

Psychologists would call this obituary card with the mother’s picture a “transitional object.” In this case, it helped the boy more easily process the loss of his mother. He had a bit of his mother with him when he had the card in his pocket or notebook. On his own, he later tacked it next to his bed as he made the “transition,” the processing of the loss of his mother. He didn’t need to carry it, anymore.

A New Question

I now ask a new question whenever a youngster tells me of the death of a significant adult in their life (often a grandparent):

It sounds like they were a very important part of your life. Do you have a picture of them, or something that once belonged to them, a reminder to you of how special they were?

My experience has been they don’t ask for much at all; they simply want something. One girl wanted only a small, decorative plate that hung on the wall in her grandmother’s living room. A young man told me how he secretly “stole” a tube of lip balm from his grandmother’s medicine cabinet while his parents, aunts, and uncles busied themselves dividing up Grandma’s things. He was left out of that; he said as much.

A Word of Caution

On occasion, a transitional object can get a child in trouble. I worked with one teen whose father had died violently in a collision with another vehicle. Dad had been an avid bird hunter; he had shotguns, ammunition, and bird-hunting equipment all over the house.

The boy picked up three of his dad’s empty shotgun shells one morning and slipped them into his pocket. He showed them around at school and … you guessed it: He got into serious trouble.

“They had already been fired, Dr. Sutton,” he explained. “Empty ones weren’t going to hurt anyone. I just felt better having them with me.”

I suggested to him that if they had stayed in his pocket, no one would have known. Then I offered him an alternative that he readily accepted. We went out to the shop and cut off the lip of the shotgun shells with a hacksaw. Then we punched out the centers, making what looked like three, flat brass washers. He strung them on a chain and put it around his neck. He was happy, and the problem was solved.

How Long?

How long should we allow a child to hold onto a transitional object? Answer: Until they decide they no longer need it. The shotgun shell boy did something similar to Charles when he eventually quit carrying his mother’s picture with him. This boy realized one day at school that he “forgot” and left his shotgun shell necklace at home. More importantly, he made it through the day just fine without it, and knew he had done so. What better evidence of the progress of healing?

Adult, Too!

Are we talking only about children here? Hardly. I commented about transitional objects at a workshop once and two participants came up to me on the break. One gentleman reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver dollar so worn it was completely slick on both sides. He shared how his grandfather had given it to him more than 40 years ago. A woman showed me a sterling-silver pen from her purse. “It doesn’t even work anymore,” she said, “but my late husband once gave it to me as an anniversary present. It’s always with me; I couldn’t bear to lose it.”

Sometimes it can be a challenge to convince parents and caregivers how important a transitional object is to a grieving child. But they would be amazed at the difference it can make.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com

Recognizing an Honest Mistake

RECOGNIZING AN “HONEST” MISTAKE: Difficult and defiant kids are often in so much trouble with their parents and teachers the line separating bad behavior and an honest mistake can become a bit blurry. With that in mind, let’s consider three defining characteristics of an honest mistake. Goal: More mistakes with become honest ones.

First, let’s look at an example, a great example.

Ken Nerburn, specialist and researcher into Native American cultures and customs, and author of many books on the topic, shares how one tribal group effectively managed minor wrongs committed by a young person of the tribe (from his book, Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace):

I often think of the way Dakota Indians responded to a small wrong. When, for instance, a young person walked between an elder and a fire (an act of profound impoliteness in their culture), the young person said, simply, “Mistake.” It was an honest acknowledgement of an error of judgment, devoid of any self-recrimination or self-diminution. All present nodded in assent, and life went on.

How healthy such a attitude seems. We all commit mistakes in judgment, and we all need forgiveness. If we had the option of making a simple acknowledgement of our mistake and then going on with our affairs, how much clearer and gentler would life be? And how much healthier would our own hearts be if we looked upon the injuries caused us by others as simply the mistakes of human beings who, like us, are struggling to get by in a complex and mysterious world?”

As I see it, there are three important characteristics of an honest mistake, characteristics that stand in sharp contrast to deliberate or mean-spirited infractions:

1. The person making the mistake should be the first to acknowledge it. This a huge step in solving the issue. If someone else had to recognize the infraction, is it still a mistake? Could not acknowledging it be perceived as an attempt to ignore or hide the problem, or hope others won’t notice? Could it lead to a lie about one’s responsibility for the incident?

2. There should be a willing, self-directed effort to repair the mistake as much as possible. The youth in the story changed his movement so as to no longer offend the elders. A youngster who breaks a cup or a plate should pick up the pieces, put them in the trash, and offer to pay for the damage in some way.

3. Because of actions #1 and #2, resulting consequences are minimal or not at all. Mistakes happen; standing responsible for them is considered commendable in our society. In fact, respect for a person can deepen when one sees how they handle an honest mistake. An honest mistake handled well can draw new respect.

Suggestion: This could make a great little character lesson to use with a child or teen.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com

Thoughts on “The Help”

I took my wife to see the new movie, “The Help,” yesterday. Not only was it $5.00 ticket Tuesday, the theater was packed at midday. Added to that was the fact that there was not a soul in the theater under the age of 50. (Not sure what that means.)

This was an awesome picture, but not one you would “enjoy.” In fact, we were disturbed by the slices of real life depicted on the screen. Although that was the early ’60s, it struck me that a lot of the entitlement attitudes of some folks continue on.

How can people treat other human beings like that? When they say and do things that inflict pain on others, that’s only a small, small part of what they’re thinking. The movie was a wake-up call.

Sensitivity to others and decency is ALWAYS in style.

James Sutton, Psychologist

www.docspeak.com

Eliciting Conseqences for Inappropriate Behavior

This piece was the second part of the “Your Questions Answered” section of the ODD Management Digest. (The Digest is free; subscribe from the column on the right.) It poses some good strageties for more pleasant outcomes of a conflict between parent and child.

I appreciated what Janet Lehman had to say in the recent two-part piece on consequences. In discussing it with a friend, however, an alternative of “eliciting” consequences was suggested. I’m not sure what this is, but it sounds interesting. How does it work?

In the last issue of the Digest I addressed this question. It’s a good question, and it helped us look at another way of managing consequences with a difficult or defant youngster.

A Little Review

The approach we covered last month was not complicated at all. In fact, it made a lot of sense. It involved simply asking the youngster to state the consequence to follow.

The most difficult part of eliciting a consequence is the making certain that in a moment of no strife or difficulty, consequences for certain behaviors or actions (including behaviors of “not doing”) have already been discussed with the child or teen. It would be a great idea to write them down, print them off, and give the youngster a copy. That way, if the child says, “I don’t remember,” they can go get their list or retrieve it from the saved file on the computer. (I suppose we could call that “Family” Public Record.)

Last month I also emphasized the value of the child stating the consequence to the parent. THIS IS CRITICAL. There’s something about a son or daughter stating the consequence back to the parent in their own voice that serves to nail down the issue.

Always keep in mind that with this approach, some work has to be done up front, long before the consequence is needed.

Another Way

But what if the work has not been done up front? What if the situation of the infraction is so unique there is no preset consequence?

Try this: Calmly ask the child what she believes would be a reasonable consequence. Better yet, ask her to come up with a menu of three. You might present it in a manner something like this:

Suzie, I’m sure you understand I’m not happy about what you did (or didn’t do), but I’ve always seen you as a reasonable and fair young lady. See if you can come up with three consequences you believe both of us can accept. If so, I’ll pick one, and we’ll be done with it. Okay?On the other hand, Suzie, if you don’t think you are reasonable and fair person, let me know, and I’ll come up with one. (Not likely to happen.)

“Come up with three consequences …” is actually a pretty solid consequence in itself, isn’t it?

I do believe most youngsters understand the concept of “reasonable and fair.” Suzie know that telling a lie doesn’t mean she’ll sleep outdoors for six months, but she also knows a parent isn’t likely to let a blatant falsehood go unaddressed.

Even when she messes up, Mom and Dad can honor Suzie when they appeal to her sense of what seems right.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com

Life is Fragile Enough; Don’t Break It!

LIFE IS FRAGILE ENOUGH; DON’T BREAK IT! I had a pretty wild idea about a month or so ago. (I guess the 100+ degrees days of the south Texas heat were cooking my brain.) I decided I would grow fall tomato plants from seed, plant them in five-gallon buckets (I had about four dozen of them donated), and give them to the senior citizens in our church. (In this part of the country, it’s possible to have fresh, home-grown tomato relish with your Christmas dinner.)

My first agricultural efforts were a disaster. I grew exactly ZERO tomato plants. As I was sharing as much with one of the senior ladies in the church, she pulled me aside and told me how to grow tomatoes from seed.

They’re so fragile; everything has to be just right.

She told me to cover newly planted seeds with a damp potato sack (AKA “gunny sack” or “toe sack).

Don’t water them by hand; you’ll drown them. Just keep the sack damp, and it will both water them and protect them. Do that, and you’ll have tomato plants.

 

I followed her sage advice. Tomato seedlings started popping up in four days. Four days!

Watching those tiny plants come to life reminded me of our first child. When my wife and I brought him home from the hospital, we wanted everything to be just right. We sterilized everything, made certain that the temperature of his formula was perfect, and we would get up in the night to check on him in his crib. (Do you remember gently placing your hand on your baby’s back at night, just to make sure he or she was breathing?)

Can you identify? Eventually that helpless little creature that depended so on you to survive grew up a bit, didn’t they? They began not to listen when you told them something, or they threw their clothes down just any old place, or they didn’t take out the trash, or they made a “C” in math or conduct on their report card. They weren’t fragile anymore, and they weren’t much fun at times, either. In fact, they were times when they were downright annoying.

What’s the cost of annoying behavior in relationship currency? Could it mean Dad will not see his daughter smile at him because he’s still upset with her for spilling a whole milkshake in his new car? Could it mean that Mom might step away when her son tries to hug her because she still resents the fact he was 20 minutes late last night when they were all supposed to go over to her supervisor’s house for dinner?

What’s the price of those annoying behaviors?

Although I’ve been a child and adolescent psychologist for a few decades, my wife has always been the better and more intuitive parent in our house. When our son, like so many teenagers, seemed to be on his own flight plan through life, it annoyed her no end that he made no effort at all to keep his room picked up. (We’re not talking spotless here; we’re talking the simple ability to navigate the room with reasonable safety and without the need for a tetanus shot.)

She and he have always been close, but this “Pick up your room!” thing was pressing hard on them both. When she realized the price they were paying for it was too dear, she made him this bargain:

Son, if you’d like for your room to be vacuumed and cleaned, you’ll need to pick it up enough so someone can get in there. If you don’t want to do that, then close the door where I don’t have to look at it. If you do that, I won’t say any more about it.

I won’t say that bargain always worked smoothly, but I am certain their relationship improved because of it.

Yes, just like with those tiny, tender little tomato seedlings, life is precious and fragile. We really have no guarantees we will see our loved ones again when we send them off for the day. None at all.

So think about it: Could closing the door a little open up the relationship a lot?

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com

An Answer for the King

MINI PODCAST: AN ANSWER FOR THE KING: Sam Adams lead with character and courage as the American colonies resisted being treated as second-class citizens by Britain. King George dispatched a man to handle this problem: Governor Gage. Here’s the link to a short (3:50) little podcast of how that worked out. (Left-click to listen; right-click to download.)

Mini-Podcast: An Answer for the King

Here are some ideas to facilitate discussion. Sample answers also included. (The script for the audio and the questions/activities are from Dr. Sutton’s book, Windows II: 24 illuminating stories for helping youngsters understand and deal with the impact of crisis, loss … and life [Friendly Oaks Publications,
2002].)

1. What’s the big deal anyway? Don’t we have freedom of speech in this country?

Answer: We do not, but not back then. Sam Adams had put everything into his answer, including his life.

2. But wasn’t Mr. Adams a little scared?

Answer: Perhaps. But if he was, he didn’t let fear change him or his answer.

3. What is freedom of speech anyway?

Answer: The Constitution guarantees you the right to have an opinion on just about anything. And it gives you the right to express your opinion without fear of consequence from the government. But freedom of speech is not absolute. You cannot say anything you like if it threatens the safety or lives of others. For instance, a person can say, “I think it’s unfair to have to pay income tax,” and even wear a signboard on a street corner as they say it. But they cannot yell “FIRE!” in a crowded movie theater when there isn’t one.

4. Activity: What is the Difference (Part I)? Put youngsters into small groups and let them come up with answers to this question: What is the difference between strong character and just plain stubbornness?

Answer: The depth and endurance of the principles and values involved; the benefits to others, not just self; the creation of a better person

5. Activity: What is the Difference (Part II)? Let the group work on this question: What is the difference between courage and character?

Answer: Although it often takes courage to exercise true character, it is possible to exercise courage without character (albeit a liberal look at courage). It might take some courage, for instance, for a person to steal a car or rob a bank, but such behavior does not reflect character.

6. Question: How can we exercise courage?

Answer: By determining how we will handle frustration and disappointment; by enduring short-term pain for long-term principle; by not going with the crowd when the crowd is wrong

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com

What is a Psychological Assessment? (Part Two)

WHAT IS a PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSESSMENT? (Part Two):

I’ve often wondered what makes up a comprehensive psychological assessment and how conclusions, diagnoses and recommendations are drawn from it.

In last post we addressed the first part of this question by describing how we would conduct such an assessment in order to gather as much information and as many impressions as possible. In this issue we’ll cover how this information is interpreted and applied.

PART TWO: Interpreting a Comprehensive Psychological Assessment

Interpretation:

1. Do the adults in this youngster’s life express any concerns they have in common? How do these concerns affect the child’s ability to function at home and school? Do there appear to be any sustainable solutions to the concerns?

2. Important: Are there any adults who appear to experience very little difficulty with this child? If so, what might account for such a difference?

3. Do the results of the assessment reflect any issues that could affect the youngster’s behavior? For example, does the child exercise appropriate reasoning and completely understand what adults are expecting of him? Are there potential difficulties with academics and learning? If so, what is the extent of these difficulties? More importantly, can these difficulties be corrected or addressed in some way?

4. Throughout the evaluation, were there any signs of defiant or noncompliant behavior, even subtle ones? What was the overall state of rapport with the youngster?

5. What value does the interview part of the evaluation bring to the whole “picture” of the youngster? Does he show remorse or concerns about issues such as failure in school or strife within the family? What would be his “message” to his parents or his teachers (see Part One)? What would be the significance of the message? Could it be addressed in treatment?

6. Is the youngster’s perception of adults reasonable and correct? If the perception is wrong (“Everybody HATES me”), how might it be changed?

7. Does the youngster see his behavior as a problem in any way? Does he have any thoughts as to how circumstances could be improved?

8. Are there any indications of other conditions, such as depression or anxiety? Is the youngster open to receiving help with these problems?

Diagnosis:

1. Is a diagnosis warranted at all? Are there alternatives to a formal diagnosis? Does the child meet criteria for a diagnosis in terms of chronicity of issues (to rule out temporary adjustment issues, such as the loss of a loved one or the stress of moving) and severity of presenting problems?

2. Is the youngster’s behavior severe enough to put him at risk for failure at school, loss of peer relationships or compounded strife at home? Unaddressed, is it possible these issues could affect functioning on into adulthood, such as securing and keeping employment or remaining in a marriage?

3. Is an additional diagnosis warranted (comorbidity)? What would it be, and why? Would this additional diagnosis add to or detract from overall understanding and treatment of this youngster?

Recommendations:

Recommendations flow logically from issues uncovered through the assessment. I have written reports containing close to 20 recommendations. Here are just a few of the more common ones.

1. Would tutoring or program changes at school address behaviors of resistance to academics?

2. In some cases, a good physical examination might be helpful.

3. Is medication indicated? If so, how can it be effectively monitored and adjusted? (This one obviously involves close coordination with a physician.)

4. Treatment in the form of counseling or therapy is often recommended, especially if the youngster is receptive to the idea. If the youngster is receptive, can he identify issues to be addressed? (Rationale: The child is more motivated to work on issues he can understand, experience and address himself. This makes a more successful starting point for therapy.)

Even when the youngster is not receptive to treatment, a trial of two or three sessions might just change his mind, especially if he sees benefits early on, and views the therapist as a resource.

5. One common issue with just about every youngster I have seen involves all they have lost. Everything has been taken away from them (toys, games, electronics, privileges, etc.) as a reaction to the child’s defiance. Although this is quite understandable, it can come with an “I just don’t care about anything anymore” price. This needs to be addressed for treatment to have a good start while, at the same time, honoring parental authority.

6. Another recommendation might to include some easy and quick compliance requests to get things rolling in a positive direction. It is important the adults make this gesture first so the youngster doesn’t believe they are trying to trick him in any way. In other words, they should meet the child more than halfway as a gesture of good faith. If the youngster doesn’t accept the good-faith gesture, that’s significant also.

7. A very important recommendation to the parents is the initiation of simple gestures toward a more positive relationship. Something as simple as a spontaneous hug or an unexpected, quick compliment can make a big difference in turning around a youngster’s perception a little at a time.

8. It’s important that we recognize any early indications of improvement and continue to encourage the youngster on an ongoing basis.

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com

What is a Psychological Assessment? Part One

WHAT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSESSMENT? (Part 1)

I’ve often wondered what makes up a comprehensive psychological assessment and how conclusions, diagnoses and recommendations are drawn from it.

There are a number of ways to conduct such an evaluation; none of them represent the right or wrong way to do it. When I was doing a lot of testing, I followed a format that worked well for me. It’s lengthy, so we’ll break it into two parts, one here and one in the next post.
PART ONE: Conducting a Comprehensive Psychological Assessment
A good and comprehensive psychological assessment can take a lot of guesswork out of treatment and interventions. It can also alert parents and teachers to issues that had been hidden. More than anything, however, a good evaluation provides a snapshot of a youngster as he sees himself and his circumstances. Because of the structure of the assessment (and the skill of the examiner) spontaneous, unique and valuable information often is obtained for the very first time.
What follows are what I see as essential components of a comprehensive psychological assessment.
Review of Available Records and Reports: This could include school records, medical reports, other assessments, and any additional information that could help us get a total picture of this youngster and his behavior.
Interviews with Parents and Teachers: This can be done in writing or in person. My concern here is not everything a child has said or done since birth, but rather what the parent(s) and teacher(s) select as their primary concerns. These can differ greatly from adult to adult. I am not a fan of checklists; the information from them is often unclear. I would prefer these adults take out a sheet of paper and tell me in their own words their concerns regarding this youngster. Consequently, they almost start with the most important impressions first, and work down from there. That is very helpful.
Perceptual-motor Assessment: I prefer to start with this one because, early on, it’s easier for a youngster to “do” something rather than “say” something. It’s a good rapport-builder. I’m usually not all that interested in the scores on instruments like the Bender Visual-motor Gestalt Test or the Goodenough-Harris Drawing Test. I am more interested in the subtle patterns of oppositional and defiant behavior that can surface on these instruments.
Assessment of Intellectual Functioning: IQ testing is critical. (If this information is already available, I don’t see a need in putting a child through it again.) Intellectual assessment not only establishes a youngster’s cognitive “horsepower,” but identifies strengths and needs, as well as learning styles. It also establishes a baseline for a youngster’s abilities to exercise insight, because strong insight connects well with the capacity to change. (This isn’t always an asset, as in the case of an extremely bright child who knows how to work adults.)
Assessment of Academic Functioning: Here’s where we attempt to settle the issue of academic potential versus actual performance. This could be called the diagnosis of will versus skill. This portion of the assessment can help determine if academic difficulties play into a youngster’s behavior.
Projective Assessment: This one drives bright, defiant youngsters crazy because they know they’re being evaluated, but they can’t discern “correct” answers, nor can they pick up on the direction or purpose of the instrument. (I still use the old tried and true Rorschach inkblots, plus sentence completion and thematic instruments.) Projective assessment is a great way to gain a ton of information about perception and behavior without the child even knowing it.
Diagnostic Interview: This one is the very heart of the assessment. A good interview not only collects valuable information in the child’s own words (extremely important), it lets the youngster consider issues he feels are important. This can make all the difference in terms of gaining the youngster’s cooperation and input regarding goals for treatment. Questions in the interview cut across all aspects of the child’s day-to-day life, and even include questions like: “If you could give your parents a message they would hear clearly from you, what would it be?” Through the years, I’ve received some very interesting answers to that question.
In Part Two: Interpreting a Comprehensive Psychological Assessment

James D. Sutton, EdD, CSP

Consulting Psychologist/Certified Speaking Professional
PO Box 672, Pleasanton, TX 78064
(800) 659-6628 Email: suttonjd@Docspeak.com
Website:
http://www.docspeak.com

Blog:
http://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com